Everything to be happy about

Chin Chong at Holland V

2012-02-05T19:38:00.001+08:00

I had to attend a Chinese New Year event organised by the Buona Vista Grassroots Constituency. It was an event full of pomp. As we were working with them to provide the low income residents with walking aids, I was asked to sit in the first row with the GOH.

It was not my best moment - highly uncomfortable with lots of anxieties surrounded by my neighbours and the community. I'm never comfortable with positions that are in the limelight, preferring to do good work in the shadows. In all my years of public service, I just want to make a difference in my own quiet way. Yet tonight, suddenly thrust into the spotlight, it was not something I would like to be.

It is supposed to be a festive occasion and yet, it felt like its August, except the only difference is an overdose of red and gold. Holland Village a bastion of ang mohs, yuppies, kids and district 10 folks was invaded by songs of East.
Half the folks were aunties and uncles, families and children. I met a colleague who loves to frequent such occasions. She simply enjoys the performance with no preconceived notions of quality and standards. Yet, I find myself wanting to flee, hide in my refuge and not wanting to be there. I wanted to run away from the crowd, heat and the "music." I used to think I detest this music genre but again, maybe I'm just someone who performs being an extrovert but an introvert within - just want to be with my own company and being alone, never feeling lonely.

Observation from the New Year ....

2012-02-05T09:58:00.001+08:00

Everyone complained that this year's lunar new year was terribly closed to Christmas and New Year. It was barely a month ago that we celebrated the birth of Christ and soon after that, it was new year. It seems that everyone was a little "low," muting whatever festivities. Personally, since I do not celebrate the new year , I took the holiday as just another day off. However, I did perform my obligatory duties as son, grandson, nephew, cousin and uncle.

Chinese New Year Eve - on any typical Sunday, my first activity for the day is to hit the gym when the floor is relatively empty. Before 1100 hours, I would already have left the gym and probably done some shopping before heading to the bus stop at Orchard Boulevard. As i made my way to my pick up behind Ngee Ann City, I walked behind 2 older ladies who were chatting about their families.

Auntie 1: "... the family would meet tomorrow morning, tonight, they have to be at their wives' place"
Auntie 2: " Your sister would be there?"
Auntie 1: "She says she is coming .. but with her husband's problems, I don't really know ..."
Auntie 2: "Sigh .. its not settled yet?"
Auntie 1: "Not yet .. it has dragged on for so long .. "
Auntie 2: "Your son has not settled it yet?"
Auntie 1: "I don't dare to ask him ... he turns black face whenever I asked him about it"

CNY is a festive time but when families meet, there are collisions and collusions that are often left unspoken - certain anxieties, percolating beneath the veneer of appearance, remain silent. The absent son or daughter left unmentioned, excuses made and conveniently looked over. While we would like to indulge about the absent child, the dictum of CNY commands that we shy away from topics that bring pain, worries and suffering. Yet, families never fail to uphold the heterosexual imperative that subject every single to the same repetitive question of marriage. Many ask with well intentions but leave many uncomfortable, having to justify one's lack of legalized marriage partner. It is a groan echoed by many. I do have to confess that as you get older, one gets less of it. Not sure if folks are giving up, come to some realization that we will never get married or understand that we have a different sensibility. On the other hand, if you have some nosey aunt or cousin subjecting you to the same question - just ask them that its none of their beeswax and stuff it (to make it mildly polite).

Letters from Iwo Jima

2012-01-18T06:31:00.001+08:00

Letters from Iwo Jima, not sure if u have watched it .. Wonderful and no wonder it garnered so much critical reviews.
Really brings in the message of the complexities of war and how we are but cogs in the system .. I guess it is easy for us to demonize the perpertrators and warmongers such as Hitler and the Emperor of Japan. However, this movie provides a glimpse of the people caught in a senseless war that we are all inevitably caught in. They may be the troops but they are also fathers, sons, nephews, bakers, lovers, etc. My grandmother whose children were killed during WW2 were nevertheless unkind to them and used to tell us stories of the atrocities of the war. I felt for her especially when 4 of her sons perished then. It was very enlightening to be able to glimpse what could have been on the minds of these soldiers then, defending a crucial island from the Americans. The letters and movie humanize and give me a more nuanced understanding of life and not to fall so easily into easy dichotomies.

Morning train (9)

2012-01-10T06:23:00.001+08:00

Another morning observation ... The woman was teetering on the edge of her seat and ever vigilant for her stop to alight from the bus. Her body crouched forward with bags dangling by her forearm and an umbrella on her right hand. The eZ link card held tightly in her left hand, always looking forward. As the bus meanders along the road, she begun to skip seats to bring her closer to the exit. She sprung up when her destination is in sight. The sound of the bell echoes across the bus.

Her behaviour is not atypical of many elderly I have seen on public transport. My aunt does the same thing when she is on the bus. Some of us may not realise but when we age, our senses gradually become less acute and there is a certain fear that they will fail us at critical moments. The consequences could be great and hence, they have to be ever vigilant. When we are younger, we do take granted for our five senses thinking that they will continue to serve us well. Unfortunately, once we reach 40s, we realise that we begin to lose it. Recently, a friend thought she had a tumour because she was getting constant headaches. She was about to see a neurologist when someone asked her to see an ophthalmologist . Lo and behold, her eyes are failing her and she just needs to correct her long sightedness. I am already wearing progressives and when I am reading or by the computer, I need my reading glasses. It sucks and all my friends around my age already carry this pair of lenses.

The Ageing Ducks

2012-01-02T18:10:00.003+08:00

The plot summary of the Ugly Ducking ...

"When the tale begins, a mother duck's eggs hatch. One of the little birds is perceived by the duck’s surroundings as a homely little creature and suffers much verbal and physical abuse from the other birds and animals on the farm. He wanders sadly from the barnyard and lives with wild ducks and geese until hunters slaughter the flocks. He then finds a home with an old woman but her cat and hen tease him mercilessly on how and again he sets off on his own. He sees a flock of migrating wild swans; he is delighted and excited but he cannot join them for he is too young and cannot fly. He wants to be them, desire and possess them.

Winter arrives. A farmer finds and carries the freezing little bird home, but the little birdie is frightened by the farmer’s noisy children and flees the house. He spends a miserable winter alone in the outdoors mostly hiding in a cave on the lake that partly freezes over. When spring arrives a flock of swans descends on the now thawing lake. The ugly duckling, now having fully grown and matured cannot endure a life of solitude and hardship any more and decides to throw himself at the flock of swans deciding that it is better to be killed by such beautiful birds than to live a life of ugliness and misery. He is shocked when the swans welcome and accept him, only to realize by looking at his reflection in the water that he has grown into one of them. The flock takes to the air and the ugly duckling spreads his beautiful large wings and takes flight with the rest of his new family."

Well, this is the typical Hans Christian Anderson's version where there is a happy ending and that eventually, the duck became a swam, found social acceptance.

Many of us, at one point in our lives, strive for social acceptance in our communities. For majority of us who have yet to accept our sexuality, we want to be part of the heterosexual family and some go through extreme measures of therapy and religious rites to make ourselves straight. While others lift weights to feel desired and to want to be in the "A" crowd. The need for affiliation is in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's simply the human condition. I guess the question is to what extend do we pursue this. A question that is posed to me is whether I would receive Botox or have some plastics done. During the Christmas party, we jokingly mentioned that when we reach 50, all of us will simply fly to Seoul to get some nip and tuck around the eyes. While it may sound like a joke, I know some of my friends are in serious contemplation. Creating beauty is their core business and keeping a youth exuberance and appearance may seem essential in their line of work. Meanwhile, for me who is in the long term business advocating that we age gracefully, is kind of ironical and hypocritical. As it is, slapping on different and expensive eye creams every day is like the secret that should not be spoken. Personally, I would never rule out going for plastics with the pressure to confirm to the youth oriented culture that we are besieged. If I ever do go for plastics, I will need serious therapy. The dictum of my religion is to free myself from the desires and cravings of life in this samsara and yet to cut, nip and tuck is tantamount to going against the practice I have been accumulating for the last 20 years.

As it is, in every other conversation, I am accused of being stuck in a prolonged chronic midlife crisis from the way I pound weights and run/swim and not to mention the tattoos. Well, when these conversations pop up, I tend to shrug my shoulders and smile, with some discomfort. I have been a gym rat for more than 20 years and to ask me to tail down and not lift would simply be unimaginable. Lifting and running keeps me sane and stress free. It's no longer an activity about social acceptance but how it defines me as a person. While we may commit to activities that elevates our social acceptance level, we should remember that eventually, we should not bow to social pressure to not conform but simply enjoy the activities that we are happy about ..

Nothing to be frightened of ...

2011-12-30T08:07:00.006+08:00

“I don’t believe in God, but I miss Him,” the book begins. Julian Barnes, an atheist turned agnostic, has decided at the age of 62 to address his fear of death — why should an agnostic fear death who has no faith in an afterlife? How can you be frightened of Nothing? On this simple question Barnes has hung an elegant memoir and meditation, a deep seismic tremor of a book that keeps rumbling and grumbling in the mind for weeks thereafter.

I bought and am reading this book, partly because I do think about death especially in my work when I am confronted by the reality of ageing and death on a daily basis. I dun suffer from thanatophobia. But for Barnes, he thinks about death daily and sometimes at night is “roared awake” and “pitched from sleep into darkness, panic and a vicious awareness that this is a rented world . . . awake, alone, utterly alone, beating pillow with fist and shouting ‘Oh no Oh No OH NO’ in an endless wail.” He dreams about being buried and “of being chased, surrounded, outnumbered, outgunned, of finding myself bulletless, held hostage, wrongly condemned to the firing squad, informed that there is even less time than I imagined. The usual stuff.” He imagines being trapped in an overturned ferry. Or locked by kidnappers in the trunk of a car that is then driven into a river. He imagines being taken underwater in the jaws of a crocodile.

Beyond the final goodbye, he dreads about the wasting away, diminution of energy, the drying-up of the wellspring, the fading of the light. “I look around at my many friendships, and can recognize that some of them are not so much friendships any more as memories of friendships.” He has seen his parents through their decline and deaths — “however much you escape your parents in life, they are likely to reclaim you in death." Worst of all, he could not retreat to his religious faith - “I had no faith to lose,” he writes. “I was never baptized, never sent to Sunday school. I have never been to a normal church service in my life. . . . I am constantly going into churches, but for architectural reasons; and, more widely, to get a sense of what Englishness once was.” Barnes is not comforted by the contemporary religion of therapy, the “secular modern heaven of self-fulfilment: the development of the personality, the relationships which help define us, the status-giving job, . . . the accumulation of sexual exploits, the visits to the gym, the consumption of culture. It all adds up to happiness, doesn’t it — doesn’t it? This is our chosen myth.” So Barnes turns toward the strict regime of science and here is little comfort indeed. We are all dying. Even the sun is dying. We all fear our own deaths but what are we anyway? Simply a mass of neurons. The brain is a lump of meat and the soul is merely “a story the brain tells itself.” Individuality is an illusion. Scientists find no physical evidence of “self” — it is something we’ve talked ourselves into. We do not produce thoughts, thoughts produce us. “The ‘I’ of which we are so fond properly exists only in grammar.”

It is so ironic that as I drafted this entry on Friday morning, I received a call from my mom that my cousin has suddenly died from heart failure. She just suddenly could not take it anymore and just dropped dead while doing laundry. I have to say that her pain was momentary and she died at home. My cousin was my dad's sister's daughter. Her mother died during WW2 when she was just a child. My uncle worked as a copy editor for the Eng Wah theatre and his 3 daughters were raised by grandmother. I never remembered my cousins being absent from my life. They were like my nannies when my aunt and mom were not around.

Someone commented to me that we die as soon as we are born. Yet, it is ironic that we surround ourselves with a denial of the inevitable end. When I started to pen this post, I din realise that the inevitable end will fall upon my family and how life deals a continually offers important lessons to us. The compulsion of economic life and pursuit of comfort occasionally blind us that losses are constants in our lives. Yet we indulge in the pain and sorrow, creating much suffering and distress.

I am going to miss my cousin. She was not the easiest person to be with but I know who I am now is a result of her love and nurture. Good bye SL. I hope our karma will reunite us again.

Christmas Ritual - hanging out with the sistahs

2011-12-24T17:57:00.006+08:00

It is Christmas eve and the annual Christmas rite with friends from long time past will happen soon. For this year, the event is going to happen at my place. We have been doing this for the last 15 to 20 years and initially, it started at William's. Being an abled cook, he would whip up the traditional Christmas meal with turkey, ham, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, etc. However, through the years, this was not sustainable because it does take a lot of work. So through the last decade, we tried having buffets in hotel, zhi char at bukit merah and queenstown, even vegetarian at one time and for this year, it is happening at my place (i bought tonnes of Thai food, not willing to sacrifice my friends to my culinary skills). We also make it a point where we exchanged gifts among ourselves and our partners.

When I inform my friends and acquaintances that I have this annual dinner with "old" friends, many were incredulous that one actually has friends who are gay from almost 25 years back. Many did ask how all of us turned out gay? How does one know?

To be honest, when you were in your teens in the 1980s, you do not know. However, there were signs then. Many of them were in the choir, drama and chinese orchestra. They dabbled in fashion, make-up and a couple even started having sex with guys. And yes, they were sistahs and the highly bitchy and toxic sort who will be able to tear down walls from their verbal onslaught. So best not to cross them. Much of the time was spent together thinking of outrageous activities, indulging in gossips and most importantly, creating a space where they felt safe, thrived and supported. While there is an active discrimination within the community against the sistahs, it bears reminding that it was the drag queens, sissies and sistahs who were fed up with police harassment that led to the StoneWall riots in 1969. As an archetype within the community and unlike the clones, chelsea boys and bears/cubs, there is a guarded distance within the community towards them. Everyone professes in their profiles that they do not want sissies and femmes, not realizing that they are contributing to the same heterosexist discourse that heterosexuals use on gays.

Anyway, fast forward 25 years .. many of my friends are now highly successful in their own careers. Many are known figures within their industries, some attached for more than 10 years and few have regrets on how life has turned out. I think the best part of having such a core group of friends is that they help you with the transition in life and accepting of ourselves outside the "sex' scenes.

Grounding Grindr (2)

2011-12-24T17:42:00.001+08:00

From the Wiki:

"Grindr is a geosocial networking application for the iPhone, iPod touch, iPad, Blackberry OS and Android devices. Available for download from the Apple App Store and the Android Market, Grindr comes in both free and subscription-based versions (Grindr Xtra). The app makes use of the device geolocation, which allows users to access other men who have sex with men within close proximity. This is accomplished through a user interface that displays a grid of representative pictures of men, arranged from nearest to farthest away. Tapping on a picture will display a brief profile for that user, as well as the option to chat, send pictures, and share one's location.

Grindr was launched on March 25, 2009 by Nearby Buddy Finder, LLC.[1] Initially, cautious but positive remarks circulated through the gay blogosphere.Though based in the United States, the app quickly gained worldwide popularity through word of mouth and various media outlets. On June 10, 2011 Grindr announced that it had officially hit 2 million users in 192 countries across the globe, with some 45,000 users online at any given second.[4] Joel Simkhai, founder of Grindr, has reported activity in countries as far as Iran, Iraq, Israel and Kazakhstan.[5] As of September 2010, the United States hosted the highest number of Grindr users with nearly 500,000, while London topped the list of cities with 62,000 users.[6] British users increased by 30,000 alone after the app was mentioned by Stephen Fry on the popular TV show Top Gear."

I have been using the i phone since it was launched in 2007. When Grindr was first launched, I remember my ex asking me to download the apps. When it came out in 2009, there were hardly anyone using it because everyone was still hooked on planet romeo, fuckrace, fridae and trevvy. With the launch of i phone in Singapore, the Grindr users exponentially grew and interestingly, for me, there emerge certain archetypical responses of Grindr users to my profile.

(1) They show respect to my ageing years:
"hi kor kor, what's up"
"hey daddy, is that your body?"
"uncle, how are you?"

Initially, I dismissed the insensitivities as puerile and petulant. Finally, I asked myself that I am indeed twice their age and probably in their parents' cohort. Why fight it when it's real! Just need to stop deluding myself ...

(2) Xenophobic and racist elements
On certain profiles, race and nationality are explicitly stated, "I'm an Indian, deal with it!" .. "Only Chinese can apply" ... "No Pinoys, please" .. "looking for whites only!" So are you local?

(3) Privacy Disclosed
In other circumstances, especially from those in other countries, there is a tendency to send their "cock shots." Amazingly, many of them send these pictures on first contact. While I appreciate their disclosures, I find their penises rather uninteresting and very crass. Except for the differences in skin colour, girth, length and shape, a penis is simply a penis. The disconnection of the penis from the torso makes it look like the pig intestine in a salted veggie soup dish.

(4) The Inquisition
Another typical response is the incessant single line questions:

2011-12-29 23:08:23 GMT+08:00
Hws ur gym tdy?
How's your day?
U stay in BV?
U busy?
Stay with special friend?
In gym now?
What is that circle on your body?

and responses to my questions simply mirrors his questions - single syllabic with no elaborations.

(5) Compliments
There have been occasions where I get texts from folks that compliment my body. It is encouraging and nice. Whenever I receive an encouraging text, I do make a point to reply to acknowledge and thank them. I think it is important to be grateful for someone to send the text and appreciative of their effort. There are times that I do send complimentary messages and there is a 50:50 chance that the recipient will not reply. I presume that they may not reply partly because they suspect that I may want some "favour" from them and they are simply not interested to reply to a headless torso. Personally, while I would appreciate an acknowledged response, the silence from the other side reflects how our society work - suspicious, utilitarian, and pragmatic. When I send off these compliments, I am fully aware that the recipient will not reply. Yet I send partly I do want to take the effort pay compliments. My sense is that as a society, we do not do this enough and hopefully, if I do this enough, I can take corrective measures to my day-to-day behaviours.

Descent of the Demi Gods

2011-12-11T13:00:00.001+08:00

Today, FF @ Paragon was invaded by the demigods of AF. I was surprised to walk in and find two of them lifting weights. And 2 joined in later.

All look like they were from a cast in a Bel Ami production. I gather they were from East Europe since i did not recognise their language. Tall, lean, young and white. Their musculature were defined and body fat definitely did not exceed 8%.

I guess it is interesting to observe those of us around them since some of us were just staring at them as if stars were in our midst. I have to confess that this as close as I can get to a look alike porn stars. The men and women were just gazing, fixated at their rosy red cheeks and smooth white complexion.

The routine of these boys were all about abs. It looks like half the time in the gym were about defining those abs and making sure they pop up when they parade along the streets. The number of crunches, leg lifts, weighted crunches and sit ups were tremendous . Personally, it was interesting to watch and learn; inspired me to want to do more.

As much as I can appreciate the constructed beauty of these boys, the voice of my ex echoes within me. When I showed him the picture of the boys in red sweat pants, his immediate response was to roll his eyes and slyly commented on the invasion of this white imagery - basically, where can't we see more hot Asian guys?

The imagery of AF can be quite oppressive when it excludes the colours of the world. It celebrates unidimensional image of the white man and marginalises those who dun fit into the typology. Yet many still flock to the shops wanting to possess the clothes; driven by consumerism.

Ageing bodies ....

2011-11-25T06:15:00.001+08:00

Now that I am in my forties, I have at least accumulated enough years in my life to do some reflection and recollection of years passed, actions performed and relationships gone.

There seem to be three chunks of time in my life - years spent before National Service, the decade in the US and the subsequent years. I do have to confess that during these periods of my life, the thought of ageing and it's effects were absent in my imagination. I never think on how ageing will affect my spirit and attitudes and body.

Superficial as it may be, the delight in working out were driven by both internal gratification and external affirmations. However, I din realise then and definitely now that the efforts to keep oneself in shape will get progressively more challenging from commitments to our responsibilities and the ageing body. Yet, the imperative to keep ourselves in shape get more dire as we age as we have to ward off the imbalances of our physiology caused by diet and stress; and for some of us, the unfortunate inheritance of our fore father's genes. It gets progressively hard to maintain the parade of bodies displayed here. I realise what I did in the past like running long distances and lifting weights cannot continue and hence, the need to commit to "gentler" activities - yoga and swimming - that are kinder to the body.

Some who realise thiswill get portraits of themselves (done by professional photographers) to freeze a moment in time that they once did look good.

The priorities of life change as we grow older. In our 20s, many of us just emerged from our cocooned lives of school and family. We just want to have liberties with our lives. In our 30s, as our responsibilities build, we find ourselves forging our career and network. Now that I am in my 40s, one can take a step back, comfortable with the resources one has accumulated from the previous decade. For some of us, our vanity keeps us going. Likewise, it takes some efforts to adapt our bodies to the ageing years. You can pound your body when you are younger and eat as much as you would like but few will be able to continue to have the bodies (age range from 25 to 32) displayed and it is important to bear in mind that everyone will change. Nothing remains as is.

Folks who are blessed with good bods and/or work hard for them bears reminding that eventually all things do fade. Some sooner and many later. Flaunting bodies as a tongue and cheek may be fun but if driven by hubris, think twice about it. Life has a way to even out the odds and when things sometime seem blissful, it will eventually fall.

Lost Kitten

2011-11-12T14:13:00.001+08:00

Rushing off to class, I was suddenly accosted by the cries of a kitten. Meanwhile, the rain was furiously coming down. Little kitty was all wet and presumably hungry.

My bus came and decided to skip it to take the next one. Tried to coax the kitty out of the bushes, but she was obviously scared. I ran back to my flat, took some cat food out and zip bloc it.

Rushed down and poor kitty still at the same spot. Tried to coax some more but still refusing to come out. So I decided to throw the food at it. It still refuses to eat .. After 10 mins of futile coaxing, I gave up ..

Now on the bus, it aches me thinking little kitty will not live for long ...

Morning Traffic (8)

2011-11-10T10:21:00.001+08:00

I take 106 to gym. It comes around 0555, 0605, 0617 and about 0625. Each bus has their own "regulars." Draped in their sweater, scarves and clothes, hugging tightly to their bags and embracing themselves to ward away the cold. Many slumped over the seats, asleep.

When I boarded the bus today, I was surprised to find this old lady standing. She usually sits down and vigilantly looking out for her stop. I looked around and many were nonchalant. I am not surprised that many would not want to give up the seat for her. It's morning and many want to just sit and sleep.

This poor lady hung onto dear life as the bus slowly moves along. I stand apart and looking at her ..

A nice break at home

2011-11-08T09:11:00.001+08:00

When i decided to take 2 weeks of leave, the question that was most commonly posed to me was - "where are you going for your break?" And when I replied that I was not planning to go anywhere, an incredulous look coupled with a sympathetic smile followed by the next series of questions - "why not and what would you do?"

It is the last day of my 2 week break. I woke up at 0530 to resume my gym at 0630 and after an hour and a half of gruesome workout, I am sitting at Coffee Bean, waiting for my yoga class. Prior to this break, I was planning to take a break somewhere else. Considerations were made about Bangkok, Danang, Luang Prabang and Phuket. But having to leave the cats alone and travelling alone did not really appeal to me especially to places I have not been. So I opted for a 2-week break at home. I made a list of the things I want to get done and diligently knocked each item off.

Time does fly especially when you are having a good time. I must say I have accomplished much - indulging in the activities that I like best - working out, swimming, running and resuming yoga. I have even started pilates.

During this break, I also started cooking again, making the promise that I should make a dish a week, just to make cooking relevant to my life. Again, the dishes I do make are not fit for palates used to Michelin stars or even hawker food. My failures probably arise from my inability to follow the guidelines on the right amount of ingredients, very often, using my own ill gut feel. Often wrong than right.

Also, much time was spent on making the flat more liveable and homely. For one, taking care of the plants at home - repotting some plants, cutting off dead leaves and shoots and giving the appropriate light. Another was to give the flat a fresh coat of paint, gotten rid of some old clothes, expired food, and packed my books. I dun see a reason why I should leave the flat now.

I guess my point is that taking a long break at home does not mean boredom. We dun have to run off to another country to enjoy life or de-stress. We need to find the simplicity in life, the passions that excite us and the little things that will bring us joy. We are so bogged down with the tedium of work and the grind of life that if we do not think about such matters, we will go through life missing everything important to us. It is a privilege to have this opportunity. Many do not have this opportunity because they are bogged down with other commitments. We should rejoice this opportunity when we have our senses, health, functions and spirit.

Do banish the thoughts that we need to travel out to enjoy ourselves. Yes, I am someone who like to explore new lands, peoples and cultures. But sometimes, we need to be one with ourselves to find the simpler joys in life. This is a journey that we can find only within.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Grounding Grindr

2011-11-07T21:51:00.003+08:00

Boy A: hi
Boy B: hi
Boy A: Sexy Bod
Boy B: Thanks ..
Boy A: Seeking?
Boy B: Open .. yourself?
Boy A; Same ..
Boy A: How r u?
Boy B: Good ..
Boy B: Wru
Boy A: In the west ..
Boy B: Face pic?
Boy A; - sent face pic -
Boy B: You got a clearer one? More pics?

And this is how a typical "conversation" goes in Grindr and repeatedly across many dyads .. the monotony and tedium recycled endlessly until a "hit" is connected, an exchange made and/or hp shared. Within the last year and a half, this app has eclipsed planet romeo, dude nude, and fridae as the site for sex, love, friendship, and networking. Folks simply tap the apps for a quick fix for friskiness, boredom, curiosity, voyeurism, etc.

Yet indulgence is guarded and cynical. The approach tends to be conservative and careful in case the fella rejects one's offer. No one wants to look like a fool, lusty or slutty (of course, there are exceptions) in virtual space. Even the exchange of face pics is an act of negotiation where you have to show yours before mine. One just does not want to "lose out." Then, there are the losers who fail to abide by the gentleman's contract.

Another point of contention is whether the fella has a face pic. When you choose not to "expose" yourself, one is perceived to have something to hide. Questions are raised if you are "comfortable" with your sexuality, pic truly represents who you are, or if you are just unattractive. Many present, like myself, headless pics to show their bods; while some have pictures of scenery, animals, and cartoons. The latter being "doubly" condemned. Many in this space feel that they are simply wasting time especially with these folks. The requirement of open transparency is so necessary that many have posted declarations that they will not entertain texts if received. Pragmatism engulfs our everyday life. There are many scenarios on why someone would just want to hide their identity. Foremost, they may just not comfortable with their sexuality or occupy a sensitive position. Others may want to hide from the world that they are cruising. Few want to hide from their partners. And there is the moral opprobrium that many of us cower in fear that we may be judged if we appear to lascivious, hungry and/or indulging in fetishes.

The message that underlies the apps essentially is, "Get to the point, let's not waste anyone's time!" Unbeknownst all of us using this apps is essentially wasting time. Driven by a combination of boredom, curiosity with a tinge of lustful thoughts, our fingers danced across the qwerty keyboard, tapping for a miracle to happen. The odds stacked against who are not bestowed with socially defined good looks and/or the body of Theasus. One quickly learns one's social standing in the hierarchy.

Back to Yoga

2011-11-01T15:52:00.004+08:00

Having laid off yoga for more than 2 months, I went to the class with some trepidation and uneasiness. I may have taken 8 years of intermittent practice and still never felt as if I am a maestro or recognize myself as a practitioner of the art. Always stuck at the beginner level, hesitating to want to the next level. Part of the reason is probably due to my inability to do headstand or to able to do any proper inversion. Psychological fear? Probably ...

So with some anxiety, I walked into the class and on a Tuesday morning, the participants were all middle aged ladies who just come to yoga class everyday. There was an older woman next to me and she was probably in her 70d. She shared with me that her husband has "forced" her to attend to get her moving but also out of the house. She is a lady of privilege. Not surprising since someone remarked that I attend the Prada school of yoga in Singapore.

The class quickly filled up with half coming late than the teacher - Kenny. He is as usual cute as a button coming from North East India, probably from the region bordering Bhutan and Burma. His class tends to be quite predictable and as one participant says, you dun have to think in his class, you just do it. The class flows with his instructions - breathing in and out with each movement and asana. My fears quickly quenched as the body remembers the movements and postures. I was quite elated that it came easily and smoothly. There was some effort but overall, it was not difficult. I guess the last couple of months of strength training, running and swimming has built stamina within to finish a class effortlessly. I perspired but not profusely ..

In the afternoon, I remarked to my friend, Seng, that I am quite pleased that I am indeed quite fit. It started with the wrong reasons - pursuing the ideal or an image - but it has since changed with more desired goals such as completing more chin ups, push ups, building my stamina, more laps in the pool and being able to shed some weight. Not many around my age is at my fitness level and I should be pleased that I am able to master and continue to develop.

Pat Pat on my back ..

An Accident

2011-10-30T21:51:00.005+08:00

A colleague / friend of mine recently met with an accident. He accidentally hit an 11-year old child while he was driving. It seems that while he was trying to make a turn, this child ran out and he could not brake in time. So the poor boy was hurled across and tragically, fell. Apparently, now he is in the ICU of a hospital. It is already 3 days.

My friend who is a devout Christian retreated to his faith to give him comfort and solace. He is a wonderful father, righteous, virtuous, God fearing and responsible colleague. While we may have our differences at work, we respect each other as individuals and doing what we think its best for the old and dying in Singapore. It is not surprising that he retreated to his faith for help and finding strength within. Typically, he is a wonderful person to have company but when I met him today, he was quiet and not himself.

How does one get through this incident? My friend retreated to his faith. He also confronted the parents of the little boy. As a parent himself, he told me that if he was in their position, he would want to speak with the perpetrator of the "crime." It was one of the most difficult times of his life and he cannot imagine how he got through it. Naturally, the boys parents are furious and worried. My friend continues to visit the boy everyday and praying.

Somehow when he told me about the incident, the word "karmic" kept emerging within. As a Buddhist, I guess I have different means to cope with such life defining event. I mumbled karmic to him and I eventually said, " this is one of the pivotal event and challenge in your own life that he has to pass." I have been told that things happen for a reason and typically, with this kind of incident, we only pray that it would only make us better people and more aware of life. I do believe that many of us are thrown into these events. Some of us become better people. Few of us are trapped by the memories of what had happened. A couple of us living in the shadow, never manage to get out of it. The event and decision defined us, our history and our personhood. I do not know how one would re-act given this scenario but the belief that something "better" across the horizon, hopefully, can guide us on how to live.

All Hang Out

2011-05-05T08:54:00.000+08:00

I am always a bit amazed at how some folks with no inhibition just let himself all hang out. With no sense of self consciousness, they carry their manhood proudly - to display, show and perform. Within the local context, it happens daily in gym locker rooms and changing rooms in the swimming pools.

At 0810, I walked back to the locker room to shower after an hour of grueling work out. I think I burst my shoulders today and it's aching now. Religiously, after every workout, I would down a tumbler of protein shake. But today, when I ran up, I was greeted with a full monty by this fiftish older guy. I had to break my communion with my shake. Standing proudly stark naked, fiddling with his cell. When I looked south, it was a bush of ebony and ivory covering his flaccid penis. The hair as long or even longer than the IT. It evolve from a glimpse to outright staring. Ashamed, I had to avert from his gaze.

Now I understand why folks shave, cut and trim the pubes. Definitely for hygiene and now, for aesthetics. If one intends to go full monty in the locker room, I would think they should at least try to get a Chris Robinson or David Gan.

Taipei - Wistaria Tea House

2011-01-02T18:19:00.004+08:00

Highly recommended by a friend, I decide to venture off to visit Wistaria Tea House to buy tea leaves for my sister. It is located in the south side of Taipei. A nondescript bungalow style with wooden panels stacked against each other with a short lane leading to the entrance.

The lane is a small garden with cobblestones with 3 stone tables - looks like a Chinese movie set. It is highly quaint and I can imagine how delightful for one who can sit here and ruminate about life and love.

Unlike many of my friends and brother, i was never brought up to enjoy or appreciate the finer culinary or aesthetics of life. As " coarse" as they can come, I dun know about to distinguish the qualities of wine, dishes and tea. I am as dumb as they come and sometimes, I do find it embarrasing when I am with friends or colleagues who seem to know so much more with the aesthetics and pleasures of life.

So when asked to order the tea in the menu, I had to rely on the maitre de's recommendation and she gave me a light papery green tea. i was grateful that she recommended something or I have to pretend to know what I am ordering.

Within 5 mins, I found myself facing a tray with a saucer, a container and 2 tea cups. There was a wooden stick, funnel and a curved dish to hold these utensils. A table of 3 older gentlemen sitting on the opposite table discussing politics, government and life in Mei Nan language and Mandarin. Soon the tea lady brought a glass kettle of water (later she told me that it is a special spring water). After placing the kettle over rhe fire, I was quick to confess my stupidity and ignorance; made her chuckle that I am an idiot when it comes to tea rituals.

For green tea, the water cannot be too hot. She showed me how to insert the tea leaves into the small tea pot with the funnel and stick. Warm to hot water is poured into the tea pot. Let it sit for a couple of seconds and pour all the water into the container. At any time, there should not be any water in the tea pot. If not, it affects the quailty of subsequent tea. The tea is then poured into one of the tea cup and then, the next. I was encouraged to sniff the tea and then, the first empty tea cup to asses the quality. I smiled and wondering if my nose can indeed pick up the subtleties. Yes, I am not a lost cause yet and can sense the fragrance and lightness of the green tea. It is quite wonderful ...

http://wistariahouse.com/

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Taipei - Volar @0700 hours

2011-01-01T09:01:00.003+08:00

In the centre of Volar is a rectangular block raised for performance. This block is the nexus where all move around. Guys in estactic high perambulate and dance around, each displaying individual states of delight and pleasure with highly choreographic moves. The guys in states of partial undressed, with their tees tucked behind the nape of the butt. All
mesmerised by the throbbing music and swaying bodies to the beat as if they are under hypnotic call of the Sirens. Within this enclosed space, the floor moves, wall shakes ...

Men moved in both directions from the inner circles to outer and back. They walk, skip, jump, hop and prance as if under a performative ritual. Each individual with their own (e)motion. I cannot but liken this to a religious rite. It may sound sacriligious but it reminds me of the piligrims moving round the Kaaba with the Sufi devotees twirling round. The offer of pleasure and lost in one's encounter with music, bodies and mind.

One may ask if this is indeed the religiosity of gay men in pursuit of the intoxicating delights of hedonism and pleasure. In my youth, having spent short stint and some time gracing Mars Bar, Limelight, Tunnel, Sound Factory and Dean Johnson's Fuck Club, I have prayed and devoted to these "gods" at some point but the brief encounter and dabble in hedonism was lacking and could not quench the unsettling questions of life and happiness.

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Taiwan Day 2 - Yingge

2010-12-30T11:22:00.000+08:00

On the way to Yingge which is a small town off Taoyuan. With a population of less than 90k, Yingge is liken to the ceramics of Taiwan. It ranges from cupboard handlers to Sung Dynasty vases. Yingge was introduced to ceramics in 1800s; and with it's abundant local clay and network of exports, it became a major manufacturing site. In 1999, it shifted from simply manufacturing to cultural with the establishment of the Ceramics Museum and the Yingge Old Street（老街).

The sky is overcast and it looks like it is going to rain any moment. Surrounded by vistas of green hills with a little chilly nip in the air. The ride is uneventful and hence, for most of the time, I was loss in thoughts - swimming aimlessly within, thinking of thoughts ...

The Ceramics Museum is a cement gray block surrounded by a park. A steel frame with panes of glass to juxtapose the concrete and intangible; etheral and substantial, softness with hardness. It's a simple aesthetic and clean design. There is an expansie interior space that allows for natural light. Its purposely designed o house the ceramic works of art, history and creativity. Within there is a history of ceramics in Taiwan; the fomulation of te various kinds of ceramic ware and imports different exhibits of ceramic art from the world.

There was a Spanish ceramic exhibition when I visited. It show how the Spainards use a combination of methods to express sculpture, painting and ceramics it forces a relationship between shape and expression and according to the pamphlet; "explores 3 phrases of creative process that ceramic artists experienced in their works - the expressive ways, constructive articulation and spatial formation."

Personally, forced to compare the expressions of ceramic art between the Chinese and Spanish, I found the latter more exhilarating, inventive and creative. However, the some of the former's designs are exquisite, delicate and functional.

About 8 minutes of walk and climbed over a mentallic bridge, I was brought to Yingge 老街!

This is a street of cobblestones, giving it a quaint feeling. The street is lined by shops selling ceramic art, ranging from the cheap to the expensive, functional to high art, and simple to the ornate. I enjoyed walking under a breeze of cool air and few tourists around. I have always been crazy with ceramic art and there seemed to be something that looked interesting. Some of the shops do sell ceramic art as designed by their own local artists and many are interesting and quirky. This place is definitely worth another visit.

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Taipei - Shi Lin Market

2010-12-30T00:22:00.007+08:00

Shi Lin night market encompasses two distinct sections sharing a symbiotic relationship: a section formerly housed in the old Shihlin Market building containing mostly food vendors and small eateries; and the surrounding businesses and shops selling other nonfood items. The food court holds 539 stalls, and the second floor serves as a parking lot for 400 cars. In addition to the food court, side streets and alleys are lined with storefronts and roadside stands. Movie theaters, video arcades, and karaoke stores are also prevalent in the area. Like most night markets in Taiwan, the local businesses and vendors begin opening around 4 PM. As students begin returning home from school, crowds reach their peak between 8 and 11 PM. Businesses continue operating well past midnight and close around 1 to 2 AM. Also, tourist traffic has increased in recent years due to the opening of the metro system.

Shilin Night Market has since become the largest and most well known night market in Taiwan, especially with regards to food, and is a favorite focal point for Taipei's night life among residents and visitors alike. Some of the famous food served in the market include:

Fried chicken steak (炸雞排)
|Small bun wrapped in large bun (大餅包小餅)
Fried buns (生煎包)
Peanut candy (花生糖)
Oyster omelet (蚵仔煎)
Tempura (甜不辣)
Lemon aiyu jelly (檸檬愛玉)
Pearl tea (青蛙下蛋)
Bubble tea (珍珠奶茶)
Stinky tofu (臭豆腐)
Deep fried chicken fillet (豪大大雞排)
Oyster vermicelli (蚵仔麵線)

The traffic within can be quite daunting, with lots of people standing around, walking back and forth, sitting by the stools and by the stores. There is no structured flow to how people move but in all directions, depending on where their palate takes them. While there are mainly tourists, locals also come to this place. The stench of fried food was quite oppressive and it looks every molecule of air has been laden with a layer of lard. The olfactory nerves were attacked from the pervasiveness of the smells and odors. Essentially lots of people eating, many walking around, and great number standing in lines.

we tried the oyster vermicelli, oyster omelet, friend chicken steak and peanut candy. The food was washed down by the lemon jelly drink. At the end of it, my tongue was lathered with re-re-reused oil, and the lingering presence of the food would require a tonque scraper, listerine and some colgate to wash it off. Being so hyper conscious of my health, I kept wondering if my LDL is going to be going sky rocketing .. these impressions immediately flew across my mind .. but alas, this is a vacation and i am here to have fun, taste the locals (in food and everything else) ...

Progress Report

2010-12-28T12:01:00.003+08:00

It has been an enriching year for me. Personally, I have never travelled so much chalking a visit almost every month whether it is for work or leisure. Some of the places that I have visited include Taipei, Hong Kong, Osaka, Kyoto, Tokyo, Brisbane, Bilboa, Barcelona, Abu Dhabi, Dubai, and Bali. It has been a fantastic year and don't think this would have been possible if I have been attached.

Singlehood frees us from marital responsibilities and we can make plans without the obligation to anyone except our colleagues and ourselves. With Daniel, all plans had to wait till the school holidays and with his dissertation, it further restrained us on where we can travel. But this is part of couplehood and what u lose in autonomy, u gain in support and love. So no right or wrong, good or bad .. it is just is ..

Traveling disrupts routine and being a creature of habits, I relish on fixed practices, routines and schedules. So waking up early to gym, breakfast after, work, mom's place in the evening and sleep by 2230 hours. I am such a "bad" person that even my work out is scheduled and plan with run/swim on certain days and weights on other days. In my fanaticism, i was doing this everyday. Compounded with yoga on Weds evenings and Saturday afternoons ... so it was quite a surprise that despite all the traveling, I was able to lose 2% body fat from 14% to 12% now .. but lost 1kg during the last 3 months.

Much has happened this year and while I have no complaints and much to be thankful, There are moments when I am not proud and there are times that I am very happy with myself. There were also lows bordering on depression and highs bordering on godly ecstasy; like right now ...

So I have spent the last couple of days thinking of how to do things differently .. while routinized schedules can give one a sense of regular control, it is very easy to fall into a rut. Next year has to be different .. starting with my resolutions ....

Sensing Loss and Grief ...

2010-12-27T21:04:00.003+08:00

Just last week, I went from a euphoric high to a depressing low just in a matter of over a weekend. Needless to say, at this stage of my life, to undergo such a drastic fall can be considered quite pathetic .. some signs and symptoms ...

1. There is a heaviness in the heart .. it feels like a piece of weight is dangling around the chest level and dragging you down.

2. Palpitations of the heart .. it beats quickly.

3. Breathing can become laborious ...

4. The mind loses concentration and fixates on the object of loss ... everything else floats away

5. Eyes become weary and teary if one is not too careful or becomes emotionally labile

6. Appetite is suppressed and you eat a little ..

Not a great way to spend Christmas weekend and the coming New Year's Day ...

Burj Al Arab

2010-12-12T22:58:00.001+08:00

The Burj Al Arab (Arabic: برج العرب,"Arab Tower", also known as "Arab Sail"[citation needed]) is a luxury hotel located in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. At 321 m (1,053 ft), it is the fourth tallest hotel in the world. The Burj Al Arab stands on an artificial island 280 m (920 ft) out from Jumeirah beach, and is connected to the mainland by a private curving bridge. It is an iconic structure whose shape mimics the sail of a ship.

The construction of Burj Al Arab began in 1994. It was built to resemble the sail of a dhow, a type of Arabian vessel. Two "wings" spread in a V to form a vast "mast", while the space between them is enclosed in a massive atrium. The architect Tom Wright said "The client wanted a building that would become an iconic or symbolic statement for Dubai; this is very similar to Sydney with its Opera House, or Paris with the Eiffel Tower. It needed to be a building that would become synonymous with the name of the country."

Burj Al Arab is the world's second tallest hotel (not including buildings with mixed use). The structure of the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang North Korea, is 9 m (30 ft) taller than the Burj Al Arab. The hotel holds only 28 double-story floors which accommodate 202 bedroom suites.

One of its restaurants, Al Muntaha (Arabic for "Highest" or "Ultimate"), is located 200 m (660 ft) above the Persian Gulf, offering a view of Dubai. It is supported by a full cantilever that extends 27 m (89 ft) from either side of the mast, and is accessed to a panoramic elevator.

The Burj Al Arab has attracted criticism as well as praise, described as "a contradiction of sorts, considering how well-designed and impressive the construction ultimately proves to be." The contradiction here seems to be related to the hotel decor. One cannot help but notice the baroque and palatial interiors giving a vulgar expression of excessive wealth, a theatre of opulence that jars the senses. The excessive use of red and gold splattered across reminds me of stepping into the Forbidden City but missing the dragons and phoenixes. Surprisingly, there are many Chinese nationals that inhabit this space either as guests, tourists or just simply annoying (taking photos in the middle of the driveway, obstructing traffic).

We had the privilege to have high tea at the restaurant on the 27th floor and able to see the hotel - Atlantis. It is a hotel in the sea and accessible only by speedboat. Unfortunately, the sky was overcast and visibility was bad. This restaurant was populated by tourists; mainly Europeans. All dressed up. We were told that we had to be dressed up to enter - had to have collars, no jeans (if so, must be elegant?), no trainers, shorts, tees and sandals. It felt like a 15 minute screening session before a booking was made. It is the most expensive high tea I had in my life, food was unremarkable and service was above average. I guess when we came here, we came for the experience. There will not a reason for me to come to this place again.

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Location:Dubai

Surprises @ Abu Dhabi

2010-12-08T09:02:00.000+08:00

Being in a Moslem country, one would think there are certain prohibitions ans festivities not celebrated; however, to my surprise, the following do happen:

1. Christmas
In the hotel, there was a huge party to celebrate lightening of the tree. The furniture was cleared to make way for the children and parents who have been gathered here. There is a free flow of wine, beverages, sweet stuff, etc ... It amazes how the food served is so generous. I must confess that at this Christmas gathering, they were mainly Cauasians with their children, a splatter of Muslims. Interestingly, there was a couple of Filipinos who are veiled, wearing the tradiional clothes.

2. Pork
I was thoroughly surprised that pork is sold in this part of the world. One night, we decide to have Chinese food and lo behold in the menu was pork chop! It seems that pork is sold in certain restaurants and you need a license to sell pork. However, when a Moslem enters the restaurant, a different menu would be used.

3. Grandiosity and Size
It appears that Arabs dun believe in anythknh small - everything is grand and has to be "big." Everything seems big and humongous. They have the tallest building - Burj Caliph - and the largest mall in the world. There is also the Ferrari amusement park next to the F1 track. We were also at the Dubai mall and housed within is an aquarium with sharks, garoupas, hammerheads, schools of fishes, etc. But it was beautiful though and makes the aquarium in Wisma Atria look like a fish tank. I guess they do believe size matters.

4. Prohibition
Today is a holy day and when we venture into the restaurants, there was a sign that alcohol will not be signed. This is not surprising but it appears that there are pockets within Abu Dhabi where alcohol is served for the expatriates. When a friend wanted to drink, he was told after 7. Instead they serve this lovely date drink that looks Iike wine but not the real thing.

Arrival @ Abu Dhabi

2010-12-07T10:16:00.001+08:00

I have never been to the middle east and so having this opportunity is indeed very fortunate. When one think of Abu Dhabi, images of Carrie, Samanatha, and the other with their manolos and jimmy choos riding their camels come to mind.

Upon arrival, one feels like coming to Malaysia. The airport is going through a face lift and lots of construction going on. I cannot help but notice that there seem to be many Indian nationals arriving and working here. We were the off ivory faces in the sea of ebonys. I felt like I was standing in line for my employment pass to be stamped. Me in my Donna Karan outfits pretending to look nonchalant. Funnily, as soon as we stepped out, we were accosted by 3 separate drivers asking us if we are Mr Koh, Tan or Dr Wong.

Within UAE, 80% of their population are expatriates with many South Indians and Filipinos. It is amazing the number of pinoys here. Many are in the service industry. Just in this hotel, they are the chamber maids, front line reception, waiters, etc providing front line service. I even see filipinas veiled and converted to islam. There are also many Americans around; a few too many ... Presumably, I guess they are here for the oil ... It gives me a slightly better understanding how all these wars come about ...

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Morning Traffic (7)

2010-12-01T21:24:00.000+08:00

The people around me know that I build my life centered on morning activities. So going to the gym before the sun arises is a known activity.

Every morning, depending on the type of activity (weights versus run), I would have left my flat between 0615 and 0630. For the last 6 or more years, I would see the same lady performing her daily exercise routine. I was living at the opposite block and had to walk pass this lane to get to the bus stop. There she was, then 6 years ago, with her quad stick, walking up and down this alley. I remember distinctly that like many old people, they don't use it properly. They lift the stick and without properly placing it on the ground, they walk. A mental note registered within.

Then, just right before I move to the block that I am living now, she was not around; din see her at all. However, recenty, I have begun to see her again. It looks like her condition has deteroriated and she is now on walking frame. Every morning, she diligently exercises and walks back and forth along the corridor. Dun think she can manage the space that she used to do! I simply admire her tenacity and persistence plus perserverance.

The gradual diminishing of our cognition and functions is part of life. I guess the rate at which we decelerate will depend on our desire to have vigour, remain active and stay motivated.

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On a bus ride ..

2010-11-28T13:58:00.001+08:00

It's amazing what one is privilged to encounter when one is on a public transport. You see facets of life that one never meets if you drive or in a cab. The diversity and differences are astounding -from folks across socio-economic class, race, nationalities, genders, mental health, age and (dis)abilities ...

I was on the way home after gym, brunch and some Christmas shopping. Two shopping bags clasped between my legs with a huge workout bag sitting on my lap, and a book between my eyes. At the bus stop opposite tanglin mall, a family of 4 embarked onto the bus. Typical family dressed in shorts, tees and flip flops. The son is probably in primary 2 an the girl barely kindergarten. Husband and wife, at most, in their early thirties. The family conversed in Cantonese and I immediately thought they are probably from Hong Kong equals tourists en route to Botanical Gardens. Howver, when they did not disembark at that stop, I listened closley to their accent, meanwhile pretending to be reading my book. Yup, they are Malaysians probably working here and living in hollland v. The accents spoken in Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong are different. Anyway, one can guess that the family is a working class family making their living here, from the conversations on rent, ownership of property, etc .. The children looked disheveled while the parents look tired. My first thought was about the many thousands of families struggling to bring their children and many more working hard taking care of the old also. Working with and helping these families used to be immediate and primary job but since moving to a more administrative position, the lives seem more distance less proximal.

We, childless and more affluent, in some ways seem fortunate but .. we seem to also have our own fair share of psychological torture. While they may not be bread and butter issues as much, they may be more problematic and existential. Meanwhile, 2 bags clasped between my legs, working hard on my middle class guilt.

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Rainy lazy afternoon

2010-11-25T17:45:00.001+08:00

It was about 1620 hours and just finished gym. Ran up to shower and change to head home. As I was heading out, i looked out and see the dark skies pouring. Refused to be deterred by the rain, I walked over to Muji and bought myself an umbrella.

Protected somewhat from the elements, I walked over to the NAC but it appears that the rain has not ceased but appears heavier. Sigh .. I am stuck here.

Refuge at TOAST for a cup of smoothie and tart. The mango shake and lemon tart provided a zinger to my buds. I was unfortunately seated to this guy and lady, dressed in dapper clothes and talking shop. I tried not to listen but their conversation was quite loud. The lady asks, "you know my boss asked how you can afford a BMW 6 series ... " he chuckled and kiddingly said, "I can't .." .. He continued somewhere, "I took the Gmat and was supposed to go Insead for my MBA but decided to forgone it. Never seem to have a good time .. You know, I teach once a month at SMU on how we can present and market ourselves better." (I do have to agree he is quite well dressed and looks good. He is cousin to Adrian Pang and even talked about his personality). So we have the guy dropping loads of "credentials" about himself and the poor lady had to defensively talk about how she worked herself up the career ladder.

Meanwhile, I struggle with reading and answering emails on my i pad and very tired from rolling my eyes.

Heading home for some cucumber eye patches.

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Contract with the Imagination

2010-11-20T17:35:00.003+08:00

Reading is a solitary pursuit. We buy books to dive into another world created by the imagination of the writer. The world, painstakingly driven by the vision of the writer and delivered through the careful selection of prose, words and phrases. The depiction is then actively engaged by our imagination to paint our own interpretation of the world. When I read, my mind imagines the scene, looks and personalities of the characters, and the intricacies of plot. When the book engages, time just flows and you are lost. Every loss grieved, happiness celebrated, and suspense felt. A good book should draw you - the more you read, the more you realize what you are after; a book that runs around in your brain 10 books later; a novel that reminds you there is life beyond yours.

The wonder of reading is that every work is a contract of the imagination; every person experiences a different book, yet we are struck by the same words. The glory of fiction is that we can experience the same book in an infinite number of ways. The uniqueness of life is repeated again and again.

One book - "One Day" by David Nicholls

"In 1988, the day after commencement, two college graduates briefly, romantically collide. The girl has pined for the boy for years; the boy is more aware of the girl than he lets on. She’s an earnest, outspoken lefty, he a handsome, apolitical toff who “liked the word ‘bourgeois’ and all that it implied” and “wanted to live life in such a way that if a photograph were taken at random, it would be a cool photograph.” Their chemistry is as inarguable as their differences, but because of the pride, carelessness and misplaced optimism of youth, they let time and distraction separate them. Yet they never lose track of each other. “One Day” checks in on their intersecting lives once a year, every July 15, from 1988 through 2007.

The trajectories of Emma’s and Dexter’s lives will resonate with many readers, even though the couple’s relationship begins at the University of Edinburgh and their adulthood takes root in London. With pleasing precision, Nicholls tags cultural touchstones that will be familiar to us. For the late 1980s, he resurrects a faultless diorama of the activist female student mentality, in the form of Emma’s cluttered bedroom. Entering it for the first time, Dex knows “with absolute confidence that somewhere in amongst the art postcards and photocopied posters for angry plays there would be a photograph of Nelson Mandela, like some dreamy ideal boyfriend.” He had seen “any number of bedrooms like this, dotted round the city like crime scenes, rooms where you were never more than six feet from a Nina Simone album.” After their night of kissing, fumbling and (on her part) hostile banter meant as coquetry, Emma, upright and uptight, announces that she can picture Dex at 40, in a tiny sports car: “You’ve got this little paunch tucked under the leather steering wheel like a little pillow and those backless gloves on, thinning hair and no chin. You’re a big man in a small car with a tan like a basted turkey.” His own vision for himself is more hopeful. He wants to “feature in magazine articles,” and grandly imagines a future “retrospective of his work, without having any clear notion of what that work might be.”

Very soon, their attitudes have stretched to fit the contours of the compromised, flashy decade to come. Emma, clinging to her idealism, plays bass in an “all-girl band . . . variously called Throat, Slaughterhouse Six and Bad Biscuit,” then joins a strident arts collective called Sledgehammer Theatre Cooperative (intent on doing “really good, exciting original political devised work”) before taking a job at a Mexican restaurant called Loco Caliente. It’s grubby work, but not as degrading, from Emma’s point of view, as applying for and being rejected from publishing jobs. On the side, she writes poetry in an “expensive new black leather notebook with a stubby fountain pen.” One sample of her work doesn’t augur well for her literary future: “It was the nachos that did it. / The steaming variegated mess like the mess of her life / Summing up all that was wrong / With / Her / Life.” Later Emma wonders if “what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery.” When her boss offers her the job of restaurant manager because “I want someone who isn’t going anywhere. Someone reliable who isn’t going to run off to India without giving proper notice or drop it all for some exciting job,” she begins to cry.

Meanwhile, Dex, who did run off to India after Edinburgh, builds a career in London as the host of a succession of tawdry late-night television shows like “Largin’ It,” a loud lad-fest with rock bands and movie star guests, and cage dancers as backup. Flush with cash and coke, gleaming with zircon semi-fame, he shows up at Emma’s restaurant with a glossy new girlfriend, bragging of star-studded nights out and shaming Emma by pushing her to accept a tip. “Wrap party,” the hurt, contemptuous Emma says to herself. “He has become someone who goes to wrap parties.” But that sour reflection won’t sweeten her regard for her dull, devoted boyfriend, a lackluster comic (and Loco Caliente waiter) named Ian, whose mouth “hung open in repose” and whose face “made her think of tractors.” Ian’s relentless store of canned jokes fills Emma with chagrin. When they’re first dating, as he riffs on the menu offerings, she wonders “where the fallacy had come from, that there was something irresistible about funny men.” She can’t help making a comparison: Ian “was a man with a great sense of humor while at the same time being in no way funny. Unlike Dexter.” “Where,” she wonders, “was Dexter right now?”

Back in Bombay, Dex had drafted a long letter, “six blue sheets densely written on both sides,” guardedly revealing his affection for Emma and urging her to spend a few months with him in India. He would wire her money for the ticket; they would meet at the Taj Mahal. But the letter was never mailed. Instead, he left it on a barroom sofa in Bombay and headed off to a hostel with a “trainee pharmacist from Rotterdam with fading henna on her hands, a jar of temazepam in her pocket and a poorly executed tattoo of Woody Woodpecker at the base of her spine.”

A few years later, in the Greek islands, where they’ve gone for a just-friends holiday, Dex and Emma abide by a pre-vacation agreement: separate bedrooms and no flirting. Should they give it a try anyway? Could Cupid possibly unite a rudderless roué (whose own mother mourns, “Sometimes I worry that you’re not very nice anymore”) and a woman so self- conscious she thinks there’s a wrong way to skinny dip? Again and again, these two nearly come together. But it’s not until 1999, 11 years after their first collision, that Emma finally tells Dex, “When I didn’t see you, I thought about you every day, I mean every day, in some way or another.” “Same here,” he replies. The tardy confession accompanies the announcement of his engagement to another woman."

Dex and Emma eventually get together but a love short lived. Emma told herself, " Love and be loved if you ever get the chance.” A lesson for us all ...

You may want to take care where you lay this book down. You may not be the only one who wants in on the answers.

Human Condition

2010-11-14T19:43:00.001+08:00

Being human predisposes us to suffer. The mind tricks and tortures us with desires, lust, greed and anger. We often confuse needs with wants but generally after some time, we realize our wants are simply our own constructions. We grow bored; and keeping the someone or having something is just another way of giving us some false security and comfort.

During the days in Bali, I listened and observed as my friends narrated their lives either through their own lens or others. When you put us together - new, old and those without loves - our stories are not that dissimilar, tend to converge and at times, can sound repetitive - where have I heard that before? and is it true that we will talk, complain, whine, bitch and holler about our woes and joys of having someone or not. We never seem contended? Or we just bitch for the sake of talking? Is this what social scientists meant when they say that social support help in satisfaction with life?

Sometimes idle talk and chatter may bring more frustration, pain and unwanted gossips. Our meetings with friends are great but sometime it leaves a bad after taste - u enjoy it when are at it but when it's done, something does not seem right. The mindless talk weighs down on the psyche somehow there is something utterly wrong with what has transpired.

Yah .. Young love ( with the pink elephants, cherubs, kttens and puppies) revolves around stories of negotiation, with the dissolution of TWO and evolution of ONE. It's about creating a platform of understanding between but still retain one's autonomy and personhood.

CK has been single for more than 5 years; living a life betwixt and between a period of abstinence and unwonted carefree sex. He grow accustomed to doing things for himself and does not help to be in a service industry. So very often, in his most obliging and loving way, he provides lots of assistance to friends. So he found himself having to unlearn many of his habits when his boyfriend started to do things for him. Initially, unaccustomed to such attention and naturally, resisted. He had to be reminded that as part of a dyad, it is imperative that negotiation, give and take approach and allowing himself to let someone in is part of the ongoing work.

As I reminded my colleague who just got married, her wedding is the first day of real work in her life.
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Morning traffic (5)

2010-11-07T17:31:00.000+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was boarding the bus around 0630, heading to the gym. The bus stop is filled with school children waiting for their rides. You stick your neck out with every roar of the approaching bus, hoping that it is the bus. So everyone who is waiting is in hyper vigilant mode, busy chatting away while stealing glances through the corners of one eyes.

106 finally appeared and I quickly jumped up; to be greeted by the sight above. Disgust, sickening and images of underclass, poverty and the uneducated begin manifesting in my thoughts. The old man who selfishly with much inconsideration and not to mention rudeness with uncouth manners was seemingly nonchalant and was not interested with the many disapproving looks. Unfortunately, this is not the first I have seen of such behaviours. After this episode, I have seen another guy of African descent also happily placing his feet on the opposite side of the seats. This is not a class, race or gender; more of ethical and moral living of ourselves and those around us. It is also applicable to those who speak loudly on the bus or those who stand in the middle yakking away with friends while many are squeezed in the front section of the bus. Or some who think the fee for one entitles them to two seats. Public services are meant to serve all and there is an unspoken tacit agreement among all to abide by certain conditions of the collective. Those who think they are of the exception should reconsider ..

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Just talking or writing

2010-11-06T22:46:00.006+08:00

I have not been writing as much as I should .. it has been 1 month since my last entry. While there is not an absent of material, the last couple of entries have been quite personal and intimate that I had some friends asking if everything is alright. One thought I had suicidal ideations and another thought i had depressive tendencies. Some thought I was joking but asked if I was alright.

While the concerns from friends were heartfelt and warmth, I am not sure if posting my thoughts about my own dis-stress seem wise. I dun want to unnecessarily alarm friends and simply posting or talking about one's thoughts can elicit responses that are sometimes unwanted. Sometimes, all of us just want to vent.

So for example, just a couple of days ago, I was again subjected to a management coaching session where the coach seems concerned about my lack of "life" outside of work. I casually mentioned my routine (absent the lurid details) and then, somehow a leadership coaching session suddenly become one where I should find a "foundation" in life. I was told that work is not the basis of life and one has to go beyond to find greater depth in meaning. Not surprisingly, she lapsed into her life about her own divorce, single motherhood, and her realization of how she has shifted from work to religion. Her embrace of God has shifted her perspectives and she now spends her Fridays talking to God. She did not even engage me at any point if I have any faith or beliefs. Being proselytized is not an atypical incident but under the context of a course under civil service college is indeed a surprise.

As a nation of doers, there is a compulsion to do, correct, change and/or attain our KPIs. So when I just talk or write about my issues, everyone comes arunning. It's comforting but no god please.

Wabi Sabi - Imperfections in Beauty

2010-10-09T21:10:00.009+08:00

In Wiki, "Wabi-sabi (侘寂?) represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete".[1] It is a concept derived from the Buddhist assertion of the Three marks of existence (三法印 sanbōin?), specifically impermanence (無常 mujō?)." As much as Wiki attempts the translation, there are always a yawning gap if you are not a native speaker of the construct.

In terms of an approach to life, wabi sabi is a way of living that appreciates nature’s impermanence and imperfections. Being minimalist and simple in its approach, wabi sabi is the antithesis to all that is soulless, shiny and mass-produced.It calls forth a rustic elegance and voluntary simplicity in which material goods are pared down to only the most essential and those remaining are handmade and considered more beautiful because of their subtle imperfections. Because the amount of possessions is less, and perhaps imbued with a story of some kind, each one become all the more precious. It is about getting back to basics, an appreciation for the little things and how this can become the ultimate satisfaction and life can be imbued with poetry once again.

I came across this concept as I was flipping a health + lifestyle magazine, and was immediately drawn to the meanings and connotations of the construct. It sounds so oxymoron - imperfections in beauty - especially when beauty represents the totality of all that is appealing to one's imagination. However, our elaborate chase of perfections has always leave one devastated, left to the wayside, broken and torn apart. We driven by ideals and types (subjectively representing all that is beautiful for us); framed by this image - we seek, chase and plunder - sometimes with success and very often with failures. Can we accept notions that someone that we find reasonably attractive but definitely not our type to be acceptable? I have a 30ish friend who is only attracted to the young 20 something, drawn by their youth and tanned bodies; and to date, he has yet to find one to have a meaningful relationship. Is it possible to find someone who is reasonably good looking but does not have a muscular body or a muscular body with a not too attractive face. I can continue with permutations but I think my reader would get the gist. Many of us struggle with such decisions and many succumb to the "frame" that we have imposed upon on ourselves. We don't question our desires, rationalizing that these are indeed natural when very often, our desires are constructed from the discourses and images around us. So we should try shedding expectations and focus on the sensations of the other person, accepting their faults as much as yours. But my attraction to the construct is not about the choice of our love or sex partners but the approach of life that appeals to me.

Wabi Sabi prescribes simple strategies for embracing imperfections and simple life. To take life as imperfect, unfinished, and transient and abandoning all that is perfect is very tempting. Life is imperfect and we should simply recognize it. However, having said this, a wabi sabi appraoch to life is not about giving way to carelessness and free abandonment, But to learn to balance between exacting to what we want and the things that present to us .. let's face it, we are all damaged creatures and flawed beauties ... embrace within before loving what's around us ...

Homeopathic Consult

2010-10-09T08:28:00.006+08:00

Homeopathy is a system of medical practice that treats diseases especially in the administration of minute doses of a remedy that would in large amounts produce symptoms in healthy persons. This is as defined by Webster. I have always been alternative practices of medicine - ayverudic, chinese, homeopathy and tips on how to treat our bodies and spirit in a society dominated by scientism and empiricism. Hence, doing yoga, trying to meditate, reading books and magazines related to this subject. So when a colleague told me that she sees a dentist (gum specialist) who practices homeopathy, I took the opportunity to seek a consult and get my teeth cleaned and checked.

Her practice is part of a group of 14 other dentists each specializing in different aspects of the oral cavity. She is one of 2 gum specialist there. It is located in a penthouse at the heart of Orchard Road. The view is breathtaking and the waiting area is a quiet area for reading and waiting; away from the sounds of a dental chair that often leaves us frazzled and nervous as we wait. On the corner is another small area where you can actually surf or do your computer stuff. Not surprisingly, in this posh office, the clientele are mainly expatriates, some well to do locals and japanese. Many of the products that they use within the practice are brought over from Japan, not found here locally.

As this is my first assessment, it took about 2 hours - i was x-rayed, a mould of teeth was made, tested for toxic mental in my saliva, taught how to brush my teeth, was whitened my teeth, taught on what i need to do to improve my health ... amazingly, in my saliva, there were traces of cadmium and mercury. The source of this could have come from the filling that was done years ago. Much of her advice was not unexpected. I need to hydrate myself more and take more Vitamins B and C. There was an excessive bacteria growing in my mouth and my digestive system was not working as efficient and absorbing inadequate nutrients. I keep wondering if this is the reason why I have not been putting on weight and if my intestines are not absorbing the nutrients properly. She noticed that i lean often towards the right and a tendency to clench my teeth which have deleterious effect on my teeth.

It was quite an enlightening visit and at the end of it, I walk out with a bag of supplements; a new set of skills on how to brush my teeth and ways to cleanse my colon and intestines.

A Reading and Turning Point

2010-10-03T08:16:00.007+08:00

It has been a month since I have entered any entry into this blog. I wasn't sure what I was going to be writing since I feel that I have exhausted all materials, the topics that I was writing were getting insanely personal, and/or I was too lazy. After the big B day, I felt like I have reached a milestone in my life and yes, life is indeed catching up with me which prompted me to go see a tarot card reader sometime in mid September. I feel personally at a loss in direction in life after my breakup with Daniel (yes, more than 1 year ago, I still find myself kind of loss), not work but existential loss. I was so sure about my own development during the times we were together but for the past 1 year, I am kind of floating ..

Enter Monica ..

Tucked away in a small room in one of the shop houses opposite Paradiz Centre. If you were not given directions, one will never been able to find this place. Sited above an Indian restaurant, I would never have guessed there are businesses operating above. When one walks into the room, one finds the usual paraphernalia of a typical tarot card reader. The talisman, pagan signs, the burning of essential oil, etc .. and when she turned around to greet me, she is an elderly Indian woman probably in her late 50s and yes, she is Catholic.

I came to her upon a recommendation of a friend. He was balled over by the accuracy of her reading about his life and recommended that I should at least go see her. As someone who enjoys playing on the fringes of the occult, I felt I had to. The last psychic reading I did was in Bhutan where the hotel arranged for a Bhutanese monk to read about our past and future lives. Anyway, Monica gave me her stack of cards. I shuffled and carded them into 3 piles with the question in mind. She re-stacked the cards and started to flip them over according to a sequence. Anyway, it has been 3 weeks since the reading and I can vaguely remember what she said. But I still remember the reaction of being taken aback, anger, hurt feelings and sad. Rationally, such emotional reactance from her reading is simply irrational. However, I have not reached the meditative state of samadhi and I think my feelings are well justified.

There were many things that she said were crap especially those about past lives. But there was some accuracies in others especially as it relates to my work, talent, personhood and essentially who I am. While my focus was not about my romance or love life, I gather that to justify the 45 minutes, she had to cover the essential domains such as work, present situation, romance, family and who I am. Anyway, I walked into the room with simply 1 question - where am I existentially? A question that many philosophers have debated and I hope to get an answer from Monica - kind of stupid but why not.

Her response, while hurting was not inaccurate, "Your heart is closed!" This is essentially what she said to me .. She went on to talk about how I have been treating everyone as a friend, how my potential to love is blocked and need to be re-opened and of course, the missed opportunities and wastage of the talent and ability to bring "joy" in others. She went on to elaborate how I am teetering on the brink of depression and if I am not careful suicide. This was most alarming and I was suddenly asking myself if I was indeed suicidal - presence of apathy and hopelessness. Her strongest criticism was my detachment and cynicism towards life.

Visibly shaken and terribly disturbed, I was a bit of a glazed when I stepped out back to the bustling streets of Selegie. There is a kernel of truth in Monica's words that I do "protect" myself with a bubble of cynicism and detachment from the troubles of life and society. I was interpreting as detachment in the Buddhist sense but actually, it was more detachment as in closure of the heart. Definitely, fucked up .. After Daniel, I think I retreated, cocooned, gave up and hermetically sealed within. Suitors were dismissed for the most facile reasons - age, body, personality, package, language, etc - after the first couple of dates or fucks. Folks that I thought were interesting were not pursued or sustained. Passion for my work waned and simply poured my devotion to punishing the body and voraciously reading to flood my mind.

So what happens now since you have so openly and bravely confronted your own psychic defenses, how does one "open the heart"?

The journey begins now to find everything to be happy about ... and it's not only love and/or sex ... :)

Another Milestone ....

2010-08-31T07:57:00.004+08:00

Almost a month ago, my colleagues and myself celebrated the 84th birthday of MLA. MLA is an amazing woman - strong, feisty and headstrong. She singlehandedly sailed from San Francisco to Singapore (while making numerous stops like Vietnam, Hong Kong, Penang) about a year or more ago. In her small little yacht in which she calls home, she has visited many countries via this little vehicle. Except for her minor gait issue and a little hard of hearing, she is, meanwhile, wonderfully healthy and strong. I bring MLA up partly because my big boss commented that once you are at MLA's age, every birthday is a celebration - to be able to still enjoy life, see the world, healthy physically and cognitively alert. She said if you are before 60, maybe, one can forsake any celebrations. It's only after a certain age that birthdays take on monumental importance.

As I am about to reach the midpoint (or slightly more) of my life, I am appreciative of the birthdays that my friends and colleagues have put so much effort in organizing. Their thoughtfulness and efforts remind us of the wonderment of friends and those around us. Despite my insistence that birthdays are simply days in a calendar, they planned and make the necessary arrangements for a gathering. For the past decades, I have passed 1st September with no fanfare except that I will take leave during this period and just spend a quiet day at home, reflecting on milestones and how to move "better" forward in life. It is like a new year resolution but this time marked by day of birth. Some reflections pushed me in new better directions (like taking yoga on my 36th), others were simple cosmetic (like getting a tattoo last year) and few were simply non starters (like meditation since in my early 30s). Birthdays are for me personal rejuvenations and markers to indeed see how one undertakes the remaining journey in life. They are not simply celebrations that I have passed another year but personally, celebrations on how one can indeed have a self-recursive loop to remind myself how to be a "better" person. Another year passed can also be a painful reminder of what one has not achieved and attained but to be "paralyzed" by such analysis could be quite defeating. One just have to pick up and start again.

My bugbear through all these years has been my inability to take on meditation seriously and sustain it. I do it intermittently and for a certain period I was practicing it consistently. However, the results of meditation are subtle and it is not like working out where you can see a physical change. Having said that, when I was meditating, I was more aware of myself and my surroundings, my temper cooled and there was a certain tranquility within. I peaked when I was in Bhutan last year but after my breakup, the whole facade demolished. So now, I will have to exert an incredible amount of self-discipline to regain what's lost and get back the "self."

Meditation was one and the other is yoga. Unlike meditation which was completely off my radar, I have been practicing yoga on and off for these last couple of months. In retrospect, my focus and approach on meditation and yoga were all wrong - bound by this competitive spirit - to want to be better compared to my "old" self, it forces me as if I am working towards another goal. For yoga, to move from beginner to intermediate and for meditation, to have more "vivid visions." Hence, once the goals have not been attained by a certain timeframe, interests wane and sustaining it is an issue. It is just like working out where the body should not be the focus but the health. For such practices to sustain until we are bedridden and deathly sick, this should be the approach - imbue the practice within and seep into our daily lives by putting aside time to do this.

So in addition to my usual regiment of workout and cardio, I guess I need to listen to myself and "imbue" myself with yoga and meditation (pretentious as it sounds). Also, hopefully, by next year, I would have taken another hiking trip to Bhutan or Tibet; acquire a new sporting skill and learn to be "happier" being myself.

Happy Birthday ...

We all want to be HAPPY ...

2010-08-30T09:10:00.004+08:00

In last Saturday's Financial Times, the cover story in the Life and Arts section was "We all want to be HAPPY ..." It was an article written by Nick Powdthavee, who is an behavioral economist, author of the "The Happiness Equation." He describes how we can measure emotional reactions to different life experiences and present them in ways we can relate to. How, for instance, monetary vales can be put on things that can't be bought or sold in the market - such as marriage, friendship, even death - so that we can objectively put them in order of preference. It also explains why some things matter more to our happiness than others (like why seeing friends is worth more than a Ferrari), while others are worth almost nothing (like sunny weather).

So some highlights:

1. Money buys you little happiness

Research has found indeed that money does not buy much happiness. It appears that we care more what other people earn than what we do ourselves. So for many of us, whose basic needs are met, money buys additional happiness only if it can lead to higher status in society. This is tough especially when other people are also getting richer over time. They have also found that richer people tend to spend more time in activities associated with greater tension and stress (such as work) to acquire more monies (to keep up with the Joneses). In contrast, folks with lower incomes tend to spend more time engaging in activities with their friends and other activities such as TV watching and resting.

However, when we ask people about the impact of income, we tend to think of the conventional possibilities of income (such as buying a car, house, etc) so this tends to lead to the conclusion that the rich is always happier than the poor. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite.

2. Winning the lottery won't make you happy

Nick argues that a lottery win of $1000 or more would not immediately you happy. Instead, it takes about 2 years before the effects of the win is felt for the winners. Compared to increased salary which often leads to a person's happiness. He surmises that this has to do with the whole notion of intrinsic satisfaction of having worked hard and increased salary is due recognition of the hard work. On the other hand, there is some indication to state that those who won the lottery suffers from "lagged deservingness."

3. Fat friends makes you happier than thin ones

It has been shown that we care more about other people's weight as much as our own. Research has shown that if you are slim and fit, there is a greater likelihood that you will find a mate, a job or better chance of getting things done your way. So when we compare ourselves to folks who are fatter than us, the costs of putting on weight reduces. Simply put, with other people putting on weight, we dun have to compete so much on staying slim.

4. Happiness is contagious

It appears that there are many benefits by being happy. Happier people have healthier live, live longer and earn more. They also give more and better at relationships. So how is happiness contagious?
According to the authors of the book "Connected," when we surrounded by happy people (friends, family, colleagues), we tend to be happier in the future. Some speculative reasons why this is so - probably as a result of happy people sharing their good fortunes with friends; happy people tend to change their behaviors for the better by being nicer, or simply put positivity is contagious?

I lifted much of the text from FT .. if you are interested to read more, the link is:

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/2/9a4d4a64-b0b9-11df-8c04-00144feabdc0.html

Morning Traffic (4)

2010-08-18T05:50:00.001+08:00

It was the usual morning bus to the gym. At 0610, the bus was half full with the usual denizens on the way to school or work. All under the spell of Morpheus sitting in semi wakefulness with their heads bobbling up and down synchronized to the jerky motions of the bus.

I was about to reach my stop and from a quick glance, I saw a woman strangely with a pair of shades, standing on the curbside by the bus stop of Lucky Plaza. Dawn has not broken and the sky still covered under a blanket of darkness. Upon closer examination, she was grabbing a white cane and was using it to determine the step between the pavement and road. Her hesitant and tentative movements probably betrayed her fear of crossing the road without anyone to guide her. I disembarked and instead of rushing to help her, continued to march towards the gym. My thoughts are with her and hoping that someone would be helping her.

I mentioned this incident to a friend and his reply was; "why didn't you help her?" ... There goes my day :(

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Our Relationships with Mothers

2010-08-15T09:10:00.003+08:00

One of the myths of homosexuality makes the claim that these folks have been plagued by strong and overloving mothers and suffered from weak-absent fathers in their formative years. So homosexuals overidentify with their mothers and hence, their object of affection becomes the father whom they pine and want to possess. When societies want to make sense of differences like race, women and the poor, they will contruct theories that have no bearing to real lives.

Our relationships with our mothers are indeed complicated, often fraught with much love, tension, ambivalence and even sometimes anger. To simply characterise it dichtomously as good-bad, controlling-indulgence, etc will miss out the rich and conflicted history that we are all embedded. Likewise, our relationships with our fathers are neither simply about absence or presence; weak or strong, etc!

B cannot stand criticism from others. He reacts very badly and violently when someone comments on his body, shape, dressing or his looks. He is a good looking guy spotting a small goatee with strong Asian features. However, despite his good looks, he does fall in the realm of the slightly chubby that he is working hard to lose. He has sent his friends to Coventry when they commented on his weight. Literally, he did not speak to him for more than 2 years even though he acknowledged that the comment was made in jest and fun. He attributes his behAviours to his mother who used to smack and slap him if a comment is made about her dressing. To date, he continues to define his life very much with the mother with her presence casting an ominous shadow over him. Slapping and physical violence also reeked in DL's growing pains. He was also much abused by his mother that in some distorted sense, he thinks this is the cause of his lack of sexual attraction to women. Meanwhile, unlike B whose father is absent, DL adores his dad for his loving and quiet ways. Now deep in Christianity, he has found within himself to forgive his mother and has made some amends with her.

Absent mothers is also another theme where mothers abandon their family to look for new love. To characterised them as simply wilful is to miss the rich and difficult context where decisions are made. This was alluded in my earlier entries about BC's life. Then, there is also the theme of strong mothers , like L, whose overpowering presence defines one's life even in his 30s.

Majority of us have been blessed with some level of normalcy with our mothers. However, all "normalcy" has some underlying dysfunctionality and as we negotiate our relationships, especially within the dynamics of family, the emotional charge becomes more high strunk.

In our society where much of our assumptions are heterosexual, patrichical and middle class, our problematic behaviours manifested in child and adulthood are often attributed to the mother. If one is born homosexual, or if a child is a victim of incest or abuse or exhibit some level of criminality; the construction of blame somehow belies on motherhood. Homosexuality as a result of domineering mothers; and incest as a result of mother looking the other way or allowing to happen. These psychological theories perpetuated seep into everyday discourse and common sense that we ourselves, like DL, believe them to be true in our own search to understand our supposed "deviancy." Guys like DL who has a strong need to want to be "normal" can easily fall under the trap of such simplistic theorizing.

The search for a cause always plague those that are different. Do we really care if we are different? Do we want to know if genes or environment cause homosexuality and do we ask the same questions of our heterosexuals? The search for cause is to eventually find the "magic bullet" to cure potential homosexuals. So mothers were a convenient reason to blame. We are constantly living our lives under the shadows of our mothers even in death. They have profound complicated impact and very much define who and how we are now. However, as much as they define us, for some, we need to forgive and let go some of the battle scars of the past. Majority of us are now dealing with ageing parents, suffering from chronic conditions and as children, we struggle to provide for them the best care we can give. Whatever our relationships, for many, we need to contniue to love and care with much patience and for a few of us, forgive and cast away the bitterness of history past and for a minority, reach out to look for them - the sense of closure for oneself.

Thoughts in Solitude

2010-08-09T20:34:00.001+08:00

I have had Thomas Merton's "Thoughts in Solitude" for more than a decade. It has been sitting on my shelf after my friend, Kimberly Flynn, recommended the book to me knowing my interest in spirituality and the whole notion of solitude. In his book, Merton with eloquence and great insight addresses the pleasure of a solitary life, as well as the necessity for quiet reflection in an age when so little is private. He writes that; "When society is made up of men who know no interior solitude, it can no longer be held together by love .." he writes that for us to commune with God, the importance of solitude and peace is utmost important or we would never be able to resonate or receive the teachings of our higher beings.

As this book was written in the 1950s, the language and prose is not easy to read and understand. I struggled and kept telling myself that I need to read again to better understand and appreciate the writings. As usual, I brought the book to read on the bus. Amidst the humdrum sinus of the engine, I managed to cover a few pages until we reach the stop when 8 foreign students walked in. Their chatter was loud because they spoke against the engine and suddenly, the bus begin to fill with sounds or noise that are undecipherable to the local ears! I had to literally stop reading, turn back and close my eyes for my consciousness to float above the chatter and sounds. For about 15 mins, I focussed on each of the sounds emanating across - diverted to the sounds of the students, habituating to the engine and predicting the auto sound of the fare recorder. The relevance of Merton's book becoming more important. I was already plagued with some distress over the events across the weekends and compounded by the sounds, solitude and peace through the resting of the mind took on a greater urgency.

Eyes closed, meditating on the noise, book in hand! I hear shuffling of the feet, the bell rang and as I opened my eyes, the students were disembarking. Grabbed my book and continued my read ...

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Slight Discomfort

2010-08-09T20:00:00.001+08:00

It was a typical bus ride to my mother's flat. At the usual peak hour, the bus coming from Shenton Way via Holland Village tends to be crowded, especially picking up passengers for the adult learners to SIM. So when I found a seat, I quickly grabbed it despite having to force myself to squeeze past a relatively fat women by the aisle seat.

Happily seated, I can now read but more often, I will just doze off. Predictably it happened despite the book's content. However, for this journey, in and out of consciousness and wakefulness, the fat woman became a relatively fat guy. Upon closer inspection, he is afflicted with a skin condition that plagues his entire body. The skin looks like it has small round boils, of different sizes - possibly filled with some sac fluid. It completely encapsulates his body, making him unsightly and (dis)ease(d).

Needless to state, I was uncomfortable and upon a crowded bus, I had nowhere to turn. When I first run into him some time back, i remembered sneaking peaks at him. I have goose pimples just by looking at him and wondering what affliction he may have. Now I was at his side, I could barely see him or make out his behaviors, but one could tell that he was definitely not in the least worried about what others are thinking of him. Everyone who sat opposite him avoided looking our way, knowing that it is rude to stare. I grew more comfortable with his lack of discomfort. His nonchalance may have placed everyone at ease.

We wonder why we worried so much on how we look; and always in pursuit of the handsome, tanned, flawless skinned guy. When I was confronted with this man who seemingly seem so comfortable with his own skin despite his appearance, I asked myself why we have placed so much frustration and worries upon the superficiality and illusion of appearances - in constant pursuit of an ideal that is fragile that will eventually fade in time.

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Day 3: River went wild

2010-07-30T21:18:00.000+08:00

Rain .. It was unrelenting across the day. It was not a heavy downpour but an intermittent drizzle that alternated with occasional sun. This pattern lasted the 4 days when we were here. The ambitous plans to "nuar" effectively banished.

Today, we went to complete a white water rafting course. Having been to Bali on numerous occasions, I have never been white water rafting. No one really initiated the idea. It took us about 1.5 hours to get to the site. This is after we made a stopover at a nondescript road stall selling Babi Kuning - roasted piglet with rice - a must eat by Anthony Boudain. I politely declined after trailing behind a van of pigs as we ascended up the hill.

White water rafting essentially is to travel down a fast moving stream/river in a dinghy littered with boulders, rocks and low branches. The quality of the ride is determined by the guide cum navigator who will guide the dinghy down the rapids and rocks. I have done this way back in the past when I was a kid in Baguio. But to experience it after 30 years later was indeed exhilarating. One feels like a ball in a pinball machine where you are simply richochet from rock to rock plus like riding a mechanical horse, constant moving up and down. It makes it more fun when cold water splashed your face, bod and trunk. There were occasional periods where the ride is relatively smooth and this is an opportunity to take in and commune with nature. The foliage and greenery waa beautiful interspersed with occasional waterfalls. We stood under one to be bathed by the cold refreshing waters of the hills. Hans grohe can only wish they can replicate the tingling effects of a real waterfall.

The most memorable occasion during the ride was the time when 3 of us did a back flip and fell into the icy cold water. It started with me when I had to avoid a tree branch, I lied back too low and somehow when we hit a rock, I lost my balance and fell into the water. Being able to swim gave me assurance and confidence that nothing will happen to me ( the water level was not high also). However, even with the small helmet and life vest, my worry was being pushed down by the water and inadvertently hitting a rock. Further downstream, it was my other 2 friends who flipped and fell. With the rain, the water was considerably faster and at one point, the dinghy hit against head front and both fell. The younger one recovered immediately and was dragged in by his bf. While the older one was face down and was not moving. Since he was considerably bigger, his bf and myself exerted more effort to drag him out. Of course, he freaked the guide who jumped out to assist us. With his weight and body limp, it felt like a heavy gym session. We were worried for him since he is not in the best of shape. Anyway, after the incident, he claimed to have "died" for 2 secs. Not surprising since this is part of his melodrama character. Funny is that when we were told about the probability of being flipped into the water at the beginning of the ride, I did not take him too seriously. Lo and behold, it did. This is partly due to the number of passengers. It should take 4 but we loaded 5, making the dinghy heavier and more difficult for the guide to navigate.

The ride ended with us havingto climb 400 steps back to the stand where we shower and got out of our wet clothes.

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Day 2: Ubud

2010-07-27T15:48:00.001+08:00

Have not had such a complete sleep for some time. The laziness of the island has gradually infected me. I woke up at 7 am languidly and finally, waking up at 9 plus. The blissful sleep recharged my weary body, feeling rested and peaceful.

It was a torturous drive up to ubud. We spent about 3 hours travelling to the village, under-estimating the traffic flow and also the cremation ceremony / month (equivalent to our Qing Min) of the Balinese people.

The journey to Ubud was a heart pumping, adrenalin flowing and stress alleviatibg experience. Our driver, Susilo, honked, sped, cut and clipped through the school of motorcycles. It swerved and danced through lanes. He had complete control of his vehicle and being able to manuver carefully. My sense is that there is an ordered chaos at the roads but Su makes his own rules at the road - doing the U turn in the middle, left to avoid the stop sign, etc.

Kitamani is an active volcano. It is a picturesque scenery. It was very misty and the volcano disappeared and appeared with the gushing puffs of a dragon. I felt like I was close to heaven.
We were away from the maddening crowd, perched by the hill top opposite the volcano.

Driving along the night towards Uma Ubud brought back memories of D and myself when we were here (multiply) a couple of years ago - our exhaustion, fear, weariness. We wanted to see the shops and at the same time, under-estimating the distance. I wonder what possess us then to walk the distance.

The day ended with another frightening ride back to Seminyak.

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Day 1: Arrival at Bali

2010-07-24T23:38:00.001+08:00

Prior to the day of departure, I slept around 2330 hours and had to drag myself up from bed by 0530. Obviously, the slumber of sleep was not even settled and I had to get up.

The flight was uneventful and routine service offered by SQ. The nondescript Denpasar airport sitting in the middle of nowhere. It never fail to surprise me that immigration was jammed pack and we wasted about 2 hours just standing for the inefficient bureaucratic processing. The custom officials looking indifferent and impassive - flip, stamp, stamp and flip; next, flip, stamp, stamp and flip; next, flip, stamp, stamp and flip ... meanwhile, you see some in an "express" lane, bypassing everyone ...

I was told that this is the peak season at Bali. The flock to Bali is predominantly Australians fleeing their winter. Depending on where u are, the sensibilities of the guests differ. In Seminyak, where we were, the peoples were most agreeable - read middle class! When we were in Kuta, the crowd seems different - beer, burger, fries, big bleached hair.

Kuta, which is the most commercialised area, is infested with lots. We drove by Hard Rock Cafe, which was the site of Bali bombing. It has now emerged with stores like starbucks, camper, macdonald, etc .. the past erased.

It looks like in this trip, it may not be possible to have my usual routine of nuar, rest and relax. Many of my companions in this trip seem interested to sight see and to know the island. It looks like I may have to come again later part of the year.

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Start of the Day

2010-07-14T10:07:00.001+08:00

Just finished a 45 min run plus swim. The endophins kicked in and it felt great. Though I was sweating and the back of my shirt felt like my second skin, the high kept me going.

Crossed Anson Road and saw the stream of pedestrians flowing to the market for their morning's boost of fuel. My stomach growled and stirred me for food. I was a bit light headed.

In the middle of the walkway, a car dropped off a woman. She waved at the man and vice versa. When the car sped off, she had this gorgeous smile on her, with a glow of happiness. You can see her love, contentment and joy across her face. I recognize that face cos' I think at one point, I felt the same - to love and be loved, joy, contentment, comfort, security, and to know that there is someone for you.

Such feelings are hard to come by. These are not fleeting emotions but wrap around, hugging you tightly, making one feel safe and blissful. When we have them, cherish, relish, enjoy and be grateful that you had it. Everyone should have this at least once in their life time.

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Living the fast life

2010-07-13T08:55:00.001+08:00

Just recently, there have been 2 high profile deaths in the papers. One was a follow up from the coroner's investigation that happened a year ago and the other was a recent one dying from pneumonia.

According to the press, the former was found dead under the bed by his elderly mother. She thought he was sleeping. Meanwhile, his ex was unconscious by his side. She came later and was wondering why he was still sleeping. She checked and we know what happened after. He died of multiple organ failure due to excessive use of recreational drugs. His lover was fortunate to be alive.

While the first died under mysterious circumstances, the latter died of pneumonia. Many patients die of pneumonia often as a result of prior conditions such as stroke, heart conditions, etc. When his death was first made known in the media, the chat rooms were blazed with activities and not too kind comments. Many alluded to his alleged sero-positivity, drug use, group activities and his preference to have unprotected sex. Many of these comments are not unnecessarily untrue.

Strangely, our lives did cross at one point. For the first, we were tuition mates in school and the latter was someone I knew about 9 years ago. I guess their lives took on a different route when they are seduced by the fast life of drugs and sex. Their forays into experimentation gone awry.

For us who have not used drugs, we can never understand the seduction of this fast life. It seems as if their bodies have been short circuited and the organs within collapsed. Many will agree that they are very foolish and took risky chances.They acted without consideration of the consequences to themselves, parents and loved ones. Drugs are insidious. They create a high that lead a vicious spiral downward. Yet even in death, their lives continue to plummet with the unnecessary remarks and comments in the chat rooms. It will continue unabated for now until another event grabs our imagination. In time, all will be forgotten but hopefully, not the lessons that come from their premature deaths.

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Poverty amidst Affluence

2010-07-11T09:24:00.001+08:00

In Holland V, there is a block of one room rental units managed by HDB. It is tucked by a corner - away from prying eyes - blocked by a condo. To qualify for a rental unit, one's monthly income cannot exceed $1200 per month. The residents are mainly elderly and poor with underlying medical and social problems. Each one room unit houses 2 persons. So imagined yourself having to share space equivalent to half of a 3 room flat. In the past, these one-room rental units used to be dishelved and dilapidated. The corridors dark and dank, poorly lit and filled with litter. When the weather is hot, you will find the residents with their mattresses plied along the staircases. However, recent attempts at upgrading have done away much of it.

I used to visit the elderly in this particular 1 room rental block in Holland V. One of my client was this old man who was suspicious of anyone who visited. Our conversations took place across the gate/door divide. Since the death of his wife, he became a recluse, suspicious of people. When you pried open his door, one corner of the flat is charred and layered with soot, obvious that a fire had taken place. Frighteningly, a cage hangs above with the dead remains of a bird. After 2 visits, we realize we did not make any headway. We left our number in the event that he required any assistance. A couple of months, we learned that he passed away in a nursing home. Apparently, a grassroot member reported his plight and they went in and admitted him into a nursing home. We heard he died a couple of months after his admission.

Auntie Glenda is probably in her late 70s and early 80s. She wears a quirky black glasses that covers half her face and has considerable poofy and robust white hair. She shuffles rather than walk -propped/assisted by an umbrella. You cannot miss her when she walks around - in a pinkish floral print dress with a small cardigan and a pair of white socks pulled up to her knees - in the village. I met Glenda about a decade ago. Then, I was asked to pay her a visit because she had some problems at home. Her home was also filled with lots of stuff and constituted a fire hazard.

I have not seen Glenda for sometime. Disapperances are not a good sign. A couple of years ago, there was this Khek elderly man who pushed a supermarket cart with newspaper and cans around the village. He walked with slight limp and used the cart as support. When he walked around, traffic had to slow down or stop. He disappeared one day and apparently died in a nursing home. He was teetering on heaven's door as he could have collapsed anytime due to his heart condition.

Much has been said about the village multicultural and eclectic mix of peoples with the nice restaurants and international flavours. Forgotten are these denizens of the village who roam the streets; their sudden disappearance left unnoticed. The absence of their presence hardly a bleap in anyone's radar.

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Cautionary Tale

2010-07-10T23:10:00.001+08:00

In a recent party that was marketed as "for singles only," some attached folks wanted to hide their marital status. While the exact motive of their deception will never be uncovered, one can surmise that they are either (1) interested to meet someone; (2) make more friends and/or (3) flirt and have guys fawn over them. I negated (1) because their spouses were with them and so reasons (2) and (3) are probable.

Enter Pierce

Tanned, tall, suave with a baby face. He smiles with a cute dimple and a pair of mesmerizing eyes. Slightly cocky and confident of his looks, he comes across self assured. He knows his own abilities to such an extent that he enjoys participating in pagents. Planted himself in the middle of the room, he begins to charm the singles around him. His bf was also around but seem accustomed to his behaviours. He did not seem to care. Meanwhile, none knew he is attached as he continued the night, effusing charms and weaving spells. Many were mesmerized with him and after the party, there is a clamour for his telephone.

Before the start of the party, P was insistent that his marital status not be revealed. He wanted to enjoy himself with the singles and make friends. I was very perturbed that this deception will cause many to unwittingly think he is eligible. It does not seem morally right and may disappoint many. Despite my protests, none was willing to declare as such. However, except for P, the other attacheds were disengaged and left the singles to mingle in their merry ways.

We need to be wary of guys like P who often posed as available when they are not. They intentionally mislead others who may succumb to his "charms" - unable to figure out his insipid and insidious actions. These actions are simply selfish and can be hurtful if the other party is misled. I guess folks will do anything to have their egos stroked!

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Let it be ...

2010-07-08T08:33:00.001+08:00

A friend was trying to sell his condo and hoping he could get another more convenient one. His agent helped him to set up the necessary arrangement but somehow it did not turn out as ideal as it should. He has gotten some buyers for his place but his potential seller was not giving him a rate that seem fair. Naturally, he was disappointed and decided that maybe at best, he should just remain at his current place. From what I have seen, his pad is tastefully done up and a pity to move out from it.

Disappointments are a mainstay of living. We don't always get what we want and desire and, when this is thwart, we become angry and disappointed. The level, of course, depends on the investment and commitment that we have placed upon it. I used to react badly when things do not go right or to what I have planned accordingly. But through the years, I learned to give up a little control and just let things happen. This is not fatalism but learning to be more forgiving to my own expectations. We are constantly challenged by chance and unpredictability and to think that we can control how an event can be played out is simply delusional (despite this, many still hang out to the fervent belief of control).

Things happen for a reason and while the situation may not pan out now, when we look back across time, life somehow has a way to buffer and "correct" itself. When I was first asked to return back home right before the completion of my studies, it took me sometime to adjust being back and compounded by a lack of privacy, space and employment, it was indeed one of the more difficult stage of my life. Thoughts did linger and I wondered how my life could have been different if I had not returned - dealing with 911 event, the war against terror, missing my uncles' deaths, with Steve, etc. Regrets? Yes, when I first got back. Now? No ... Disappointments are bleaps in time and like memories, they fade. We are very adaptive and resilient creatures - adjusting, rationalizing, and correcting. Things always have a way of working themselves out and I guess the trick is not to wallow - becoming bitter and angry. Looking back, I am just glad that I am back - with the slow fading of the West - with family, friend and lovers around me.

At a wake ...

2010-07-07T21:39:00.001+08:00

Just attended my friend's mother's wake. She was another unfortunate casualty from cancer. Having gone through a bout of therapy and treatment, the family was hopeful that the scourge was extinquished. Unbeknownst, it has crept onto the lymph nodes, causing much suffering. Having had enough with the painful consequences of therapy, she opted the courageous way out of dying.

Her battle with cancer is not unlike many folks I know. My father died of cancer 20 years ago when I just finished my BA. My uncle also died of it 5 years ago after his multiple strokes. Cancer is one of the leading cause of death despite the early detections. Within my office, I have a couple who are cancer survivors. If left untreated, the trajectory of cancer is rapid especially when it hits certain organs. The planned response is rather predictable and can be quite swift.

Back to the wake. It was a solemn affair. A few of us planned to come together and gathered around to give comfort and solace. I do not know if it is an accurate perception but I sometimes feel we talk around the reason of why we are there as if we want to spare our friend his grief of reliving his loss. But I do know that he has prepared himself since his mother was first diagnosed. Of course, having said this, I know that mentally preparing one for the worst scenario or finality does little when it really happens. This kind of psychological innoculation is at best just a disguised cover. The get together was nice even though the occasion could have been much better. Strangely, we live such busy lives that we only get together when there are births, new beginnings and deaths. I wonder why we dun get together during our more tedium grind of life.

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The Chasers

2010-07-03T10:45:00.001+08:00

Some of the folks that I have met worships Artemis - the greek goddess of wisdom. She is the daughter of Zeus who allegedly sprung from his head. She is also the Goddess of the Hunt. When I imply that folks worship Artemis or Diana (also known as such), this is my tongue in cheek reference to guys who like to "chase" their "prey." However, once they have successfully "hunted" them, they will withdraw and revert back to their "real" self.

A person that I have met who embodies this sort of behavior is FJ. While I know him as a friend, his behaviors betray much of his person. A humourous chap, very likeable and witty, able to dish out sarcasm and caustic repartees that can cut through any crap. In the courtship phase, he shows interests and showers attention on the person he dates but as soon as the deal is sealed, he withdraws. While he is committed to the relationship, his once enthusiasm and attentiveness soon evaporates. Not unlike FJ is Matt, who is another attractive, wealthy and well built guy. He not only showers attention but remarkably behaves differently when he is in a state of courtship. With his potential dates, he puts on a personae and mask of the mild mannered man. His ex told me that once they were hitched, his visage slowly unravelled. His placcid demeanour begins to crack with each of his ex's behaviour and very soon, tantrums emerge. Each late reply thru sms is greeted with an inquisition and suspicion. The threats of ultimatiums are a constant. Finally, his ex could not tolerate but to call it quits after 9 weeks.

Chasers live for the hunt and pursuit. With the adrenaline fueled by attraction, it drives them to want to possess their targets. They take risks, teether on the margins of rejection and have absolute resolve to "catch" their hunt. Like a changeling, they use all means - morphing, blending and adapting - to their "hunt's" personality and context -being obliging, polite, funny, considerate, etc. Every new target can be considered a novelty and a challenge. I dun think they are machiavelian and probably lack insights into their behaviors. Fueled by a deep attraction for the other, they probably think their behaviours are simply a natural process of courtship. This is very typical of the human condition where we crave for the new, different and novel. Driven by primal desires, we want to possess our object of out affection. Our typical inclination is to create and start projects. No one enjoys the more tedious project of seeing it through. Courtship is the chase and the process - not the means but the end. Once the job is accomplished, the chasers slowly disengaged - living the relationship and sustaining it becomes tedious and not as interesting. The real work left undone .....

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Best time of the Day

2010-07-01T05:29:00.001+08:00

I love waking up in the morning after a period of restful sleep. The sky is still dark with a cool breeze. Silence in the morning broken by the gawking sounds of birds and occasional traffic. Oldies chatting during their brisk walks with laughter amidst their conversations.

Coffee with a dash of half and half is my prescription to a more wakeful morning. The taste lingering; creating greater awakefulness in my belly - churning, grinding and stirring within. A slurp of coffee does not fail to create such real feelings within. I love it especially when I can find a clean outlet to dispose of the waste from yesterday and last night.

Sitting under the yellow light, surrounded by magazines and books in a cool place is a wonderful place to read. The feeling of the release can be wonderful and shiok. With a good read, time simply passes. I find myself loss in stories, advice and bodies. The springy sensation thereafter - light, clean and simply delightful.

It is the best time of the day :)

Who's zooming who ...

2010-06-30T06:25:00.001+08:00

All over the world, taxi drivers are supposedly some strange breed of peoples. There are always jokes and cracks about their "alien-ness", especially those in New York City. The drivers tend to be manned by first generation immigrants from South Asia with their strange accents, peculiar habits and reckless driving. Then, we have those who drive cabs in London and Tokyo, dressed in 2 piece suits and providing chauffeur-like services.

In Singapore, the profile of taxi drivers seems to be predominantly male, in their late 50s and 60s, and many have held previous jobs in their lives. My experiences riding on a cab have always been colourful and never dull. One can never anticipate what happens in a cab. But typically, this is what is to be expected:

1. Majority of the rides tend to quiet with the driver taking a most professional demeanour. They ask for directions and the ride tends to be smooth.

2. While some rides tend to be smooth, they are never quiet. The radio is either blaring or the cab within is filled with pulsating music from the oldies or Hokkien songs.

3. On occasions when I have discussions with my colleagues in a cab (pre or post meeting) some drivers will take upon themselves to join in our conversations. They will somehow weave themselves into our discussions, thinking he knows what we are talking about.

4. Last week when I took a cab home, a cab driver lavished his stories of his girlfriends and ex wife upon me. Thinking that I have a girlfriend, he told me about the different women he have fucked and how he enjoyed their different nationalities. Having lived overseas for sometime, he professed that he knows how to appreciate them. Even told me about his hong kong ex wife who dumped him because he lost his wealth - implying the pragmatism of hong kongers. Some drivers will "force" their lives upon you but I always take them in strides. As a listener of stories, it is always interesting to hear how we narrate our lives. Taxi drivers have a wealth of stories and they can nourish anyone dying of imagination.

I can imagine that the life of a cab driver cannot be easy. On a daily basis, they have to be vigilant of traffic, confronted by their fleeting thoughts, managing their stress level and visited by an onslaught parade of passengers - each with their own baggage. I guess they have to keep themselves entertained and amused - sharing with whoever cares to listen and keeping solitude when they need their space. This is a job that requires utmost concentration and if not, can result in the most dire of circumstance.

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Foreign Fags

2010-06-25T18:56:00.004+08:00

Cities are magnets for folks who want to get away the suburban, rural and provincial. Usually those who feel different, odd and unbelonged will tend to leave their hometowns for the big cities. So when I was living in the US, cities drew folks living from the surrounding areas where the promise of anonymity, difference and opportunities await. For many Americans, going to college is the opportunity to leave towns and hence, seen as an important rite of passage.

In Singapore, with the government's encouragement on immigration, we are witnessing more of others coming here. Like the fags that our smokers illegally bring in, the "stain" of sexuality carried by some are also imported. Majority from Malaysia, some from China, many from Philippines and others. Many come to earn a living and strive for better quality of life. Few come because of love.

For some, life is not easy. The initial years of an immigrant can be a struggle, establishing roots, making friends and adjusting to the urban living. Esob had it easy. He had some years of working in KL prior to coming over to Singapore. He came over when he got a job here. Like many who come over, he spent the first couple of years touching bases with lots of guys, dated some, broke a couple of hearts and now, in search of the right one. Despite his provincial background, he adapted quickly and shed his past. He realizes that the scene valorizes men of certain fitness and shape - joining a gym was a solution. Many like Esob who has come over are quick to learn the urban fast living. Their "kampong" days over - trading sarongs for hot desks, singlets for tank tops, and fans for air con. The pent up libido looking for release with the right bodies. Many locals who have dated say someone from Malaysia have mentioned how provincial they are but also how real, down to earth, and lovely people as opposed to the locals. They are considered less "complicated" without the "taint" of the gay lifestyle and attitude prevalent with our locals and hong kongers.

I sometimes hear of such nostalgic longings for this "simpler" person. Frozen in time and values, they are reduced to cardboard mannequins. When they break out of this characterization, the disappointments will set in. This is also typical of guys who are in search of the masculine, straight acting and muscled. To revel in such idealizations would only disappoint oneself across time because such imaginations are based often on 2 dimensional images without grounding of what is real. I believe none of us want to be reduced to a caricature. However, if we are looking for fun, does it matter?(On the contrary, for fun, many of us will choose to represent ourselves in 2 dimensions - a butt, dick, bod. We want to be introduced as such so as to reflect our positions of top, flex, etc.)

Many of us dislike the idea of being boxed up, reduced to a stereotype. We ravel in our own complexities and contradictions. Yet when we hunt for love or sex, we tend to forget that the other is as complex and contradictory.

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Cat in the Bag

2010-06-22T08:54:00.000+08:00

Cats, like us, have their own eccentricities and behaviours. As a joint owner of 3 and having pets all my life, it is always interesting to see how they can make your life more fulfilling and meaningful. While they rely on you for nurture and attention, we have them for companionship. They make a household less lonesome and create life. Momo, out of the blue, decided to jump into my bag.

His white hair lined the bag after, forcing me to wet wipe it. Cats love to jump into empty spaces with boundaries - boxes, crates, and bags. Huddled snuggly within, they looked out - pleading for attention with ther cute adorable faces.

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Unmistaken Child

2010-06-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

The Buddhist concept of reincarnation, while both mysterious and enchanting, is hard for most to grasp. This movie follows the four-year search for the reincarnation of Lama Konchog, a world-renowned Tibetan master who passed away in 2001 at age 84 by his devoted disciple, Tenzin Zopa (who had been in his service since the age of seven).

Tenzin sets off on this unforgettable quest on foot, mule and even helicopter, through breathtaking landscapes and remote traditional Tibetan villages. Along the way, Tenzin listens to stories about young children with special characteristics, and performs rarely seen ritualistic tests designed to determine the likelihood of reincarnation. He eventually presents the child he believes to be his reincarnated master to the Dalai Lama so that he can make the final decision.

Tenzin Zopa was designated from a young age to be special and his childhood was similar to that of reincarnated masters. He was not allowed to play with monks his own age and was always in classes or with Geshe Lama Konchog (GLK) and the rest of the monastery heads.

The connection between GLK and Tenzin was formed even before Tenzin was born. When Tenzin’s mother was in labor, GLK came down from his cave to attend to the delivery. GLK actually turned Tenzin inside his mother’s womb to prevent him from being born in a potentially hazardous breach position. Ever since, the locals say, Tenzin wanted to be with GLK. At the age of 7, after long struggles with his father, Tenzin joined GLK and stayed with him until his death.

Tenzin escorted GLK in all of his worldwide teachings and activities and learned English by serving as GLK’s translator. Tenzin completed most of his studies on the road, with GLK as his teacher. He went to the university in southern India only for exams, and was always ranked among the top five students out of more than 5000 monks.
Tenzin is one of the youngest Geshes (equivalent to PhD in Buddhist philosophy) in Tibetan Buddhism. He skipped four school years when he was young, and two years ago the Dalai Lama asked the monastery to schedule his final exams four years ahead of time. Today Tenzin is the spiritual director of the Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition (FPMT) Center in Malaysia and has thousands of students around the world who consider him the successor of Geshe Lama Konchog. (from wiki)

I am a voracious reader of Buddhist texts and magazines; and the texts always impressed upon us to have a teacher-student relationship. I personally did not think too much about it and never paid much attention to how a relationship can deepen one’s spiritual practice. To witness how Tenzin served and mourned the loss of his teacher literally brings one to tears and how privilege for us to be able to have a glimpse of such a unique relationship - the unconditional love of master to disciple and the devotion of latter to the former. It brought me thinking of my own need to have a master even though technically, I am supposed to have one but never know how to get in touch with him. He is in a different plane and my own reading of the texts is limited by my wisdom, humanness, and stage of development. For the past 20 years, reading Buddhist texts have helped to answer much of my existential angst and life after. While my scientific training throws much doubt on the notion of reincarnation and rebirth, much of the other teachings are easily assimilated and makes much sense to my daily living.

The “death” of relationships when one is pulled away from one’s family happens when a layperson decides to become a monk or nun. For many, the decision is often made when they are older and felt the calling of the spirit. For some, they are voluntarily sent by their parents like in Thailand. But for these kids who are the reincarnates of lamas, they have no choice but to join the monastery – “taken” away from their parents. In many ways, their lives may be more comfortable because if not, they will be farmers and into hard labor. It was especially upsetting to witness the anguish and pain of the child’s parents as he is forced to remain and they have to leave. Their departure means the severance of their relationships and the child will rely on the monks to raise him. As the father put it, “for the benefit of all sentient beings … “The child has no other choice. Once chosen, he has to fulfill a certain responsibility.

Many of us are skeptics of this business of identifying reincarnates and wondering how it works. This movie shows the anguish and pain of the process but also the wonderment of finding the unmistaken (male) child. For me, UNMISTAKEN CHILD is a beguiling, surprising, touching, even humorous movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Finding God

2010-06-19T14:34:00.001+08:00

I had a conversation with a colleague today whom I know for more about 9 years. She is a social worker professionally and took some time to work for World Vision in China helping the old and the sick. With a non existent system in China, she found herself under very challenging conditions. She thrived and enjoyed her time despite working for an organization that she dislikes. She came back and took up part time studies in Bible College and got her masters in pastoral counseling.

When we talk, there is always this friendly banter between us, pushing each other's boundaries and poking at each ither's flaws. Mostly her principled views make her not an easy person to work with, often resulting clashes in viewpoints. She has offended many but also earned the respects of some. However, unlike me, while I adhere to certain beliefs about patient care, I have learned not to dogmatic about it. Our background, such as class, race, education, profession and experiences will affect our positions and beliefs; so I have to learn to be accommodative and respectful without pushing one's viewpoint to another. But of course, many perceive that I am either adverse to confrontation or have no position on matters.

Anyway, KK perceive that I am probably an atheist and i probably contributed to it by mentioning that i will probably go into spontaneous combustion if i touch an Anglican reverend (there is a possibility that we may have to work with one and the local Anglican congregation has taken a conservative stance against the revisionists position against the Church of England positions on women and gays. Of course, KK did not get my reference since she is unaware of my sexuality). I dun talk about my religious or spirituality issues at work, partly because it is highly inappropriate and I am also surrounded by many religious folks in the office. But it was interesting to receive smses from her after that if I do want to talk about God or attend church, I should talk to her.

When I was younger, I get pissed off when I am being proselytized or bear witness to someone being subjected to it. I have seen how religious groups mix giving canned food, monies and services to the poor and old with conversations about god and salvation. These are well intentioned folks who truly believe that their actions will eventually save the old and themselves. I just find their actions duplicitous and unethical, lording their beliefs over others. It does not help when behind closed doors, how leaders of church ridicule the faiths of others.
The zeal in which these folks propagate their beliefs and faith can be quite disturbing. I remember a friend of mine in New York used to condemn and shout at these new missionaries for going around Chinatown pedaling the message of God.

While I am a Buddhist, raised and nurtured by a grandmother who mixed Buddhist, Taoist and Chinese rituals and practices, I have pared down my practice to very simple Buddhist practices (minus all the elaborate rituals). I dabble and read Islam, Christianity, yoga teachings and books on spirituality. Eclectic and all encompassing. All have their own perspectives but at the same time, there are commonalities across - teaching us to have loving kindness, compassion, etc. Religion as preaches through institutional structures do not inspire me. The everyday practices of faith and ethical behaviors guide me. It is not only thru Buddhist teachings but whatever I read, observe and people I meet. When death comes to me, i can close my eyes and let go of the things around me .......

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Targets and Goals

2010-06-14T06:39:00.002+08:00

I guess we all set targets and goals for ourselves and what we would like to achieve. We have been so conditioned by these new management theories that indeed setting kpis have become so well ingrained in our working lives. We would think this kind of thinking would have suffused into our daily personal lives or do they?

Personally, whenever I embark on tasks that involve some level of personal transformation such as increasing flexibility, fitness or spirituality, i find myself measuring on some benchmarks which I am unsure if it's healthy

Take for instance, for many of us, vanity has a way of driving us to do things that we know may not necessarily be the best for us. So we hit the gym, go for Botox, restrict our caloric intake, get some nip/tuck, and buy products to dunk on our faces. While I am not judging the folks who do these (since I am also part of this fraternity) but when is it enough? On an extreme side, I do know someone whose face has been nipped, tucked, carved, sliced, ripped apart and attach with lashes across Asia from Singapore to Thailand, Myanmar and latest is Korea.

Many of my friends have said that for a man at my age, working out daily is excessive and a disturbing sign of andropause and some existential crisis. There may indeed be some truth to it but i guess who cares when i am having fun and enjoy the work out. Many decades ago, when i first started out, it was driven out of a need to possess that body figuratively and literally. But now, i have gone auto-mode - working out has become a habit and drivers of motivation are different. But somehow there is still the nagging feeling that the body can be better.

It has been advised that one the big 40 is reached, one loses flexibility. Three years prior, I took my yoga and had an on-off relationships with it. This lasted for 8 years. I have been off for almost a year and the year of constant pounding of weights and the treadmill is signalling that it is time to return back to asanas.

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Don't Stop Believing ...

2010-06-13T21:26:00.002+08:00

As I watched the last episode of Glee, memories of growing up being and feeling different surfaced. These thoughts have not emerged from the dark recesses for some time and for those who remember, it is almost like the same feelings evoked after watching Breakfast Club. Adolescent angst, growing up blues, and the pain of peer pressure. The characters in Glee are a bunch of misfits of never fitting into mainstream culture of jocks and cheerleaders. Each carrying the burden of being different, popular and/or deviant. Like Breakfast Club, they identify themselves as:

"Didn't have a father; Just dance in the room, being slush, I stutter, a closeted diva, not honest with myself, hate the others, just a footballer, captain of the cheerios and never kissed a girl"

Their personhood flattens into uni-dimensional stereotypes denying them the complexity and contradictions of being human. At the last episode of Season 1, it was not a surprise that New Directions lost and was placed 3rd. The surprise was Sue Sylvester showing the softer side of her character; a side reserved for her sister and Becky. Glee Club created, what many of us do when we were young, a safe space for us to express our difference and still be accepted. It harbors, nurtures and allows us to be ourselves. I was fortunate that I had friends when I was in school who amazingly all came out about the same time. Being with friends somehow protected or buffered the difficulties we encounter being different. Likewise, many of us keep to ourselves and with rare exceptions, we allow one or two straights to venture into our lives; keeping them as our confidante and close friends.

On the contrary, sometimes, when we wrapped ourselves too closely with folks who have nothing in common except our sexuality, it may be a disaster waiting to explode. To hang out just because we share same preferences is too simplistic, eventually, we need to be with friends who can share, support and solace.

Anyway, I look forward to the next season of Glee when it comes back in October, anxiously anticipating the songs. It is just nice to sit back and allow oneself to be manipulated and entertained by the full glory of Hollywood - a story about underdogs with songs and dance overcoming inner resistances and greater society; and not to stop believing in one's potential.

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Death becomes me

2010-06-12T18:47:00.002+08:00

Shaken, worried and a little scared. I dreamed that I was dying of a malignant cancer. The cancer spread across my chest and I was not sure how many more days I have had to live.

I have never personally worried about the grim reaper and in some morbid ways, I do look forward to meeting him or her. The thought of dying after my family and friends seem painful and being able to die early is a good excuse not to be confronted with the lessons of life.

What brought on such dark thoughts to my seemingly placid life? Well for one a colleague whom I have worked a little just dropped dead from a stroke while he was giving a lecture, another friend's mother dying from cancer of the lymph nodes and colleagues whose parents just died. Death surrounds us and amazingly, we choose not to see it or how it implicates us.

Many of us wish for a good death - one freed from the pain of physical and existential suffering. All would opt to die in their sleep, few would like a cardiac arrest and minority among us desire to have a prolonged death like cancer, etc. The signals that the journey to the other side begin when our bodies begin to show signs that perhaps it is not performing as well as we hope it should. Pain, joints creaking, headaches, breathing difficulties and even worst, the invisible and insidious rise of blood pressure, sugar level and cholesterol. The build up of the latter unseen and unnoticed will produced lethal and eventually fatal results if we carry on our merry old ways of gluttony, sloth and mindless behaviours.

Since the passing of the distant colleague who is only 5 years older, it signaled to me that I should uncover the hidden problems within my body - just go through a comprehensive health screening. Despite my work outs and careful dieting, perhaps one can never be too sure if history or genetics can play a trick upon us.

We usually confront death through denial, fatalism, passive acceptance or the lens of our spirituality. How we go through the last couple of years will depend upon the shadows cast over us - our past behaviours, thoughts and feelings will eventually come to haunt us. It's time to start thinking through what we do to complete the emptiness within - not sex, gluttony, ignorance ...if we indulge in excess of these, the attachments and desires will shape how we die ...

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In Basque Country

2010-06-11T22:02:00.002+08:00

1 June 2010

We took the red eyed to Barcelona via Milan. It was a long flight of about 15 hours and had to transit for about 6 hours before heading to Bilboa. The flight was uneventful and actually quite restful and does reinforce the idea that it may not be a bad idea to take business class on long haul flights.

Bilboa is the largest city in the Basque Country and capital of Biscay, Spain. The city of Bilboa has about 400 inhabitants and is the most financially and industrially active part of Greater Bilboa, the zone in which almost half of the Basque Country’s populations lives. The main engines of the economy are manufacturing, financial and has the largest cooperative in Spain. It is a major seaport and industrial centre and city located at the Estuary of Bilbao with suburbs extending to the Bay of Biscay. It ranks as one of the largest metropolitan area of Spain.

The city recently focused on urban renewal so as to move away from the region’s industrial history and the desire to focus on tourism and services. The developments seem to be the upgrading of the metro system and the Guggenheim Bilbao Museum. There is even a new tram line that subtly flows into the landscape of the city. It is, hence, not surprising that just this year, it won the Lee Kuan Yew World City Prize in recognition of its integrated and holistic approach in urban transformation. It is sensibly designed with how art/urban design/functionality seamlessly merge. It also blends the old and new.

During the last couple of days coupled with beautiful weather, cool temperature and bright sunshine, it has been a pleasure and wonder to be there. The city proper, not overly populated, gives a sense of lightness of being without the stress of urban living. The roads equally cater for pedestrians, cyclists and drivers. None have a monopoly. My time at Bilboa was essentially spent walking and running along the Ria de Bilboa. It is a beautifully slandering river snaking through the city and punctuated by numerous bridges adjoining the north and south of the city. The backdrop of the north overlaid with hilly ridges. The sights are spectacular especially with the Guggenheim Museum sitting majestically by the side of the river.

The cool temperature was very conducive without breaking into a sweat and running in the afternoon with a community of walkers and runners. The cool breeze courses through the body and evaporating all sweat that appears. The body lightens and one can continue to run, if not for the cobblestones and gravel path that hurts my shints as they pound against it.

One does not think of Bilboa when one travels to Spain. But it is worth considering ..

Getting to the Bottom of it

2010-05-26T21:28:00.001+08:00

We all know that sexual positions determine who our partners will eventually be and hence, our “happiness.” We seek those that will complement our positions - giving pleasure and filling us desire. But just simply narrowing one as a top or bottom may be too simplistic, since we know there are variations within. We never presume all men to be the same, or Chinese to behave alike or Caucasians are identical. So we should never assume bottoms to be just bottoms.

There is a group of bottoms that are simply insatiable. More energized than the battery driven rabbit, they can go on and on and on, able to take any tops. Their pleasure does not cease with each exchange, demanding for more and wanting it to last longer. A friend told me that they are known as “pig bottoms,” and they sit/lie passively with each thrust. These bottoms just want to be “filled” and “completed.” They dun do nothing and expect the tops to do all the work. For a top to fulfill this bottom, he would need to have the stamina, endurance and strength to complete the task at hand. It is indeed difficult to satiate the voracious appetite of these pig bottoms.

On the flip side, there is another group of bottoms, who are aggressive and active. They take charge and are in control of the dyadic exchange. They dictate the pleasure of the tops – able to withhold and give with each gyration. These active bottoms do not fulfill the stereotype of the passive bottom. Contrary to the image, they often provide the pleasure to their tops, servicing them with much gusto and enthusiasm. These guys have complete minutiae control of their muscular orifices and use that to pleasure the desires of the top.

These 2 descriptions are, of course, generalizations, and many do fall somewhere in between the two characterizations. The dance of 2 people is not as straightforward as what it appears. In this dance, one can take charge and then, relinquish control to surrender to the aggression of the other and then, it flips as the other relents to the surge of control. Rarely do we see pure embodiments of these descriptions but we know they do exist. While these characterizations may be simplistic descriptions of the actions of the bottoms, the psychology of bottoms are more fascinating and interesting.

The stereotype or image of bottom is always the lean dude who wants to be taken in control, possessed, and bordering on being girlish. It relates to the whole gendered image of being a woman – the weaker and passive sex. Such perceptions have driven some bottoms to dissociate their sexual identity and claim to be “flex “instead. These attempts not to be perceived for a bottom give an indication of the struggle that some bottoms feel with this identity.

And while this stereotype “forces” some to dis-identify, we have others who embrace the identity whole heartedly. Many of them are sought after with their buffed bodies and chiseled abs. These are the bottoms that all tops would like to possess and be with. And then, there are bottoms who have highly successful careers but when it comes to closed doors, they relinquish every modicum of control in their lives and surrender to the advances of the top. It is interesting to note this role reversal in this particular aspect of their lives where there seems to be a dissonance between selves. It baffles me and the answer eludes them.

Lastly, we have some guys who we perceive as bottoms but claim to be a top. FL is this lean and tanned guy whom I have known for years. He dates Caucasian men only. All first impressions will slot FL as a bottom. While he is highly successful in his career, he wears the most outrageous clothes, hops around like a butterfly and occasionally, you cannot tell if he is wearing women’s or men’s attire. But one day to our utter surprise some years back, he shared with us that he has been top with all his exs – all Caucasians. We could not believe and to this day, some of our mutual friends are still skeptical of his claim.

While we all want to get to the bottom of our sexual positions, perceptions fashion in some ways how we would want to identify ourselves. Many claim to be top, some claim to be versatile while others want to be bottom. Do we really know? How can we tell? If someone does not engage in anal sex, will he require such a identity?

This Week in History

2010-05-16T19:08:00.000+08:00

Just in this weekend edition of FT, there are reports on the historic coalition between Nick Clegg (liberal democrats) and David Cameron (torries). While it appears that this is common in Europe, this is a rare moment in UK politics. Then, there is the continued turmoil in Bangkok where more are dying, the government is getting harsh and resistance is growing. On the third page, the slashing of women and children in China. It appears that the murder of the most vulnerable in society is rampant and folks are just copying each other in their brutality. This is not the first but the 3rd or 4th occasion. Again, the article points to psychological treatments and they have to be committed by the mentally I'll.

At home, Goh Keng Swee has passed on at 91. A name we often heard when we were growing up. And on a more celebratory tone, pink dot!

I sometimes wonder why I dun read the papers. While castasclymic events happen, cocooned by the compulsion to work shields us from events of afar. I swallowed the main paper and sullenness took over. The highly volatile climate of events happening across brought closer by new media .... Not sure if I do want to know ...

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Break Ups

2010-05-08T18:45:00.003+08:00

Relationships do not work for many reasons. Many of them because of extra-marital affairs, some dissolve because of new love in their lives, few have irreconcilable differences, and some just parted ways in time. There are many reasons why 2 people part ways and as bystanders, we will never understand or begin to fathom the dissolution. But it is easy to attribute blame on one party usually the one who is not our friend in the dyad.

SJ came to me today and was concerned that his relationship with his boyfriend of 4 years was unraveling. Their partnership has been an on and off stint and there have been a couple of short separations between the 2. From an outsider’s perspective, it would appear that WK is very loving and adores SJ while the latter seems to be more dominant in the dyad. The latter usually makes decisions on what to eat, watch, and go. So the corollary, upon first impressions, is akin to a master and its wagging tail dog. It does not help when SJ constantly feels that he can do better in his selection of beau, always crooning for someone out there. He felt he has settled and made compromises for a choice that he ought not to have made in the first place. We all wonder why then is SJ still with WK. But having spent many hours being with them, the micro-politics of interaction between the 2 quickly unravels. Yes, while SJ is dominant, the tactics of the underdog do emerge. WK does get his way also. When they break up, the dominant narrative would be SJ making his mind about moving on. The axis of blame will squarely fall on him. Friends who were once mutually shared will cleave and begin to take sides. Also, what emerges from the fallout between the 2 will also have a separate narrative – if they remain friends, bitter breakups, etc.

Having gone through a breakup, the dissolution of a relationship is never a decision or a moment in time. It is an erosion of love across time. However, it takes a pivotal moment such as adultery, argument, a burst of anger to break the connection. As friends and bystanders, we often weave stories that can aggravate an already difficult situation. It is difficult for us to simply observe, listen and support, especially when blame can be easily attributed to one.

When I broke up with D and while we were trying to unravel our lives, it was difficult to keep a balanced and measured perspective especially when friends foisted their ideas upon me – shove him out, cut him off, etc. In my younger days, I guess I would have done that. I believe that we need a bit of anger to part ways and some time away from each other to regain one’s individuality. Having promised myself that I would do things differently, I took the other stance with D –understanding, patient and as much as possible, divorce from anger. In retrospect, the end was good but the means to it was fraught with difficulties. It was also difficult having to explain to friends on my strategy and decisions, without them fully understanding the reasons and motivations. Separation and divorce are very private affairs. Unraveling a history can be painful but also a relief sometimes. As friends, we can only support and guide (if necessary), holding back our thoughts, judgments and perspectives.

The Oblique Pursuit of Happiness

2010-05-08T17:30:00.002+08:00

For the longest time, whenever someone asks me if I am happy, I will always re-phrase and re-position the question. Never happiness! It’s always about contentment. I guess my definition of happiness is always fleeting, ephemeral, and driven by this subconscious and irrational belief that the pursuit of happiness could be addictive. Sometimes, I wonder if my constant evasion of the question belies my irrational consciousness that maybe I do not deserve happiness. Hence, I seek contentment in life? This is usually how I have viewed happiness until I have read Obliquity by John Kay.

In his book, Kay argues that there are some goals in life are more likely best obtained indirectly. The most profitable company are not the ones most aggressive with bottom lines, the most wealthy men and women are not the most materialistic and the happiest people do not pursue happiness. He uses the word “obliquity” to describe how we can use indirect approaches to solving problems and how we use these approaches can help us to develop better decision making skills.

For him, happiness cannot be achieved with the pursuit of happiness. He describes that we often derive happiness not from doing something specific that makes us happy but performing an activity that is effortless but at the same time, one is experiencing some level of challenge. It is like for us working and things are going well, and performing to target. For me, it is the act of swimming and running to the targets that I have set for myself. I may be tired, worn out from exhaustion but despite my fatigue, having hit the targets gives me a sense of accomplishment.

People experiencing such activities will not describe themselves as happy but these contribute to a sense of well being, When we think through in our lives, many people have reported that moments such as these (when we are being challenged but yet still about to fulfill them despite its stressors) that will stand out as best in their lives. For me, the yoga and meditation retreat in Bhutan stands out to be one of my defining moments. So as Kay says, we seek happiness in oblique ways, sometimes, we may associate the run and gym with pain and unhappiness, but in a greater scheme of things, we attain happiness indirectly.

Of course, we all have ways to make us “happy” – taking drugs, addicted to sex or gambling, etc. And we know that these people using such methods are truly not happy. Happiness is not achieved through the frequent repetition of pleasurable experiences, especially since many of us do not know what it is that we should pursue in the first place. But we do know that happiness is more about personal fulfillment, rather than objective circumstances. Happiness is where you find it and not where you go in search of it. Hence, the discovery of this state should always be oblique.

Discovering a "Lost" species

2010-05-08T16:34:00.002+08:00

“I don’t do ONS nor believe in open relationships. I like to get to know someone first before I can have sex. Hence, I never do the saunas and massages. I do not feel comfortable and don’t think it would be fun. Nah, I have thought of doing group or even 3-way. I am more 1 to 1. Sex is about intimacy and being physically closed together. It takes me a long time to get close to someone. And I hate the pubs and bars. I just find the people there very atas, and spent a lot of time drinking and indulging in catty conversations – bitching about others. I have this group of friends that every end of the year, they would fly to Taiwan for the year end party. I have never been to any of these parties. I don’t understand what is so fun about.
I did the scene you know, I do not do it anymore. I just think it is a waste of time. For me, once I love someone, it is going to be forever. I have asked my ex if he wanted to get back together but he refused. He moved on so quickly after our breakout as if our relationship did not matter. He slept around. I know he had to move on but I did not expect him to move on so quickly. It was kind of hurtful.
Since the breakup 2 years ago, I have tried the pubs, met people on the net and I am kind of tired. I am not giving up and I still believe in finding my boyfriend. I am looking for someone who is homely, simpler things in life, don’t do pubs and like just the simpler things. I am not sure where to find these people. They are hiding somewhere. When I met some of these people, they just want to eat at air con places, hated food courts and talked about LV all the time. Is it too much to ask for someone who likes simpler things? I am not sure where to find them in the net. Sigh…”

This is a condensed extract from a conversation that I had with J. He is a traditionalist and desiring for “simpler” things and shunning the ‘sex-ier” elements of the community. Strangely, he is looking for the man in sites such as Planet Romeo, often a site where sex predominates. Of course, he did confess that he hardly has any luck in Romeo anymore.

Another person is S. Also, very much a stay home kind. Like J, he also gyms in the morning, works very hard in a job that he detests and spends a lot of time with his parents and surfing the net. He also does not venture out much often and while he professed that he is looking for friends, he is indeed desiring for relationships.

Unlike some of the people that I have written which are wrapped in complications and secrecy, these folks represent the other end of the spectrum in gay lives. They often remain celibate and prefer the company of their straight friends, worn down by the “gaiety” of PLUs and not giving up hope that they would finally meet the one that they like. To some, these are the “lost” since they do not participate in the discourse of hook ups and sex. But for many, they are the ones that are highly sought – the elusive straight acting manly guys that are not in the scene, seemingly with no baggage or history. However, as attractive as some of these folks, their traditional views can be quite jarring and loud. It may seem like a rush of cold air among the heated discourse of sex but the rigidity to views can sometimes freeze someone in their tracks, especially when they spout out seemingly heterosexist views and homophobic comments. So when one tries to connect with them, it will require some flexibility to routines, thinking, approach and views. In the end, like everyone else, they are just trying to live a life true to their values and beliefs.

Using the Power Drug (II)

2010-04-21T14:55:00.002+08:00

The long entry on ICE is partly to facilitate my understanding of this power drug but also “enlighten” my readers who may not know the icy effects of the drug. From my few discussions with friends whom I have met, many have indeed tried ICE and a couple were at one point can be considered as a heavy user.

Both KC and BE were users of ICE. Driven by totally different motivations, one haunted from a past that continues to plague and define him and the other shaped by the compulsion of fantasies and ideals of a community that few can attain. It is indeed unfortunate that both guys in their prime of their adulthood have “chosen” to use ICE to either indulge in their fantasies or to forget the history that shadows their life.

BE was introduced to ICE when he was in his mid 20s after he met his first boyfriend and since he has been an "on and off" user. BE became addicted to the drug because it enhanced his senses, and hence, his pleasure. His highs were met with lows when the withdrawal effects wax. It was not surprising that during the course of our conversation, he mentioned that he has swings of suicidal ideations, and strangely, for someone as intelligent as BE, he was not able to attribute this to the effects of withdrawal. Instead, he talked about his difficult working environment, and problematic family relationships. Also, BE’s use of ICE and his unsafe sex practice, as a result, attests to the results of San Diego study mentioned in the previous entry. He has mentioned that he can never find satisfaction in pleasure if either ICE or bare backing is absent. Much was said during our dinner together but this was clouded by his bitter breakup from his ex. Both of them, untested for HIV, swirl in a cesspool of ICE and bare backing, and unable to break the cycle of addiction. One of the more poignant statements he did make and with much (false) pride was his 6 ab. His introduction of ICE to his ex has made himself/his partner look hot and with his abs, his market value has gone up.

KC and H, meanwhile, stumbled upon ICE when a sex partner offered the drug for them to experiment. Like all experiments, it can either be a one shot attempt or a prolonged experiment gone awry. H was invited to a party and was offered the drug. He tried and instead of indulging his senses, he told me he sat there and cried over his mother’s death –all the unresolved issues and anger emerged. He was not invited to the party again. While the experience of ICE was indeed euphoric, the crash subsequent was indeed devastating, especially post event – the sense of emptiness, lethargy and worthlessness left H depressed. It took him at least 4 – 5 days to recover and the temptation to use it was ever present. Much to his credit and will, he warded off the urges.

KC, on the other hand, was unable to resist the temptation and used it to cope with his sense of abandonment by his father and his imagined (yet real) rivalry with his sibling. Always well-composed and polite, KC’s addiction to the drug has always been a puzzle to me. Like many, he tried it because his buddy asked him to sniff it and as such, he was on the road to perdition. He also witnessed the highs and lows associated with usage of the drug, with the torment of suicidal ideations. Someone commented on his “lean” look at one point and in retrospect, it may simply be the effects of the “meth” look. Fortunately, everything came crashing one day. He had the courage to confront his inner turmoil to see the problems within, had a good cry and take action against his own addiction. He says he has kicked the habit and I prayed he has. If he continues his addiction or relapse, my personal take is that a life is lost.

It appears that many take "meth" for the momentary transcendence of ecstasy and pleasure. We are seduced by the promise, tempted by the highs and lured by the long sessions. Unfortunately, many forget the crash after and the possible addiction that may follow. A 6-abs lean look supposedly represents the epitome of health yet using ICE to shortcut is simply a parody of the real. Indeed this mimicry of fitness is a poor hollow representation and instead of health, it is slow degradation to death.

On the other hand, to use meth to iced one’s psychological problems is indeed misplaced and rather than dealing with the core issues, the icing will simply obfuscate and complicate matters. Addiction is itself a psychological problem and to compound with an existing problem is to sink into a deeper cesspool. It would take more than strong will and perseverance to get out. Relapse is a recurring issue for one who was once a user. Love, support and comfort are essential elements for a smooth recovery. We need to remind ourselves that if we have friends/lovers who have ever fallen, we need to be the aid to support them.

Using the Power Drug (I)

2010-04-18T14:23:00.002+08:00

According to the Wiki:

Methamphetamine (also known as ICE) is a psychoactive stimulant drug. It increases alertness and energy, and in high doses, can induce euphoria, enhance self-esteem, and increase sexual pleasure. Methamphetamine has high potential for abuse, activating the psychological reward system by increasing levels of dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin in the brain. Some of the common physical effects include anorexia, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, flushing, restlessness, dry mouth, headache, constipation, blurred vision, twitching, insomnia, numbness, tremors, acne, pallor and if high doses/chronic, convulsions, stroke, and possibly death. Meanwhile, psychologically, users can include euphoria, anxiety, increased libido, alertness, concentration, energy, self-esteem, self confidence, sociability, irritability, aggression, hubris, excessive feelings of power, and obsessive thoughts. However, if a user chooses not to continue its use, withdrawal is characterized by excessive sleep, increased appetite, depression and accompanied by anxiety and drug craving.

Methamphetamine is addictive. While not dangerous, withdrawal symptoms are common with heavy use and hence, relapse is common. Methamphetamine addiction is one of the most difficult forms of addictions to treat. The mental depression associated with methamphetamine withdrawal is longer lasting and more severe than that of cocaine withdrawal.

Methamphetamine users and addicts may lose their teeth abnormally quickly, a condition known as “meth mouth”. This effect is not caused by any corrosive effects of the drug itself, which is a common myth. Meth mouth "is probably caused by a combination of drug-induced psychological and physiological changes resulting in dry mouth, extended periods of poor oral hygiene, frequent consumption of high-calorie, carbonated beverages and teeth grinding and clenching."

Users may exhibit sexually compulsive behavior while under the influence of methamphetamine. This disregard for the potential dangers of unprotected sex or other reckless sexual behavior may contribute to the spread of sexually transmitted infections or sexually transmitted diseases. Among the effects reported by methamphetamine users are increased libido and sexual pleasure, the ability to have sex for extended periods of time, and an inability to ejaculate or reach orgasm. In addition to increasing the need for sex and enabling the user to engage in prolonged sexual activity, methamphetamine lowers inhibitions and may cause users to behave recklessly or to become forgetful.

According to a recent San Diego study, methamphetamine users often engage unsafe sexual activities, and forget or choose not to use condoms. The study found that methamphetamine users were six times less likely to use condoms. The urgency for sex combined with the inability to achieve physical release (ejaculation) can result in tearing, chafing, and trauma (such as rawness and friction sores) to the sex organs, rectum and mouth dramatically increasing the risk of infectious transmission. Methamphetamine also causes erectile dysfunction due to vasoconstriction.

In Singapore, methamphetamine is a Class A — Schedule I controlled drug. Under the Section 17 of the Misuse of Drugs Act, any person who carries 25 or more grammes of the drug shall be presumed to possess them for the purpose of drug trafficking, which is punishable by death. Unless authorized by the government, the possession, consumption, manufacturing, import, export, or trafficking of methamphetamine in any amount are illegal.

Sex and Death in Bangkok

2010-04-18T07:58:00.001+08:00

Last weekend, on 12 April 2010, The Bangkok Post reads “Blood Spilled.” About 296 were injured as reported. A soldier, 3 red shirts and a Reuter photographer were killed according to hospital director. What was a peaceful protest became deadly as grenades were thrown and gun fired. I believe eventually, 24 died as a result of the cross fire.

On the same time, as gun were being fired and grenades thrown, 3 circuit parties were held from Friday to Sunday in Bangkok where hundreds of fairies, bears, twinks, closets, dandies, bodilicious, averages Joes, etc descended from across the region. Some came as far away as Canada and France (transited in Singapore). This is supposed to be THE party after the Mardi Gras in Sydney.

As they party and dance and some possibly drugged up, the mayhem of politics raged in the streets away from the air conditioned cocooned space of bodies, sweat, desire, sex, and pleasure. Thanatos’ presence manifests in the public arena. Eros showed up in the private space of a party. Sex-Death !

Strangely, many came back, talking about how fun the party was, how the streets were safe and how the danger seems overblown. Are we so blinded by our own pursuit for fun that we have forgotten that a nation is in crisis and now, there is unnecessary deaths and blood shed? While we may not understand or (dis)agree with the protests being played out, I guess there should be some sensitivity to the situation. I just find it difficult to fathom that we can have party fun while the soul of the country is in distress.Or am I being just thinking too much again?

Circle of Love & Sex

2010-04-17T13:58:00.003+08:00

Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made to connect any two people in six steps or less. We all know the world is metaphorically shrinking and becoming smaller. Through social networks such as Friendsters, Facebook, and Fridae, we all seem to be related and connected through someone else. It is so easy now to “reach out and touch” someone in Japan, Taiwan or anywhere else in the world with just clicks of a button. You simply need patience, persistence, and ability to gauge the other’s responses to cultivate a friendship or sexship. With the region " shrinking", it is not surprising that guys within a country are venturing out from within to seek guys in other countries. I know of one who has claimed that he has “exhausted” the guys in Singapore and only have hook ups with tourists who come to town and similarly with some guys in Taiwan who have expressed the same sentiments to me. The usual comment, “the circle is too small here, everyone knows everyone, it is too scary.”

CS just broke up with TFM a couple of months ago. They met slightly less than 2 years ago and broke up after CS found TFM having extracurricular activities behind him. The latter was loading up his own pics on Grindr and Trevvy looking for hookups and only after CS used some fake pictures to “entrap” him that the whole relationship unraveled. Of course, TFM denied the whole situation, claiming to know that he was being entrapped. Anyway, CS who has since moved on.

However, as our conversation continued, I began to learn the identity of TFM who was once a partner to a friend - SJ. They have since broken up years ago. When CS and I began to share notes, we realize that CS and TFM and SJ and T (who is SJ’s current partner) are all inter-related and at one point, all four were connected somewhat.

SJ was with TFM for a couple of years. Their relationship, like many, was unique and from a bystander position, you sometimes wonder why they are together. Dynamics are fraught with complexities and complications. One wonders how they manage to be together for so many years. Inevitably, like all relationships, it finally ended.

After SJ left TFM, he got hitched up with T who was introduced via a mutual friend. Both became friends very quickly and have since become attached. Despite their differences, they seem to get along pretty well. They indulge in common activities of clubbing, food, wine, gym and travel.

I learned from CS that before he was hooked up with TFM, he met T through Trevvy and when we compared notes, this was during his time with SJ. While nothing transpired, we inferred that T was already “out” playing in the 2nd year of his relationship with SJ. So when CS hooked up with TFM, T even cautioned him about TFM (which did not reveal the reasons of his breakup with SJ).

Yes, a much convoluted story but I guess when four lives are inter-twined and entangled momentarily at one point in time, it gets very complex. Our actions and behaviors have (re)actions and implications. While we choose to cover our history and past, it inevitably bubbles up to the surface where “truth” will be revealed. Karma has a way of bringing old friends, enemies, strangers and family together again – whether this translates to a recriminations or celebration – will very much depend how we choose to act. I guess something that we should be mindful as we move along.

Tokyo – Narita Airport

2010-04-09T23:17:00.005+08:00

4 April 2010

It has been 4 days since my last entry. Despite exhaustion from exploring the city and excessive gluttony, I am having a wonderful time. I can understand why my friend, Vik, is so fascinated and enraptured by the culture, peoples and the country. This is not unexpected because I was already forewarned about the shopping experience, fed by the diversity of quality choices. As much as I have enjoyed the city, my most memorable or “take home” lessons from this trip are how couples negotiate their relationships (from my travelling companions) and how foreigners (such as those from another country and culture) negotiate the terrain of local culture.

I have the privilege to be introduced or acquainted with a couple of new friends in this trip who are in Tokyo either for work commitments, school or for vacation. They have all come here because of the allure of Japan and/or their familiarity/background of the language and/or culture. From my short encounters with them, each is negotiating the terrain of not being a local differently. My observations are certainly generalizations and sweeping.

Indeed, for those who are able, there is a tendency to assimilate through appearance – "whitening", dressing, demeanor and most importantly, language. Without the latter, one is forever denied access. I am not sure if it is indeed a conscious decision to fit in or are these folks already attracted to the culture and hence, look like them.

Despite their familiarity with the language, there is always the psychological/spatial /social displacement of being in another country – the isolation and sense of being uprooted from a local and familiar environment. Each will surround themselves with elements closed to their heart - a boyfriend, coalesce with others from the same country, culture and/or acquaint with others from other countries. But of course, one way to have sense of belonging is to "marry" a local.

There are few who will resist the temptation to fit in and will stand apart from all. They tend to do it for pragmatic reasons and hence, have chosen the position of a bystander to observe society and life. They will cocoon themselves with a routine of work and friends from their country of origin. Occasionally, make forays into the local culture.

Many who come to this country see themselves as making a stopover in our journey through life. Their stay tends to be short about 3 – 5 years, few will want to stay and very few will want to settle permanently. Although the stay may be short, but how do we begin to make the best of these 3 years to quench the bubbling needs that emerge often - affiliation, sexual, companionship, etc and at the same time, lead a moral and ethical life.

B came to Tokyo because of a work assignment, leaving his boyfriend and his mother back in Singapore. B is a tanned, muscular dude who will not have any problems finding a boyfriend in Singapore. He seems to have all the necessary "credentials" - articulate, confident, carries himself well, masculine, and considerate. being uprooted and transplanted to Tokyo was not considered a disadvantage for B since he did his college in Japan and speak the language impeccably. However, appearance wise, he is tanned and not look like a Japanese.

Japanese society draws moral boundaries between the ins and outs. Much has been said that the locals treat the non locals slightly differently. B stands out as a non local and while he is away from his BF and family, he tries to make the best of the situation. He is pragmatic of his situation. With 2 years into his posting, B is not looking for a bf to settle down but would like to have someone to hang around, buddy up, a sense of companionship, and some sex. I find it intriguing that he has set such parameters for himself and yet, think that he is not in a relationship.

Many people like us who are posted overseas live with such dilemmas. They take leave from their loved ones, extracted from familiarity, sent to a place to plant new roots and struggle with the desire to deepen their roots, knowing one day they may have to move back again. In this globalized community, this is nothing extraordinary. I made the move back 12 years ago, coming home, leaving S. In retrospect, there is nothing to mourn or be sad, the fleeting nature of relationship is part of cycle of life.

An Internet Exchange ...

2010-04-08T21:41:00.005+08:00

A: Hello, Hows your weekend been? i happened to read your profile and your blog. Its really interesting and i could tell you are a guys with ideas and thoughts:)So what brings you here?

Me: thanks for reading the blog .. i just write down my observations and maybe try to fairly honestly as much as possible note them down. options open..

A: For me im seeking for love which is not always easy especially in this circle whether everyone is so septical of relationship . How have your weekend been thus far?

Me: Thanks for sharing .. i think a lot of them want relationships but also want the option to play .. so can never decide. Weekend was good .. usual and it just went by too quickly.

A: Thats the irony. I can never understand how can someone who seek LTR also seek ONS and fun. Its just a contridiction, don't you agree? Perhaps the defination of love is different in this circle. I guess people just lost that faith and hope.

Over the weekend, i met up my best friend and we went out for a drink as well as a movie in town. Good movie at the Cathy Filmhous. Forgotten the title of the movie but basically its about a professional who is racist and she got a rare disease that made her go black. Interesting.

well, i think the guys out there want everything .. stability and novelty .. quite mutually exclusive at times .. not sure if it is love though :)

Me: U sound like u had a blast with the movie .. i am going to look it up. single man is out .. and george clooney's new movie is also out .. a lot of movies to watch .. so what kind of guy are u looking for?

A: Honestly i just want someone who wish to date me for the possibilities of a relationship. The funny thing is i dated quite some guys and sometimes it does not work out. The worst are those who like you and vice versa but they have committment issue or fear for relationship. I had an experience like that.

I am lucky i managed to find love once for 6 years plus so i guess you could say i am still a believer of love.

The type that turns me on:

*confident and self assured guys
*know what he wants and fight for it
*happy go lucky and humourous
*have a mind of his own and have opinions and thoughts
*easy to hang around
*manly

Turn off:

*drama queen and emotional wreck
*confused both sexually and personally
*obsessed with LV and branded stuff.

I guess that pretty much says it all. However there are no fast and hard rules when it comes to love. Its all about feeling and chemistry.

What about you? What kind of guys are you looking for?

A: thanks for the long msg .. its very thoughtful and not many here writes such msgs :)... what kind of guys i am looking for .. if this sounds like a cop out, i am not sure myself .. but your list is pretty generic and it resonates for me. but i am not the list sort of person and goes a lot by feel and chemistry.

but i do not fall under your turn off category ..ha ha

A: The list is good to help pick out traits that i like in a man. Having said that, sometimes one can't just pick and choose. Its easier said then done. Like yourself, its very much of the feel and chemistry. As well as the connection and vibe. This sort of things are hard to define. I guess its kind of like a magnetic field current when you met someone special.

Good thing is as long as you are not under my turn off category then everything will be fine.

So how have your week been so far. By the way, just out of curiousity. Do you expect your partner to be as fit as yourself?

Me: My partner to be fit as me .. good question! It always happens that when my partner is with me .. he also starts to lift weights and exercise. So they do become fit eventually even if they are not as fit to begin with .. of course, i prefer them to be fit but its not necessary.

A: i think i look normal...dont know about turn off...hmmm...that you got to judge.
I just started work and im in logistic. Previously im from the airline industry:)...
So whats your plan for the weekend?

Me: hi, weekend has been normal .. nothing significant except went out with an american friend in town .. can i go off in a limb and ask if you were a flight attendant? U seem to have the looks and height for it.

A: American bf or fun date huh? .. Yup i was but not anymore:)

Me: Its a friend for the longest time .. 12 years .. no fun whatsoever ..

A: wow...why it did not develop into something more?

Me: no lah ..

A: Tsk tsk...i knew you must be picky. lol ur type must be the type tat have 6 pecs and nice chest and good body.

Me: I wish that is my type .. alas, it is not!

A: Hmm....hard to believe. cant be u are into fatties?

3 couples and 1 single

2010-04-05T19:36:00.000+08:00

Vacation ends as soon it begins. The slow drag of time during a work week seems to accelerate when one is on vacation.

Despite the hiccups we had in the beginning, it was lots of fun when you travel with a group of friends discovering cities, learning culture, observing peoples and tasting cuisines. It makes a vacation less monotonous when you have different friends to share and reflect during the journey. This is opposed to my vacations when I travel alone where my observations are reflected in writing. Both are just as enjoyable differently.

During this trip, I was with couples in different stages of maturity in love - 6 years, about 4 and the third one is barely a year. Dynamics were played out within and never between. Their affection played out in the theatre of love qualitatively different. Like all relationships, there were the usual outbursts of anger and annoyance often with an underlying intensity of love underlining it. I know they would not argue if they did not care. Of course, this hardly fazes me and for me, it's part of the constant negotiation of being in love.

Anyway, for the most matured relationship, we have the playful and deep struggle on the managment of boundaries between the 2. Playfulness can manifest in arguments, tic for tac bitchiness, lovely affections always with deep understanding of each other.

The 2nd one is fraught with power dynamics with one being more in love (at least in overt expressions) with the other. The relationship is placcid and seemingly less confrontational with lots of rolling of the eyes. The overt devotion of one to the other is undeniable and blatant for all to witness. However, the love for the oher is less obvious and expressed in the satiation of needs.

The young one is a difference in approach to life and beliefs with a gulf of about a decade between the 2. So the relationship is manifested through cohort differences but also lived experiences. While the younger one is matured in thinking and will always seize every opportunity to engage in intellectual discourse, he lacks the lived experiences to inform thinking and for this, you can only learned from living through a rich tapestry of life. The older one seizes every opportunity to learn patience, very admirable from someone who obviously makes certain choices so he can enjoy and love life. Both learning to negotiate the boundaries that go back and forth between the 2! Having interacted with guys in their late 20s, I can understand how A manages the relationship and not flipping at the same time because his partner is genuinely a very loveable and principled person who needs to "grow" up and experience life's complexities but also enjoy life's colourful offerings.

Being the single person, I sometimes sense the "the pasture is greener on the other side" thinking. We often hear some singles (not the jaded ones) pining for love and the couples wanting some respite from being coupled. So while I know my friends want me to get laid during this trip, I begin to find it offensive when I was constantly asked to go to the saunas. My orgasm in Japan is all spent when I find issey miyake or yohji yamamoto at a cheap price. For me to see them negotiating their boundaries and depth of love, I was envious and deep appreciation of my friends being coupled, naturally brought memories of my ex. Fortunately, at the end of the night, I was so exhausted that I hardly had the time to indulge in ideations of love. Maybe this explains my own preferences to travel alone lately and writing a blog - to escape the clutches of being reminded of being single and to throw my own angst in a journal. Singlehood can be fun but after a while, it creates rigid boundaries and one begins to lose the sensation and cognate to love. This begins the slides to the chronic condition of isolated singlehood. I am glad my friends are all working hard to be in love ..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tokyo

2010-03-31T23:01:00.001+08:00

March 30, 2010

We arrived in Tokyo from Kyoto after spending about 2 hours on a bullet train which sped across, passing Mount Fiji in its full glory. At Tokyo Station, we were greeted by flocks of people who seem to be going somewhere. It is indeed a vast city with lots of people living within the confines of a densely packed city. It has an intricate subway system with lots of lines zigzagging cross and it looks thoroughly confusing. I initially thought Osaka has a complicated system but I think Tokyo beats it. I was told by a Singaporean friend who lives here that there are apparently inter-city differences – Osaka being considered more provincial, friendly, and warm and Tokyo is the trendsetter, stylish, cold. Of course, being from a foreign land, I could not detect the differences between. But there is indeed a difference in the pulse of the cities with Tokyo being on par with New York and Hong Kong. There is indeed a rhythm to the city and everyone is focused on getting to somewhere. Furthermore, the men here are very stylish with one wearing a purple fedora, orange vest, white shoes and brown bag. He skipped into the carriage of the train, and hopped over to an empty seat, whipped out his blackberry and was texting away. I am indeed impressed with the ease in which the guys put themselves together and packaged themselves. I can imagine now why my friends just love to be in Tokyo.

Shopping is indeed heavenly especially for me since the clothes fit me like a hand to a glove. I can wear their clothes effortlessly and even though my body is considered a bit “big” for a regular Japanese of my size. The selections are endless and everything seems to be unique to a store. So Barneys can state that these designs are new and special to their store and likewise with Takashimaya and Isetan. Half the time, I am wondering if this is indeed the truth. The choices are multiple and offer to the avant garde, earthy minimalist like myself, gothic, dapper, etc. I was surprised that Katherine Hamnett, Paul Smith and Vivienne Westwood – stronghold of British fashion would have such a strong presence. Sigh … so much to choose, have to spend in moderation and buy wisely.

My friend, Kin, lives here in Tokyo for more than a year. He is here on a scholarship to do his Phd and has been under an immersion course of language and culture for the past year. We were having after dinner drinks and he opened up to us on the intricacies of gay life in Japan. Foremost, Kin looks Japanese and so appearance wise, he fits in perfectly but when he speaks, the local will know he is an “alien.” Anyway, he considers himself to be widely accepted within his group of friends and have settled down comfortably. However, he is still adjusting to the gay life in Japan which is very different from the mores of Singapore.

Japan has usually been typified very much as an in-group society, not easily for a foreigner to be invited and accepted as part of one. So the academic literature has tend to portray Japanese as a collective society that shuns from individualistic tendencies – so they will not stand up to take credit, they tend to function more as a cohesive society, tend to think of group rather than individual. So when Kin told us that in gay life or being with friends in Japan, they will not be proactive in professing their emotions, you need to second guess or read their feelings, be subtle in expression and deflect responsibility or onus from the other but upon yourself. So if you like someone, you would say, “I miss you the other day” or “I have been very busy and not be able to call you” even though you may want to say, “I like you a lot."

Gay life revolves around social activities around a hobby, sports, interests or fetish. You meet folks through these activities and rarely through other means. They have group dating in which 3 dyadic groups would go out arranged by an organizer. There are no fixed rules and everyone can take the initiative to like each other. It is indeed fascinating and must be tough especially when one is prohibited from speaking out their object of desire. In our local setting, if this does happen, one will be accused of playing games, manipulation and toying another’s feelings and mind. I must wonder if the Japanese find us in other parts of Asia being too forthright and brazen. Maybe we should take a cue from them and learn the subtleties of expression?

Japan - Clean Intelligence

2010-03-30T22:04:00.000+08:00

28 – 29 March

Because this is my first time in Japan, I have a sense of awe and wonderment at things Japanese. My greatest delight is their aversion to pollution and contamination and how order, cleanliness and neatness are reflected within the social order. They queue for tickets, keep their own litter, masked their faces when ill, and bow to appreciate your patronage. My fascination was with the technology invested in the toilets.

Initially, I did not know why there is always a control pad next to every toilet bowl and I always had difficulties looking for the flusher. Since it is written in Japanese, I did not bother to study it until I started to play with the buttons in my hotel room. To my surprise, I find my behind being cleaned, sprayed upon, washed and tingled. I can assure you that the behind is not thoroughly cleaned and you still need to use the toilet roll. It would be wonderful to have such technology in Singapore since some of my friends do not use toilet roll to clean themselves.

Also, in every toilet, there is always grab bars along 1 urinal to assist the disabled and the old. And in one toilet that I visited, the sink sits on top of the cistern of the toilet bowl such that the water used to wash your hands can flow to the bowl, thereby cleaning it at the same time. It is a great way to wash your toilet. Lastly, in this cold weather, it is always annoying to sit on a seat that is freezing. And of course, this is not happening in Japan, where even the seats in the toilets are nicely warmed and toasty. We take for granted while in Japan but if you are transplanted to Europe or USA, you appreciate such subtleties. I find myself sitting in the toilet longer than I would like - enjoying the water, suffusing warmth and heat across my skin; and the pleasure from the softness of the bowl - while defecating and cleaning all at the same time.

I know my dear old dead dad would appreciate the pleasure at the bowl.

Kyoto (2)

2010-03-30T22:03:00.002+08:00

28 – 29 March 2010

It’s peak tourist season in Kyoto now. There are hordes of tourists in this area and all the sights. Many of them are Japanese but also foreigners such as ourselves, Americans, Russians, Chinese and Europeans. Like us, they have come here to visit the major sites and of course, the main attraction being the Sakura.

One of the sites that we did visit is the Nijo-Jo- castle. It was built in 1603 as the official Kyoto residence for the first Tokugawa shogun. It looks like a typical castle ground with high walls surrounded by a moat. There are 5 buildings with different chambers, one to hold books, another for arms, one for reception of guests, etc. The rooms look similar to me with gold plated walls with some calligraphy and art inscribed; typical Japanese design of wooden panels and tatami mats. There were a lot of small rooms for the shogun’s body guards and the floors are deliberately made squeaky to guard against treason and treachery. The highlight for me is the vast garden behind the castle. It contains an intricate mix of bonsai, cherry blossoms and other kinds of plants.

Another site that we did visit was the shrine that was plated with gold. It sits on a lake and the site had many little lakes across with shrines in it. I am not sure but I got the sense that this place was extremely popular with the many tourists that crowded this place. I was not particularly interested in it partly symbols of ostentatious do not thrill me.

My observation is that shrines and temples seem to have lost its religiosity as the level of tourism and commercialism pick up. They do not seem like sites of worship anymore but historical monuments to view and admire. There is an absence of reverence and worship. My thoughts went back to Long Shan Temple in Taipei where u can see intense worships, devotion and meditation taking place. I would like to believe that maybe in the distant past; these were indeed sites of intense religiosity and reverence. I was kind of disappointed (due to my own naivety and ignorance) that I was making somewhat a pilgrimage when obviously I was not. These sites have been hollowed out from natural disasters, wars, decay and technology and to expect more is simply my own nostalgic imagination of things that were.

Kyoto - Culture & Tradition

2010-03-28T22:00:00.002+08:00

27 March 2010

The day started relatively well and the blunder of the previous day was not repeated. We manage to maneuver the transport system effortlessly and instead of rushing to the next available train, we bided our time and observed. Arrived in Shin Osaka JR station and boarded the train to Kyoto easily. We arrived at Kyoto on time and managed to leave our luggage at our hotel. I realize the hotels in Japan do not allow you to check in earlier. You either have to check in at their appointed time or later.

Kyoto is the repository of Japan’s culture and history. It has 17 UNESCO World heritage sites with more than 1600 Buddhist temples and 400 over Shinto shrines. It has everything that your imagination has about Japan – Zen gardens, geishas, temples, etc. Of course, when we took the train in from Osaka, I was quite disappointed with the concrete and cement blocks that greeted me.

We met our friends (2 more joined us from Singapore) at Kyoto Main Station, had lunch that was made solely from soy products. While the meal was simply delicious, it was served in small portions and somehow left me unsatisfied.

Our first stop was the famed Kiyomizu – Dera. It was first built in 798 but reconstructed from 1633. It is one of the site that was designated as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It was highly crowded when we were there. It is perched on top of a hill and much of the main hall was supported by pillars that jut out over the hillside. The main deity is Kwannon (I think) but I was not sure. The premises of this temple are huge and spread out across a wide area. There was a mixture of Japanese beliefs and Buddhist customs. There was a small corner that if you walk blind folded between 2 rocks, you would find love. So if you walk from one rock to the other without touching the second one, love could be elusive. And then, there is this deity with black skin which represents prosperity and good business. My impression is that this indeed is a magnificent structure especially the entire construction of the building. However, like all sites with hordes of tourists, it has become quite commercialized with tea houses and rows of restaurants in its premises. The lane that leads to the temple was interesting with some interesting potters that make wonderful ceramics.

The second stop was Sanjusangen-Do. It was built in 1164 but was built in 1249 but a copy of it was rebuilt in 1266. The temple’s name refers to the 33 bays between pillars of this long, narrow building that houses 1001 statues of the 1000 armed Kannon. The largest Kannon is placed in the middle flanked by 500 smaller Kannons , neatly lined up in rows. There are also 28 guardian statues in a great variety of expressive poses. Around the temple is a wonderful Zen like garden with pebbles, huge bonsai plants and cherry blossoms. While there are many tourists that come to this temple, the Zen like garden bestows a sense of tranquility and quietude.

In the evening, we went to Gion. This area is famous for its entertainment and geisha district. It has modern architecture, congested traffic and contemporary nightlife entertainments spliced with historical sites. We went to this alley lined with 17th century restaurants and tea houses which are exclusive establishments of geishas. It is certainly haunting to walk around this alley in the middle of the night with its red lanterns dangling in front of each establishment. There are now restaurants and it has become also somewhat commercialized. Personally, I feel like I have been transplanted back to history with an eerie sense of oppressiveness, reminder of days past of female servitude and ancient tradition. There were cars streaming in bringing loads of middle aged men for something. I was not sure what …

Osaka – Nara: Lost in Location

2010-03-28T21:57:00.000+08:00

26 March 2010

Today, we were to visit the old Imperial capital of Nara where there are 8 World Heritage Sites under UNESCO. It takes about less than an hour by Japan Rail (JR) to get there. We left the hotel about 0830 hours and took the subway to Shin Osaka station to meet my other 2 friends. But we took some time to figure out which station we would disembark. The subway grid in Japan comes with Japanese and English, train station number and also the fare required to get there from your location. The grid is narrow and compact, hence, not easy to read. I had to literally stare at it to make sense the station. Fortunately, Shimabashi is centrally located and getting there is only a couple of stops. However, when we got there, we spent some time figuring the location of the JR station and within the station, we were figuring out where our friend is waiting for us. We did this in the midst of rush hour traffic which was quite maddening. Your senses are assaulted from left, right, in front, and behind. Found our friends, we found that we had to change our JR coupons to our JR Pass. We stood in one of the booths and when it is our turn, we were told it is on the other side, and when we queue where we thought we were supposed to be, we were told again it’s on the other side. So it was quite frustrating as we were shuffled from one to another. Finally, when we managed to get up to the counter, the man who served us took some time to process our passes with a long queue snaking behind us. So you can imagine our fatigue from waiting and waiting.

Then, we were told we to take a certain route to Nara and my other friends were told another way to get to Nara. So we were utterly confused. Not waiting to fuss, we followed the latter’s suggestion and instead of reaching Nara at 1000 as proposed, we finally got there about 1130 hours, just in time for lunch. This is after we missed stops, back track and changed train. Japan is indeed hard to get around for a first time visitor and there is a slight disorientation with language, system and how everything works.

Nara was the old capital of Japan in 710 but it lasted for only 75 years until the capital moved to Kyoto until 1868. During this period, it assimilated a lot of Chinese influences that laid the foundation for Japanese culture and civilization. Also, the adoption of Buddhism as national religion made a lasting impact on government, arts, literature, etc.

Nara is not a huge town, maybe about 370K peoples. It is built on a grid and makes walking relatively easier. The World Heritage sites are located at Nara-Koen which is located on the east side of the city. There is a main street where cyclists and pedestrians perambulate back and forth lined of shops on both sides selling moji, crafts, vegetables and fruits, tourist trinkets, restaurants and generic stores. It is a mixture of businesses for the locals and tourists. We had the best strawberries in one of the vegetable market – red, juicy, sweet and nicely packaged. The saccharine sweetness dissolves in the palate, leaving you hungry for more. With the cold weather, it was not long before we wanted lunch. My friends are foodies and are utterly opposed to anything “Western” (like pasta) in Japan; we had to settle on another ramen store further up down the road. A small quaint store ran by 3 matured women serving a shop full of locals. We had a meal of carbohydrate overdose of ramen and rice. Since morning, I was already by my usual plague of running nose and did not help when the man opposite our table started lit up. I noticed that Japan has not banned smoking in indoor sites. Anyway, the food was quickly and ravenously consumed.

One of the delights of being out of Osaka was the wonderful picturesque sight of the old styled houses that are perched on the hills and slopes. It has seemingly traditional architectural style with its inverted V shape roofs. There were a couple in Nara. As we moved towards Nara Koen, we were greeted by their ambassadors and there are more than 1200 inhabitants here. The deer are gentle, friendly, fearless to humans, and protected in this area. The belief is that these deer are considered messengers of gods in ancient times and has since been protected. There are even road signs warning drivers of crossing deer. They come close in search of food, nibbling your bags, sniff your clothes and will have no qualms coming close to “ask” for food. In Nara, we are not allowed to offer our food but you can buy a stack of deer food to feed them. And if you do, a horde of them will crowd around you wanting to be fed. I saw children, women, male Caucasians being overwhelmed with their attention.

Another interesting sight was some fit and tanned young guys in traditional Japanese garb, tights (could not seem to be able to contain their bulging calves) and interesting foot wear pulling women in a carriage except there is no horse. They pulled tourists around town, introducing sites of interests. They would stand around the temple peddling their service and naturally, they seem to settle on smallish women.

The main attraction in Nara is the Todaiji Temple where the largest wooden structure in the world is built. The temple stands between in between 2 gardens with a grand path that leads to 2 gates. It houses an image of the cosmic Buddha with 2 bodhisattvas flanked on its right and left. It is made of bronze and gold. Interestingly, the main body and head is of different color with the latter being more of a recent addition. It seems that in one of the large earthquakes, the head actually lobbed off and had to be rebuilt. The attraction is swarmed with locals and foreigners – delighted to be offered such a sight of imposing history, magnificence, craftsmanship and reverence. While the site is of religious significance, it does not seem like that anymore and has become more of a “must see” for all tourists visiting the Kansai area. Young and old, locals and foreigners, Buddhists and all other faiths, able and disabled have come here to see this magnificent structure. Unlike many temples I have visited in the East, there seems to be less pomp and elaborate decorations of rituals and traditions. Maybe, it’s Japanese with its aesthetic emphasis on complex simplicity and functionality. Surprisingly, as pointed out by one of us, the temple ground seems to be bereft of deer. They gather around the temple premises but not within. Magical? Animal instincts? Are they truly the messengers of gods knowing their place in the whole cosmology? It was an interesting observation.

I also had my first glimpse of Cherry Blossoms – the shy plant that only presents itself for 2 weeks in a year. The ubiquitous pink and white flowers dangling in its finest glory outside a small temple away from the main temple. It enchanted many who happened to walked pass. This tree happened to shape like an umbrella. There is certainly a lightness to its appearance and it reminded me of a jelly fish undulating but frozen in time and space. When the winds blow and the branches sway, you feel the gentle bristling and movement – whistling – seducing you under its cover. I can only imagine this since there were so many people snapping photographs and in admiration of its beauty.

The temperature dropped and the winds picked up as we proceeded to end our trip . The weather was not kind to us as it threw the sun and then, rain with wind at us. The drop in temperature made us highly weary and also, the lost in transportation on the morning also exhausted us to begin with. We left Nara around 1600 hours. Sleep caught up with us on our journey back.

We got off at the height of rush hour traffic at Umeda Station – the heart of Osaka’s business district. We had the most delicious ramen and so was Noodle Cheng E Kin with his girlfriend, some Hong Kong starlet. Surprisingly, the restaurant was quite closed to the gay area which we discovered was a dark alley off an intersection. The only visible sign of its gaiety was a shop selling Japanese pornography. A few steps down next to a motel were the infamous Osaka sauna. But it was surprisingly quiet. Strangely enough, a couple of blocks were a bustling alley – brightly lit with rows and rows of restaurants. As usual, gluttony set in and we found ourselves competing on who can complete more plates of sushi. We ended the day aptly again on food – sushi. I chomped down the raw fish and squid as if this was not my first time.

Osaka, Japan – Lost in Translation

2010-03-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

25 March 2010

Never take the red eye flight to Japan via SQ. The flight is relatively short (about 6 hours) and you leave Singapore about 0110 hours and arriving in Japan about 0800 hours. I think I slept for less than 4 hours. We arrived in Osaka – tired from sleep deprivation and confused. It did not help when the weather was mercilessly wet, dreary, cloudy and cold. Adjusting to the language was quite an impossible task, trying to make sense which train to board, where to buy the tickers, and at least for the first 10 minutes, we were wondering if we were proceeding towards the right direction. It was an adventure, nevertheless.

It is interesting to observe the Japanese on train to their destinations. Many are lost in reading, some playing with their cell, some deep in thoughts and few are just looking at everyone else. Almost all were in black. As the train sped across the Osaka countryside, it brought back memories of being in an English town or scene from Midsummer’s Night Murder – small hamlets of low lying buildings. The train, we took, were indeed not entirely right. It was a local (as opposed to an express) which made stops at almost every station. So by the train, we arrived in Osaka’s Nambar station, it was close to 0900 hours. As we lugged our bags from station to subway stop to the street level, maneuvering the constant flow of passengers and bystanders, climbing stairs and making sense of space to find ourselves slowed down by an incessant rain, chilly winds and slippery grounds. While we could find ourselves to the Shisimbashi station, we were not able to locate this heathen hotel. With no cover between the elements and ourselves, 3 of us with bags in toll walked the main roads, side streets and little lanes to search for this hotel – passing the gigantic Mac sign, passed LV and D&G, sparkled by Cartier and Tiffany and surged through Daimaru. Lost in location! We pedestrian up and down the Miyoshi Line and wheels of my old Samsonite thundering leaving booms of sounds as a residual of our presence. Finally, we called, got the directions and finally reached our hotel passing the Commes de Garcon shop.

Drenched, uncomfortable and hungry, we were told that we were not allowed to check in because this only happened at 1400 hours. At this point, I think we were just glad that we found the hotel, able to escape the rain and leave our luggage behind. So unable to change and still in my sweats, we went out to meet my other friends who were already in town. As I was making sense of the area, I realize that the Japanese men like Hong Kong are dressed very fashionably – in their skinny jeans, tailored suits, overcoats, jackets, and matching bags. They moved around secured with their gender identity and sexuality very unlike Singapore. Somewhat self-conscious, tired with flight air around me, we ventured around town. It was a very discomforting situation.

As uncomfortable as I was, we spent much of our time eating. We had delicious grilled eel with rice for lunch, interspersed with coffee and cakes for tea, ramen for dinner and freshness “spam” hamburger for supper. I chunked my usual dietary control and just consumed. I reasoned that I have been working out continuously for the last couple of months and deserve this kind break. I just pray my body can recover from a couple of days of continuous and relentless intake.

The Burden of Biogaphy (2)

2010-03-23T19:38:00.000+08:00

In my previous entry, i wrote about how one's history and behaviours can create karmic consequences for oneself. I like to shift perspectives and talk about how it can create unnecessarily difficulties when one is embedded in a relationship. This is when (mis)deeds of past bear fruition.

One cannot escape from one's past actions and the memories usually throw a crushing blow at one. However, for someone new to your life, it is easy to slip between the cracks and conveniently erase one's deeds.

There are coupled friends of mine when one party will make an active and conscious effort to erase their past activities and exploits. In their partners' eyes, they are as plain as vanilla, bland as white bread and pure as
any virgin. Does this constitute deception? Isn't the trust, love and honesty the basis of a relationship? And how does the erasure of past help to move one into the future?

Choon, like many virile young guys, love sex. With his buffed lean body, he hung out with friends who share his passion for fun and good times! Much of his 20s and 30s are spent in bars and sports where pleasure and danger mix. His adventures stretch from vanilla to group. Immersion of fun would seem like a rite of passage in an average person's life cycle. There is nothing extraordinary or remarkable, just a horny young bastard learning how to have fun ;)

Then, comes Seng. Younger than Choon by almost a decade. Naive innocence, young, good looking, buffed and as vanilla as they can be. He has never been to saunas, or massages, and the notion of a good time is to spend a weekend at a karoake, coffee joint or a chalet. He disdains saunas, and seems to dislike all that represents Choon. His only vice seems to be serial monogamy. So when they meet in the gym, you would think worlds would collide but they instead found love.

When you find the right one, many of us make compromises. We begin to find the time to meet, adjust our schedule, take down profiles on the Internet, and begin to find less time with friends. This is typical and necessary if one begins to embark on a journey with someone. However, some knowing the other, will prefer to wipe the past to avoid a bupper free ride. This, in itself, is not wrong. We all have our burdens of history and past has happened. More importantly to look forward with a moral and ethical stance.

However, it becomes iffy when behaviour are compromised and one begins to start avoiding friends. Domesticity set in for Choon, his party friends were slowly dropped from his list and become better friends who are coupled and older. He stopped talking about the saunas, massage parlours and clubs. This is not unexpected since he is now attached. However to shun conversations as his presence in these premises was absent is a bit excessive. I guess by not talking about it, Seng's image of Choon remains pristine. There is no unnecessary explanations or arguments. Life is less complicated. However, should we trusts each other more? Have a little faith on your partner to love you despite all that had happened? And to appreciate ourselves - formed by the mistakes made, pain suffered, joys celebrated, life led, and all the past love. A celebration and love of ourselves are crucial to all who embark on this exciting and perilous ride.

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Men holding hands

2010-03-23T07:36:00.000+08:00

Are Chinese men letting loose and begin to show more public display of affections to each other? I was just walking up the slope to Mount E and lo and behold, 2 middle aged men strolling down with arms wrapped around each other. Both seem to have woken up early to
do their walking exercise!

And just last Saturday, on a bus, I was sitting in front of 2 guys affectionately holding each other's arms on ther way to botanical gardens. One weary and tired resting his head on the shoulder of the bigger built guy. The latter's right hand clasped on the fotmer's thigh; not aware or care whoever was looking. As I was sitting in front of them, I see a catholic sister stealing glances at their transgression.

Are Chinese men taking a cue from their foreign Indian nationals? This would indeed be liberating!
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The Burden of Biography

2010-03-21T18:50:00.010+08:00

Being invited to someone's life is a privilege and honour, to have someone share their stories and biography, pain, joys, and activities is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. However, when invitations are issued, be grateful and thankful that the person has enough trust in you.

n my younger days, I did a lot of volunteer work working with kids on welfare, Hmong refugees, the blind and HIV survivors. I remembered that my first HIV client was Dennis and this was around 1988. I was asked to "babysit" him when his partner had to take a couple of hours off from caregiving. When I first met Dennis, I remembered distinctly that he was completely bedridden, thin, and sleeping. The virus had "entered" his brain and part of it swelled into a size of a baseball. I spend the afternoon just keeping him company, wiping his saliva and holding his hand as he slept.

Fast forward a decade. As part of my qualification for my degree, I had to interview single mothers on welfare. The stores were replete of abuse, violence, abandonment, even incest but despite all the challenges and oppression thrown at these women because of their gender, race and class, they manage to survive and get through with life with wounds and scars. However, as the "collector" of such stories (each interview lasted for about 4 hours), each narrative left me drained, tired and paralyzed. Often, feeling impotent against the social forces pressing on these women, I retreated to the temple in Chinatown and prayed - seeking explanations. There were times when it was so overwhelming that I just cried traveling back from the New Jersey PATH trains to New York. After my dissertation, I packed up my bags and moved back to Singapore.

We all have burdens with our biography!It can be a crushing weight on our back and if we do not know how to lighten the load, it can create resentment, bitterness and anger within. Dennis and the women I interviewed all had their fair share of life's challenges which they shared with me. There are few in our midst who are relieved of such burden but many of us carry with it throughout our lives. But when you share the burden with someone else, momentarily, you may feel the load lightened but the burden is upon the other. As a professional, we have been schooled to keep our defenses up when one shares their lives with you. You surround yourself with an armour to deflect the psychic pain but the armour is not foolproof and occasionally fails to work.

Enter KC. I have known him for a couple of months and while we never conversed much, I was kinda of attracted to him from a distance. He is always so polite, good conversationalist, cordial and some may even say he is shy. We kind of got to know each other better when a mutual friend kind of encouraged us to get acquainted. We tried to meet a couple of times but when he canceled our last meeting, I kinda of gave up on him. And then, this mutual friend encouraged me to text him again since it seems he was asking about my well being. I did and we finally met, thinking that he would cancel on me again.

We connected even though there were moments of tense conversations and I promised KC that I would not blog about the content of our conversation or about him. Needless to say, the burden of his biography pressed heavily on me and I felt privileged but at the same time, i was also very worried about some of this thought patterns and actions. For many, after listening to his stories, one would do a U turn and run. But somehow, I felt closer reminding myself that I am standing on the axes of attraction - aversion continuum but also fully aware that he is not ready to be with anyone at this point of his life. Personally,I have never worried about psychological issues of my partners, maybe partly being in the profession myself. My dilemma however becomes - how does one unconditionally help him without expecting any in return. Is this possible? I woke up the next day with a heavy heart and the full impact of our dinner conversation hitting me the day after. I begin to worry for him and myself...

Hare versus Tortoise (2)

2010-03-17T19:24:00.001+08:00

It looks like a week after my entry, the hare has sprint to the finish line and the relationship has come to it's finality. The fast pace and quick steps of the hare were obviously not matched by the other, and the latter's hesitation and tenativeness were noticed. Two weeks of sleeplessness and restlessness were a result and after an open honest discussion, the decision to end was sounded. Are quick acts symptomatic of such relationships? When in conversation with guys about love, many have ventured into these rather short stints and can they be staging lessons for the one true love, or is it a reflection of the instant gratification reflective of our current society? I also wonder if the fast burning of the wick can also be attributed to the fast sex that many indulge.
The partner of the hare was certainly unhappy with the dissolution but he sees it as necessary pain. Guilt, relief, unhappiness surfaces. Hare moved fast but his movement was encouraged by partner when the message of "go slow" was not heeded. Blinded by his good looks, the hare was also promised the commitment of love. Hence, the seemingly betrayal and pain of the hare is acutely felt.
This again is not atypical but rather common in the community. It will happen again and again as the lust and desire will blind the cool reasoning and deductive abilities. The challenge is how not to allow the lust to control us.
Meanwhile, the hare has hopped onto another guy.

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Sex in the Life Cycle of Love

2010-03-16T21:46:00.007+08:00

It appears that in a typical life cycle of any relationship, the sex usually fizzles at some point. Many are like the hare which dashes very fast and towards the end, nothing much happens. It can be over in a year, 3 or even 5 years. Few, and indeed these are exceptions, can take sex throughout the life cycle of love.

Thor and his boyfriend are in their 3rd year of relationship. He shared with me that while he is in a relationship, there is indeed no sex between them. The physical attraction seemed to have fizzled out sometime and while he laments the loss, he rationalized the lack of sex as "low sex drive," "not physically attracted to each other," "we are happy where we are," and etc. I guess I do not dispute that they are indeed happy where they are but to have come up with a series of justifications on why they are not having sex can indeed be quite telling.

When sex fizzles out in gay couples, it can be attributed to the loss of the new, novel and fresh. As evolutionary biologist will tell us, as men, we will plant our seeds into as many as possible, ensuring the propagation of our genes. So to them, we are hardwired to have sex with many and the different. When sex fizzles out in hetero relationships, it is usually because they are burdened with children and work. They become too tired, grow unattractive and just become disinterested. If this is the sex life of any typical life course of love, maybe we should not resist the temptation of the different and declared all our relationships "open" at some point.

The dictum is that when you are in love with each other, intimacy and sex should intensify and catalyse the love, enabling one to fall deeper and deeper in each other's arms. But what happens if you have fallen and have already hit the ditch. No matter how much cuddling, hugging, kissing and fucking, you are not going to fall any deeper figuratively. Many in the gay community are quick to realize that they have hit the ditch and begin to find new holes to fall into. However, the question is how many holes are you going to find and at what stage of a relationship do you want to start searching for new holes. Is it naive to assume that there is still monogamy and is it still monogamy when there is no sex. In the case of Thor, he had not had sex with his bf for sometime, they hang out with each other, seemingly very contend with life as such. Is it sufficient?

This is a quandary that many couples find themselves ask at one stage of their relationship. Some are happy to be like Thor to acknowledge that their love is sexless and move on. Many declare their relationships open and hence, fuck around behind, in front and/with others. Few continue to have a healthy sex life despite the maturation of their relationship. There is no one right response and in many ways, it depends how both parties decide to look at their relationships. The road that Thor has taken will eventually slide into an open relationship, as he acknowledges. There is some sense of inevitability behind his thoughtful words. And indeed to slide to an open relationship speaks volumes the stage of the relationship. Certainly, it can be seen as a loss. While seemingly difficult, this slide should be discussed and negotiated to an understanding. If not, the lurking behind and deception to cover up tricks, ONS and sex buddies will crack the love like a proverbial egg. Also, to sleep with other guys can increase the chances of a new love coming into one's life.

Many have said that sex is over-rated and we should not paid much attention to it. These are usually made by intellectuals and those at the sidelines not getting it. Sex is sensationally fantastic, arousing to the senses, and heightens ones level to give and receive. It binds two or more people together in a dance and to feel connected someone physically, sensually and even cognitively. However, the cautionary note is be like the tortoise and take things slow. I regret that I have not learned the lesson of sex in my last relationship and moving onto the next, it is going to be a mistake not to be repeated.

At Taipei - Chiang Kai Shek Monument

2010-03-11T21:07:00.002+08:00

1630

This monument is flanked by the national theatre and concert hall. It has a beautiful landscape with bonsai looking plants but what I do not understand is this dedication to a Generalissimo, who is also a dictator. I heard there are certain factions that ask for the removal of the monument and to be replaced by something else. Oh, well .. I will never understand how a nation constitutes its own nationhood with statures, anthems, boundaries, etc.

But anyway, I like the place because of it is a space of quiet mediation with a certain tranquility punctuated by explosive shouts of tour guides spouting Japanese and Mandarin, gathering tourists like herds. But what mesmerized me were the children with their deep innocence, running, playing, laughing, screaming and just having a wild time. Some were after the pidgeons and sparrows; some just fascinated and intrigued by something while some were just shouting and making lots of noise.

Monuments evoked within a sense of solemn-ness. I sat under the shadows of a nicely sculptured tree, observing soaking in the surroundings and thinking ....

At Taipei - Long Shan Temple

2010-03-11T20:09:00.005+08:00

1500 hours

The temple dates back to 1743. Legend has it that someone has left an amulet of Kuan Yin hangining on a tree on the site of the present temple, and the amulet shone so brightly, even in the dark, that all who walked by know it is blessed. 3 centuries later and much development where the stones lined the courtyard are from ships that ferried migrants from Fujian Province across the Taiwan Strait.

The main deity is Kuan Yin flanked by Mansjuri and Samanthbhara on their respective lion and elephant. It is not a strictly Buddhist temple but multidimensional with many other gods such as Guan Yu, Matsu, "Yuen Low" and others. Small crowd of worshippers standing in line for blessings from a Kuan Yin stand with joss sticks, incense and flowers with the ever abundance of water flowing. Many people praying, whispering, pleading and bargaining for health, wealth, love, success in a random unpredictable world for themseles and loved ones.

Some in silent meditation, chanting and deep in thoughts. Slightly more than a year ago in Bhutan, I witnessed the same scene of many older folks in silent meditation, in communal with their spirit and chanting. Are they here because they have the time and/ or the awareness of their mortality and/or as the elders of the family, they need to pray or they are just religious and spiritual? I have always imagined that in the not too distant future, I see myself in them, in some remote temple, with my mala, trying to cleanse my karma as the cycle of life comes full circle for me.

Whenever I walk into any site of faith and deep devotion, there is a welling of tears within, a sudden uplifting of my spirits and a rejuvenation of my heart. It happened here, in Notre Dame, ST Patrick's, Chi Lin Temple and etc. A deep sense of longing for the beyond and a reminder that I have been re-missed in my own practice.

Outside the temple:

As in many temples and holy sites, there are devotees but also of the poor, forgotten and unwell. Holy sites attract the blessed but also the lost. Buddhists believe that holy sites attract the lost karmic souls who drift towards them for blessings.

Mangka park is sited opposite the temple. Personally, I felt like I have stumbled upon a geriatric drop in center with the old poor and sick men (few women). Many of them sat on long cement benches - wheezing, coughing, sleeping, chatting - I found my thoughts myself drifting back to the park in Banda street in Chinatown. Some were trying to make ends meet by selling their personal ware on the streets. I felt like I have ventured into a space as a tourist that I should not have been there - the poverty, the sick, the disabled. Strangely, I did not know what brought me to this space - my own fascination with the other, I ask myself daily what am I doing to make it better .. Bearing witness to the pain but seemingly powerless to make a difference .. Own inertia? Fear?

The Language of Miracles

2010-03-02T21:11:00.007+08:00

Last week, I accompanied a VIP to a Catholic run nursing home. We were hosted by the Sisters who brought this VIP around, explaining their services, the care provision, and introducing the residents - sick, not so sick, some young and majority old. This nursing home is tucked away in the western region of Singapore. It is full of greenery and quiet so when one enters, one is transported to an area of serenity - close to heaven :)

At the end of the walk, we sat and had tea. When this VIP visits any nursing home, the talk of funds and the lack of it is often brought up. However, for this home, the conversation veered towards the care of the residents, the work of the foreign staff and surprisingly, the miracles around us.

Miracles - this is a word that I have not heard for sometime. Sister mentioned that one time, she has forgotten to buy eggs for the residents and was wondering how she was going to feed her residents of more than 100. The next day, by the gate, were stacks of eggs delivered. In another incident, she mentioned that there was a need for a machine that will help to assess the amount of urine in a resident's bladder and it costs about $17K. Her staff were skeptical if they were able to afford the machine and if they bought it, it will surely drain the funds for patients. A week later, a man walked in and asked the Sisters if they needed any help. One of the Sisters jokingly mentioned that they would like to have this machine and with no hesitation, a $20K check was made. The man then just walked out. The wonderful part of it is that many people would just walk to his remote corner of Singapore, dropped checks of hundreds and thousands without asking for any tax exemption. Sister says these are all miracles and she is very grateful for the blessings from the Lord.

For me, these are refreshing stories and it does not matter if you believe if these are miracles, because for these Sisters, they are indeed miracles. As I listened to the stories, I felt inspired and ashamed at the same time. Inspired by the relentless and altruistic commitments of the nuns and ashamed that i have forgetten the ritual of practice that sustained my spirituality. For the latter, it is highly personal and private - a conversation I have with my " higher being" that helps to explain and clarify the mysteries of life that baffles us human. To believe the language of miracles, one has to set aside the cynicism that plagues us. Our reasoning and logic suspended to make room for faith. It was not difficult to suspend my beliefs when sister was narrating the miracles with her deep and utmost sincerity and of course, her unquestionable faith in God.

I think as we move across our mortal life, we sometimes forget the power and beings around us as we cocooned ourselves in a bubble of rationality and science. We forget about some of the questions that religious teachers, philosophers and existentialists are trying to answer for us. Of course, when tragedy, catastrophe and sickness befalls us, our community and/or nation, the language of miracles will then bloom. In fact, is it too late to only look for Allah, Buddha, God or Yahweh only at such times? We want to believe they are forgiving of our absence but what if they are not?

Personally, believing beyond what our six senses and in higher beings provides and guides my ethical and moral selves. It reminds me the need to think through my motivations, behaviors and cognitions, and not act in a carefree irresponsible manner. It helps me to explain the beyond and makes sense of tragedy when it does happen. And it seems that every year, we are visited by it - Haiti, Chili, China, Indonesia, etc .. probably easier for us to distance and deny .. As important, it reminds me to grateful for what I have, thankful for those around me and to reach out to those around me.

Positioning

2010-02-28T20:43:00.008+08:00

I guess when I decided to post controversial topics on the blog such as bare backing or gay sexual positions, I will elicit comments on the guys that I have written. So in particular, Daniel has severely reprimanded on the unethical, irresponsible and dangerous practice of sex, endangering and committing violence and perpetuating the stereotypical imagery of the gay man. And when I talk about the hedonism and pursuit of pleasure by many, I was chided for continuing the subject of body and sex. In my last blog, my friends confided in me the silliness of John and pointed out that many do practice courtship but not in the version as practiced by heterosexuals.

When I write about the observations in my blog, I guess my aim is not to frame these guys up for dissection and condemnation. While some of their actions are deplorable, I would prefer us to move away from easy conversations of "blaming the victim" and making judgements of others and understand how we are all complicit in one way or another to each other if we remember the law of interdependence. Yes, BE's actions are deplorable and it is easy to condemn, judge and malign him but in the end, does it ever work? We know from science and common sense that when we encourage someone not to do an action that he likes, he will deliberately continue to perform it. We see it in kids, adult and even the elderly. We also indulge in such behaviours. This is the law of reactance. Behaviours get ossified as we age and hence, it gets more difficult to change. We prefer the constancy of life where behaviours are predictable and events can be scheduled in a slow drag across time. In order to effect behavioural change, positive reinforcements and supportive encouragement in a comfortable and safe environment is essential. For BE to change his behaviours, it will have to be slow and gradual. I guess the most important part of it is to get him tested and determine his seroposivity. Strangely enough, another guy, SS also shared with me his HIV status upon our first meeting after performing some high risk behaviours. If I had judged or passed rude comments, I believe BE and SS would have retreated and continued their merry old and dangerous ways. In denial and depression.

Someone once asked me if offering seemingly "unconditional" assistance is my way of trying to get these folks in bed or to have them fall in love with me. This was a comment from a genuine straight friend who was concerned that I may be clouded by my own attraction to these guys. To state that I am not would be a complete lie since i do find these guys attractive. But situating myself in this discourse does not mean I will translate my desires into action since on some level, I know I need to be clear on my objectives of helping (It helps to have volunteered for many years). I know in my heart of heart that these folks are not "good" for me for various reasons - their lifestyle, background, and temperament. But as a friend, it requires a different set of expectations. Being too intimate and having knowledge about their history has cast a different view of them to me. When I do write about guys, i like to state explicitly the axis of attraction-aversion that I myself is situated and to pretend otherwise is such a dishonest lie. Life presents many challenges and I guess the lesson is how do I begin to write about my observations in relation to myself and asked ourselves if we want to be a bystander or to take action to make a difference to people around you, despite your reservations and judgements. Borrowing from anthropological deconstructions of ethnography and activist research on writing .. for those academic eggheads!

Hare versus the Tortoise

2010-02-27T22:37:00.005+08:00

In a typical trajectory of any relationship, one proceeds from meeting, courtship, trial commitment and commitment (marriage). This can stretch from days to months and for a heterosexual relationship, this can even be years. However, for partnerships of a different nature, it usually stretches for months but it can also easily elapsed across a week or even a day. We can wonder how 2 people can form a commitment within a short period over such intense bonding. The physical attraction and magnetism of two must have been so strong that it transfixed and beguiled each other. I have always wondered if intense attraction can fizzle a relationship much faster?

James met John and within a day, John has asked James to "go steady" and be together. Within the next 3 months, SB has been showered with sweet kisses, texts proclaiming one's tender and heartfelt desires and the desire for constant physical presence. Ordinarily, these would put many in 7th heaven, seemingly scripted from a romance novel and prototyped from a Meg Ryan show. The courage to declare one's love is commendable but to declare it excessively and repeatedly may betray one's doubts of his own commitment to the relationship. The physical attraction of both has cemented their relationship but cracks appear to show when each party begins to adjust and accommodate to each other's temperament, actions and thinking. SB likes courtship, dates, space and a slow simmering of love. Meanwhile, John is a fast worker who likes to settle down quickly, be committed, coupled, be present with each other constantly and to share a household together. What happens when the heat has cooled and we begin to get acquainted? Can we backtrack and withdraw the commitment or do we adjust expectations? Is this a common outcome when one is driven by the intense physical longing and not moderated by the slow simmering and stoking of heat and passion?

Strictly speaking, such differences are usually dealt with when guys are going through a courtship. We work through and live with each other's differences, moderate our expectations and fit in new perspectives. Courtship allows us to discover our physical needs, our G spots, highs and lows but also what we like and dislike about each other. However, not many guys do go through courtships now. Many jump to the bandwagon and ride of to the sunset and then, realizing that they have jumped on the wrong one. Many declaring that they are in relationships for 4 months, a year and etc. If one begins on the wrong footing, does it mean that the relationship will just fizzle quickly?

James and John are trying to work out their differences even though the former carries with lots of skepticism if this will indeed last. John's history of relationships has not been iron clad since all have lasted for a year or so only. This short duration of his relationships may be confounded with his good looks and fit bod since he may have the knowledge that he always has other suitors and if one does not last, he can simply move on to the next one. With a relationship fraught with such complexities, one wonders how this can indeed last ...

Vamping BB

2010-02-21T15:13:00.014+08:00

Greater vistas and more sights have opened up for me as I spend more time in singlehood. In December, I wrote about the different categorization of gay folks in the internet world which is probably also quite representative of the community in general. Recently, I met some folks who may be considered a minority within the community itself - the world of bare backers, Incidentally, they are also users of recreational drugs.

To dismiss them as irresponsible, dangerous and suicidal is a very simplistic depiction of the complexities of the peoples that populate this world. To comment that their use of recreational drugs is foolhardy, illegal and crazy is to flatten them as uni-dimensional hedonistic creatures whose only pursuit is insatiable demand for fun and pleasure. The reasons why some people choose to do something that we know may bring us fatality is anybody's guess. It is simpler for us to distance ourselves from them and cast them as different, deviant and undecipherable. This topic is such a taboo subject that you can only hear as whispers in the margins of the community.

BE was sharing with me that there is a community that simply indulges in bare backing and there are group parties that rubber is prohibited. These guys can only enjoy sex when it is considered as unsafe by many of us. Often, these parties are catalyzed by the presence of recreational drugs which helps to sustain their sex acts longer and supposedly, provide a level of clarity and sensuality unimaginable by normal senses. I guess its liken to the ambrosia from the gods. BE knows that this is highly dangerous and in a language of learned helplessness, he says he has been hooked on it since his first ex. He sounded as if a vampire has fanged him and hence, unable to release himself from the grip of bare backing and drugs. The discourse and sense making is not that different from someone who smokes, knows the reasons for not smoking but unable to act against it. However, prolonged exposure to second hand smoke may cause cancer but not with HIV. It just takes one shot. This is not to belittle the actions of these guys but do want to highlight the addictive nature of pleasure and how it can affect sense making.

Upon closer discussion, one also finds an alarming discourse of flirting with danger and death. BE knows that his unsafe actions are sometimes a result of his on and off suicidal ideations. He seems to be be under the spectre of death and sense of poor self-worth. Strangely, for someone who keeps in shape, articulate, smart and intelligent, and has no qualms about dancing on stage with his clothes off, this somehow presents a conflicting image of himself. It is always easy to psychologize and pathologise his actions but as we all know, behaviours are not simply a result of individual choice but a confluence of social, economic and familial factors.

When BE told me about his inclinations, I was not taken aback because(i) nothing surprises me and (ii) for the longest time, I have known about this "underground" group of guys who indulges in these activities. I was more concerned with his HIV status or rather his lack of knowledge of his seropositivity affects other potential partners. Throughout our conversation, I was trying to convince him to get tested and then, to act appropriately. But to no avail because BE was afraid of being tested, does not want to know his HIV status and he knows the opprobrium attached to his behaviours. He mentioned that he wants his partners to bare back with him and that they should know that there is a consequence to bare backing. Sadly, BE under-estimates how desire and (drugs) can easily push someone to ignore reason and danger to commit to the most risky of behaviours. It is may not be easy for those potentials who may be weak and foolhardy since BE is attractive and articulate. On the other hand, BE also spoke in a remorseful, helpless and sad manner alternating with a confident, articulate and intelligent manner.

I was highly ambivalent about our conversation - on one hand, I was angry at his apparent lack of responsibility to others and himself; the violence committed to his life and the flirting with danger but on the other hand, the sadness within, the surges of negative thoughts and the seemingly despair that emerges from our conversation. In the past, in my most simplistic view, I used to be amazed at those guys who spend their time dancing on the stage seemingly comfortable and confident with their bodies - bare chested, gyrating to music and swinging their hips in the most suggestive way. But after this conversation, I have come to understand that the performance and the pursuit of hedonism may simply be a mask of the conflicts and torments within. Raging in confusion. Occasionally in pain and dulling with sex and drugs.

Inspiration

2010-02-17T21:36:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, i have the privilege to speak with a very inspiring woman who in all her life, led by example to do good work for society. Mrs W is in her 70s and I nominated her for a National Day Award in recognition of her contributions to two nursing homes.

Mrs W comes with an illustrious history of volunteering and active citizenry participation especially in her work with the poor and elderly. Her work started when she was in her 20s where she was part of the founding member of the Lions Club. Then in the 1950s, she was part of a team within Lions to administer help to the poor who are homeless. Her years of working with the homeless coalesced the idea that indeed some residential services should be set up to provide housing for the poor and destitute. Hence, under the auspices of the L Club, the L Home for Senior Citizens was formed. Mrs W was part of the pioneer team to set up L Home, laying the foundation for one of our “best” nursing homes in Singapore.

Guided by her spiritual beliefs, she decided to channel her energies within her religious denomination to help Methodist Home for the Aged (MHA) transform from an old age home to a nursing home. Her experience in Lions was crucial when B Nursing Home was set up.

Unlike the other nursing homes in Singapore, B presented another model of care – one led by social work principles. In the formation of her senior team to oversee Bethany, she deliberately chose members that have no experiences in running of nursing home. Her vision was to start “afresh” and allow an emergent model to surface - a model based on Christian beliefs and values to help the poor, frail and elderly with social and financial complexities. Unlike the other nursing homes in Singapore which is very nurse-led, Bethany provides the “best” care when it comes to residents with psycho-social and familial issues. Mrs W’s vision of care in a nursing home does not simply address the nursing and functional needs but also addresses the psychological dynamics within a resident’s family especially on grief, loss and end of life issues. This vision is grounded on her management style of leading by example and understanding the issues of her residents. She laments that the Board members of many VWOs are not walking the ground and often, making decisions without knowing the needs of their clients. This sometimes misinforms practice and care of residents.

It is an understatement to state that Mrs W is very dedicated to the welfare and well-being of residents and staff. Caring and compassionate, she initiated a Crisis Fund to provide interest free loans and outright financial assistance to foreign staff. She generously contributes her time and personal funds to the needs of the residents, marshaling support and aid from her web of connections - family members, congregation, and friends. Her family also makes contributions to society – husband in L Home, son in Tan Tock Seng Hospital’s Medifund Committee, and her daughter who lives in Seattle works through Microsoft’s charitable arm.

Having built such a rich legacy of contributions, Mrs W has not abated her activities but expanded beyond Singapore to give to the children of our neighbours by building schools. She travels as much as she could to Cambodia to work with the locals to build schools for the children. It looks like her work has come full circle – as a young woman working with the old and in her own silver years, she is working with the young. She continues to serve as a “senior spokesperson and advisor” for many of Methodist Welfare Services’ services. Her quiet and firm manner has earned the respect of many of her peers and to date, she continues to actively serve.

When we broached the subject of nomination to Mrs W, she mentioned that she wants her work to remain anonymous and would like to shun the limelight. Accolades are unimportant to her. It took some time to convince her that the award, if given, is not simply about her contributions, but a testament to her legacy and the love she has brought to those whom has served. Hopefully, with recognition, she will be able to garner more help to continue her life’s works. The services that she has helped to set up have benefited many and will continue to benefit even more with the strong foundation and legacy she has left behind.

Glee

2010-02-13T14:11:00.004+08:00

Glee is my new favourite show now. It is an American musical comedy-drama television series that airs on Fox in the United States. It focuses on a high school show choir (also known as a glee club), called "New Directions!", set within the fictional William McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio. The club comprises of misfits and "deviants" within the school and pits them against the cheerios (popular cheer leading squad). It appears that the customary practice in school for one to be recognized as a misfit is to have a cup of Kool Aid splashed on one's face. The members of Glee consists of a Jewish princess (who is a daughter of 2 gay fathers), an Asian American girl who stutters, a gay fem boy, a disabled boy in wheelchair, a black fat girl, and the remaining are the jocks and cheerleaders who "fall from grace" after being a member of Glee.

While the formula of this show is no different from any American high school themes of in versus out groups, popular versus the deviants and the jocks versus the nerds. I guess what I do like about it is that it deals with contemporary issues of disability, sexuality, teenage pregnancy, and love through music and dance. I am in my 9th episode and every episode resonates with me and especially with the music uplifts my spirit and the the dance steps enthralled me to the box. It preaches stories of family, sticking together, sacrifices, responsibility and friendship.

I think I am going to spend much of my time watching tv, reading and doing work this weekend. A friend just cancelled dinner because he had to help his dad with his chores. Unfortunately, I had to cancel dinner with my family to accommodate dinner with him. Oh, well .. it is like a domino effect .. ordinarily, i would be furious but do understand that under such circumstances, family has to come first. He texted while I was being "gleed." I was kind of looking forward to a quiet dinner and nice conversations but I guess I will do some work tonight. I think it did not help that I am quite tired from working out too hard this morning in the gym, now completely poofed.

Going back to Glee now ..

Morning Traffic (3)

2010-02-11T07:19:00.001+08:00

It's 0613 hours on the East-West line to town. Eversince my office moved to town, I have benefitted from the gyms around that area. One delight is the pool. Swimming at least twice a week.

The train is still relatively quiet. We are beginning to see the early signs of rush hour traffic at this time. Despite the time, it's still standing room only - populated by nurses, students, blue collar workers, and military chaps. Many trying to capture some sleep time, some reading papers, many lost in a daze starry eyes drowning in thoughts. The tired faces are not unlike those passengers on the bus. They are simply tired from the routine, regimes and the compulsion of life to earn the monies to sustain themselves and family.

This scenes are repeated everyday on the bus and train. It double takes on the evening, the same images being recycled. When does it all end or does it?

As much as the images reveal, it is also telling who are not present on the train.
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Always be my baby

2010-02-10T21:57:00.006+08:00

Just finished my haircut and it was pretty late. It is end of the workday and I am very exhausted from consecutive meetings with hardly any breaks in-between. My usual habit of reading on the bus had to be discarded because I can hardly concentrate. Decide to pop in my i pod and listen to some music which always soothes my tired body.

As I was about to disembark the bus, David Cook's rendition of Mariah Carey's "Always be my baby" came on and I was unexpectedly caught by a tsunami of emotions, memories and sensations. The heart aches, the eyes swell, and the mind rattles. Music like certain smells invoke memories within me, reminding me of my childhood, my adolescence, my time in the army, my heart aches and deaths in family and friends. I guess with Cook's rendition, the song invoked memories of D, the absence of love, and the weariness of life. Does that mean I am in grief? depressed?

Mark Doty, in his book "Heaven Coast" writes:

"Being in grief, it turns out, is not unlike being in love. In both states, the imagination's entirely occupied with one person. The beloved dwells at the heart of the world, and becomes a Rome: the roads of feeling all lead to him, proceed from him. Everything that touches us seems to relate back to that center; there is no emotional life, no place outside the universe of feeling centered on its pivotal figure .. And in grief, as in love, we're porous, permeable. There is something contagious about this openness. Other people sense it and respond to us differently, since our unguardedness seems to invite them in."

Slightly more than a year has elasped since we have moved our separate ways. I have friends who keep telling me that I should move on but having spent so many years of living and being together, can one have a separation as clean as one can hope for. Can one "unlove" someone whom you once held such intense feelings and affections? Personally, I don't think one can ever untangle the love one has once held for another and hence, for me, the lyrics of song resonates deeply within.

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no"

Of course, I am in no denial that I believe I will get back together nor do I have the desire. But music does tap into one's heart strings, drumming the visceral and emotional reactions, not unlike when one starts to fall in love also - the palpitation of the heart, sudden vertigo, sense of anxiety and restlessness that overtakes one's body. It is a thoroughly unpleasant experience and hence, many either search to confirm them by centering on that particular pivotal figure, or they avoid these experiences completely by keeping themselves busy or explain them away with references to sex.

No one likes to be out of control whether it is love, grief or like looking for a job. I guess the trick we need to master is not whether we should avoid these states but how to experience them without being overwhelmed, creating a sense of control and boundaries. I am not sure how .. but hoping someone can teach me.

Helping out ...

2010-02-09T21:32:00.002+08:00

A couple of entries ago, I mentioned in my life list that I wanted to do more to make someone smile and feel good about themselves. I am glad to be able to help E today with his interview. I don't really know E very well but he is a friend of a friend. He was interviewing for a position at my workplace and I just helped him to go through some of the questions that my side may potentially ask him. I also pointed out to certain information that he can check on the website about our work. I was very impressed that he indeed did his homework and read about the work we do. He was quite well prepared for someone who has no healthcare experience.

A decade ago, I wish I have someone to help him in between jobs. When I got back from the US with a Phd,I remember the difficulties of getting a job - the uneasiness, anxiety, uncertainty and despondency I felt for about 9 months and living off my savings. I do not think E is in the same position but I can empathize his position if he does feel the same way. I believe he is supporting his dad also which does not make it easy. My friend introduced me to E hoping to create some sparks between us but as cute as E is, I kept reminding myself that I am doing this to help him. His focus should be on getting some viable employment and to get back to work life.

One thing that I dislike most is waiting for a cab and then, someone thrusts his/her hand to flag down the cab in front of you. Every night when I leave for Holland V from my mom's place at Bukit Panjang, there is this married couple with a young child waiting for a cab. They wait at the same time and same place all the time. Probably do not move from their position partly because of the small child. So it was always easy to stick one's hand to flag a cab without giving them a "hew." .. But somehow,the sight of the father with the child, reminds me of the right thing to do .. when this situation presents itself, I would just walk across the road and hope that no one would flag a cab in front of them.

Someone told me that being able to help someone, preferably strangers, is probably the best reward in life.

Why I write ...

2010-02-06T00:27:00.009+08:00

It has been sometime since I have last written. Work has consumed my life. This week has been kind of overwhelming as my days were just jam packed with meetings after meetings. However, one stood out especially when I met Ian who represents a new foundation recently set up to help widows and orphans. They came to talk to us partly they want to understand the charity sector but also create targeted ways of giving monies to the right people.It was a nice way to end the week.

Many friends have asked me why I have decided to blog. This blog keeps records of myself, observations, actions and thoughts. A dissection of my the inner being, revealing unto others the intimacies not shared ordinarily. Beneath the veneer of my stoic, mad and confusing personality lies an equally insane inner world.

I guess I started writing when I felt the intense loneliness when I first started school in the US. Beginning afresh in an alien land with no friends or kin was very intimidating and scary, especially when you are still young. It was a year of interiority and searching. I wrote many letters about my life then, try to unravel within my family dynamics and relate to my friends back home,and in retrospect, from a very juvenile perspective. Naturally, ruffled many feathers and jolted the family, resulting in my dear old dad having to write letters to me. I have kept these letters in memory of him. In many ways, I do think a lot about my life, much unfinished business between us and the guilt of not being around at his funeral. This is for another blog.

I resumed writing when I started graduate school especially when my interests revolve around more anthropological and sociological methods of inquiry. To use participant observation, one does need to reflect on how the social impacts the individual and vice versa. It helped me to connect the dots of what is up there (abstract) to the daily routines of life. I must say I am not attempting to write anything remotely close to a memoir. I share Freud's hesitation about memoirs:

"A psychological complex and honest confession of life, on the other hand, would require so much indiscretion (on my part as well as on that of others)about family, friends, and enemies, most of them still alive, that it simply out of the question. What makes all autobiographies worthless, is after all their mendacity."

I am not sure if memoirs are all lies and vicious comments about people but memories do play trick on us and we have to be careful on what we pen in writing, reminding myself that what i write has moral and ethical consequences on others. Hence, while my blog seems to be about myself, i have deliberately strayed from writing about the people around me or whom i have met. The unpredictability of the text-reader relationship is present and there are many ways in which the reader construes writing despite a writer's kind intentions. I have also strayed from a narrative of tragedy and redemption - often found in memoirs of how the protangonist has suffered and endured his/her tribulations and now, have redeemed him/herself from the intricacies and complexities of the situation. I like to think and move forward, refusing to remain angry, bitter or dwell in happy thoughts, reflecting my own suspicious about emotions clouding reason.

I write to live and survive life. It helps me to reflect my own decisions - right or wrong ones - and more importantly, i write to be grateful and thankful for my present life, despite moments when I think it is not going that great. I also write with hubristic intentions that my old soul has something to share with my readers and friends. Useful? Shitty rantings of a mad man or thoughtful reflections? I am not sure .. i guess you have to tell me ...

Running ...

2010-01-31T21:12:00.004+08:00

On any typical Sunday, I usually start the day with some gardening and watering of the plants outside my flat. But since I had so much time yesterday, I did it on Saturday which freed my morning to do other things. So for the rest of the day, I decided not to follow my typical schedule and skip my swim and yoga. I reasoned since I swam 2 consecutive days, I should run though I could not remember when I ran outdoors last. It was literally months ago.

Stepped off my flat and was walking to the the road that will lead me to Botanical Gardens when I saw RC. He is considered an A lister with bod and a lot of dough. A lot of people do find him attractive but I think that is somewhat confounded with his nice bod. RC must be pass 50 and he looks very good for his age. But somehow this morning, he looked kind of tired as he was rummaging through magazines at Thambi. I avoided pleasantries and ran off.

The run was difficult not because of my lung function but my ankles and shins were in pain as I continue to jog to botanical gardens. I ran to tanglin mall and looped back home. I had to make stops to stretch the ankle and shin to give it some rest. I guess the pounding against the pavement will aggravate the pain.

Running used to be a passion of mine and just love the endorphins kicking in after the first 10 mins. I never liked running until after I lived in Manhattan. I would run to Central Park and do rounds the Park especially during Fall and Spring. Likewise, when I moved to Park Slope where my running circuit consisted of the lanes around Prospect Park. I guess during the period of time when I was running, doing marathons was never considered. Unlike now, where there are runs for 10k, half marathon, sundown run and full marathon. As much as I would like to do it, I think my ankles and shins are so fucked up that venturing for such runs will simply aggravate my condition. Having said that, I do miss the outdoor runs though and being on a treadmill does make this activity monotonous and boring especially when one is not going anywhere.

Anyway, I am glad that i made the run today and should think about running outside twice a month. Like swimming, this solitary activity allows me to think and meditate as I focus on my breath and pace. Synchronizing, movement in tandem and occasionally with jabs of pain radiating jolting me to stop and take a break .. I need to take care of my ankle and shins. If I get too carried away, I may not even be able to run again ....

Typical Weekend ....

2010-01-31T20:42:00.003+08:00

I was reminded that while we like to focus and remember the extraordinary and different in our lives, it is important to jot down the monotony and tedium of ordinary life. Journalists, social scientists and opinion makers including myself tend to want to remember the significant events and downplaying the ordinariness of life.

On Saturday (30 Jan 2010), was woken up by MoMo who was making his usual cries for food and attention. Of course, Muji also jumped onto bed to wake me up to feed them. When I gleaned at the clock, it was about 0645 hours. Rather late for a workday but very early for a weekend. On the previous day, I had a dastardly cold which kept me sneezing and making life completely miserable. I was supposed to go out with Jeremy but had to cancel. Fortunately, he could not make it at the last minute cos' of some redness to his face. Anyway, slumbered across the flat to the bathroom, took a leak, made coffee and went straight to get laundry done. Made my half boiled eggs while the clothes were spinning and also fed the cats at the same time.

I usually hit the gym on Saturdays. I know I should not since I was not tip top but I did anyway. Packed my bag and while waiting for laundry to be done, downed the eggs. Mucked around the flat ... laundry is done around 8, hung them out to dry and at about 0825 hours, left for the gym. Decided to take a cab since I wanted to avoid the 9ish crowd.

Gym is relatively quiet between 8 to 9. Chatted with the cute malay trainer about Alfred's wedding and quickly changed shoes to work on my shoulders and lats/back. I seem to lose a sense of time when I lift. It is one of the few things (besides reading) that I actually lose the sense of time. So worked on my shoulders, did my lats, and abs, sneaked in some bicep curls also. Gym completed in about an hour 15 mins. I tried to run but then realise the run and swim combo yesterday drained my stamina and decided to call it quits.

Left gym at 1000 and went straight to Muji to get some blankets for Philip. I realise that I do not have any blankets for him and fortunately, they were having 50% off. Bought 2 and 2 magazine holders, went straight to Kinokuniya to see if there are any new mags to pick up. At the same time, bought the books that Jason has recommended (and I do not have) for the team to read. Goodness, had a lot of stuff to carry ... bought an interesting book about using visuals to make a business case. Started reading it ..

Got home, unpacked and straight to the fruit store to buy my weekly staple of fruits, lunch and some snacks. I usually spend about $40 of fruits and slowly consumed them across the week. When I got home, chowed down lunch, while watching some downloaded shows - medium, glee and ugly betty. Fell asleep after lunch and woke up with the tv still running. This is usual and also reflected how tired i must have been ... Propped myself up and continued to watched Ugly Betty.

Surfed the net and chatted with some folks. I was kind of bored and lethargic. The body was a bit sluggish and so dragged myself to the pool. Fortunately, the pool was relatively less busy. The swim lanes were occupied though with this youngish guy who was doing beautiful laps back and forth. He was sandwiched between 2 ladies who were doing slow crawls. I decided to swim right in the middle of the pool next to this ang mo who was swimming exceedingly fast. When I dashed into the pool to do my laps, I realize that my body was indeed sluggish probably due to just sheer tiredness. Since I am already in the pool, I forced myself to complete 20 laps before jumping out and heading home. On my way back, bought burger patties to make dinner.

Got home, decide to do a number to myself while watching "interesting" downloads and felt so much better with the load off ... i literally spent the night just watching tv, reading and finally slept around 2300 hours.

Weddings

2010-01-28T20:39:00.001+08:00

Personally, I never understand the concept of weddings. I guess it can be considered as a signpost In a heterosexual's life and a rite of passage from being a "young" man to being an "adult"! Weddings can be highly extravagant events or a low key affair attended by few. Tonight, it is the former to celebrate Alfred and Charlyn.

Alfred helps me to elevate my fitness level, guides me and tests my limits of stamina, endurance and strength. I have known him for more than or rather know of him for more than 6 years. He has been with C for more than 3 years. Alfred has mixed sensibilities and a sensitve nature. He has a wonderful work ethic, responsible and will make a good husband and father.

The decision to have the wedding was made somewhat hastily after his grandfather died a couple of months ago. The family gave him a window period of about 100 days to get married. Some belief ...

It is 2030 hours and the wedding has not even started. Hunger pangs, exhaustion, weariness setting in ... It is regressing to just another wedding .. despite the pomp and beautiful props, somehow annoyance creeping upon me. I am kind of looking forward to the selection of fOOd .. I must be hungry ...

Weddings - while a celebration of new beginnings and should be rejoiced, somehow, as a spectator, I am now ambivalent and bordering on irritation.

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